well, um.lets see. My husband became first "mentally ill" and could no longer work at his VERY lucrative job, almost immediately after our first child turned 18 months and 2nd was born. SO I jumped in and with no special job skills and at minimum wage, I kept us afloat alone. AT that time, he did NOT learn how to change a diaper, give a bottle, wash a dish or run a load of laundry- "womens work" and "if I could learn to do those things, I would instead be back at work" and "I was advised by psychiatrist not to do anything stressful" OK, then he got physically ill, and there I was mowing lawn, takeing care of all the child stuff, house stuff, yardwork, car care, financials etc........while he did then continue to decline physically. DId extended family pitch in? Nope, but they piped up- "leave him" OK well, can me and kids look to any of you for any help- say occasional babysitting, a dollar or 2 here or here, maybe we can stay in your basement for a month or anything? nope. SO extended family did not step up to plate, either.
Fast forward, me, doing ALL the EVERYTHING< as if I was a single mom, PLUS taking physical care of husband.and WHAM! Lupus and Rheumatic illness hit hard and fast and lay me out cold.......NO use of hands, feet, arms, legs, and even affected my ability to swallow. Oldest child mostly psychotic, and living in her own world, middle child overwhelmed trying simply to survive, and youngest child really still far too little to be any kind of real help.
Did husband help? nope. He was still lost in catatonia much of the time, and had a hard enough time walking, etc, and just trying to breathe himself. Oldest difficult child? well, she did eventually stop running out of the hohouse some, and hung around more, but.....aside from maybe if I begged her to- she might bring me a glass of water once every 2-3 days...........she was not much help. easy child was not here to help- busy with school, volunteer activities, and her job.........
Extended family held fast to their opinion, "dump the husband" altho continued to refuse to commit to ANY help of ANY kind.......
Hmm..church family seemed to not understand my pleas for help- maybe becuz they simply could not accept I really was struck down....they could not believe.........The Veterans group I was part of, the same one that would go and help others, (I had been president of actually) also seemed to not "get it" and simply dropped out of sight, despite my begging for help------------
Um.the respite and homemakers the county sent, walked in, said well, there is a mother, a father, and 3 kids there, - they need to pitch in and figure it out.and they would not stay depsite DHS sending them.
I was totally incapacitated for nearly 2 years, and still heavily incapacitated for approx 2 more years..........and ...........ummmmmmmmm..most of the work simply stayed undone, -------and since I have been back on my feet? It has been a major, horrible, difficult struggle to unbury us from it all. It has been sad, depressing, disgusting to unbelieveable degree......a LOT of hard work..........a lot of ruined heirlooms.........several dumpsters, lots of not so nice language (out of MY mouth) mixed in with lots of tears............
I am still not caught up- I may never be caught up--------I probably won't ever be caught up.
BUT somewhere along the way I did somehow manage to get some message thru to my kids after all. No it is not a message about how to keep a home nice and clean........it is a far different kind of message. Eventually my kids did realize I could die, dad could die..........we were very close.......and I also learned something. Thru it all, I changed a LOT. Yes, I did once have a very immaculate, (actually to the point of sterile, and non cozy, really) home, BUT......boy did we hit the other extreme! UG! BUT...when all is said and done.......and after my sons eye injury and when I finally stopped being at deaths door etc.........and when I more fully began to understand the long term ramifications of severe serious mental illness? My kids learned that even more important than backed p laundry.more important than no dirty dishes--------is how we treat other people. More important is - can we sit and hold someones hand when they are in pain? Can we help them find comfort? Is anyone gonna die if the dishes are dirty?
I also learned something else. Nope, my husband truly really absolutely does not care, not in a mean or malicious way, but inside himself- he truly is not affected AT ALL if the house is clean or dirty, if the food is nice, fresh, homemade etc.......or if his clothes are clean or ironed. He literally truly simply does not care, not at all.
My kids do have more preferences for meals than my husband, but only marginally more. and it does not bother my kids for the floor to be dirty or most of their clothes to be dirty. It only ever bothered ME. and since it did not bother them... they had no ambition, no motivation to do anything at all about it. they simply did not care. Oh I tried, but when you are truly bedbound, completely unable to move, there is not a lot you can do to make anyone do anything, and after you HAVE been THAT helpless, when you DO regain abilities you often find yourself SO grateful to get abilities back, the mess simply loses it's importance.
Oh I do not mean it does not bother me, becuz it does, a lot...BUT while I was beginning to get up and walking etc again, I did finally really look at my husband and kids.and I found that while they might be slobs? they are very kind generous people anyway. Far more than I ever realized. My kids would do almost anything for anyone, they just seem to lose track of what hey are doing as far as cleaning up.
difficult child helps homeless persons, helps arange transporation for the needy.not thru any organization, but on her own. easy child is there in the organizations, volunteering for everything. My little guy, when you take him out of our house, he is the first to volunteer for anything, where ever he is, first to help make plans, first to arrange and set up, first to be The Volunteer or the one to go first and he is always the last to leave cuz he is right there cleaning up. Yeesh,. that boy, when we go out to eat, even, there he is trying to bus our table, lest he leave behind "a mess" they just do not see it at home.
And my goofy husband? well............he is useless, helpless and hopeless, BUT LOL.......in spite of that, LOL- he encourages me to follow MY dreams and sits with me over coffee for HOURS while I chatter on and on and on...........which may not sound like much, but hey, when I begin to chatter? I can go for HOURS upon HOURS.
My children just seem to not care so much for their OWN comfort at home, LOL.
If any of it WAS a priority for them? I KNOW they know HOW to do these things--------if they cared, they would do it.
SO- after being down flat on my back - for better part of almost 4 years total.........nope- they did not step up to the plate.........I guess they knew I would do it when I got to it, when I could?
Now yes, I suppose I could have demanded a divorce from husband and maybe even my kids...........but..........in spite of their slobbish ways........I love them. And I love their company. LOL. I guess I could not beat them...........so, in some ways I kind of joined them. And ironically now that I no longer upset myself trying to get them to do things- NOW they are starting to pitch in. Yeesh. LOL.
Hope you feel better soon, and hope you get things going the way you want them to be going. I gave up, decided thay all live here, it is not just "my" house, it is theirs, too, and we now have kind of met in the middle. sort of..................um.........kind of.