Does your kid have the ability to charm/snow people?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bean, Dec 26, 2009.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    In reading another thread, this got me thinking:

    One of the problems we've had in the past year is that every time my daughter would be in a situation of needing help, the majority of information would come from her.

    For example, she went to a state-funded, dual-diagnosis tx center for four months, but we were only scheduled to meet with staff once a month. The majority of her treatment came from what she herself reported.

    So I called. I called her social worker, I called and talked to the psychiatrist, I made sure that they also had information from us. Unfortunately, it was two days before she was scheduled to be released that she actually blew up while she was there. She managed nearly 4 months without blowing her stack the way she would routinely here at home. I was so badly hoping that her tantrum while she was in tx would buy her more time there -- course not, though -- she still got out on time.

    Worse yet was when she turned 18 and was in a group home. They didn't talk to us at ALL. So all the information they got was what she'd give. And she can tell some doosies. I'm sure she snowed them quite well. I tried to be in contact with them as well, but they said she was 18 and an "adult" so they really just treat her like that.

    But that's a whole 'nother rant. ;)

    Anyway, I was told to, and would highly advise others the same -- keep a journal, for those of you that have teenagers who are starting to rage or act out. Keep it simple, just enter things like:

    Date 1: Freak out - smashed fist through window
    Date 2: Ran away for a day
    Date 3: Skipped school
    Date 4: Came home high/drunk
    Date 5: Physically threatened sibling

    And just keep adding to it. And share it freely with staff that needs to work with your child. Video taping, or audio is a good idea, too. We've taped our daughter and re-played it to her, and she was quite embarrassed.

    Some people, bless their hearts, are completely receptive to a parent's input and want that additional information because it is beneficial to the tx they provide. And some don't care.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2009
  2. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    yep. My son can charm the pants of of everyone. He is a very social, very funny kid. People cannot imagine what goes on at home.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wiz was charming from pre-toddler years up to and including now (adulthood). Ironically NOW is when he is least likely to be believed because around here there is a bias against believing teen boys (about 17-19 yrs).

    So many things he did seemed so far out of character from the way he acted when he was in public that it was hard for others to believe us, and eventually it was hard for us to even confide in people. The strong belief in him that came from my parents and was often stronger than their belief in me made it much harder for US to tell people what he was doing. We finally just told everyone what was going on. Many still didn't believe us, but we did find a few who believed and backed us up.

    When Wiz spent 4 months in an in-patient hospital for children with psychiatric disorders we faced some pretty strong disbelief. He was "such a nice boy" that many staff wondered why we were abusing him by keeping him there!!! Thank heaven for the top nurse on his ward and our therapist. They saw through him even before we said anything. OF course our reg psychiatrist and our pediatrician knew what he was really like. Esp the pediatrician because she treated his siblings.

    I worked with the therapist and took one set of therapy sessions to trigger Wiz. I did everything I could think of to trigger his rage and physical abuse. They knew ahead. They were amazed that at almost 10 weeks he was still honeymooning. It was awful, but he finally burst through his walls and showed them what he showed us at home. I had to sit outside for the last 15+ minutes of it because I was starting to hyperventilate. He just kept trying to get too me through the door.

    No one doubted us after that. Not for a long time.

    You have my hugs through whatever comes.
  4. aninom

    aninom New Member

    I don't have much to add except been there done that. Still there, in fact. She is such a swell, funny, lively person outside of the home that were we to even BEGIN describing what goes on behind closed doors, we'd have a very tough time. I still remember a particularly bad episode - she'd exploded, gotten violent, reduced the whole family to tears, and in the middle of it her phone rings. "HEEEEEY sweetheart what's up? No, I'm not doing much... Oh kisses! Be there! Bye!" Literally in the middle of hurting you, she can collect herself enough to be this sweet 'ole thing.

    That janus face is almost worse than the bad "side" by itself, because it cuts you off so completely from confiding in anybody outside of the family. Especially since she's been spreading the idea for years about how she is the abused victim.

    Not to say she hasn't exploded a couple of times when out about town with one of us - it's usually the only way we can talk with her, meet with her at all, in public space - but never in front of anyone that knows her, never in front of medical professionals.

    I've thought about recording the episodes but I'm scared of the tantrum to follow if she found out I did, or if I used it to give perspective on her own behavior. What would I do with it?

    We believe you. I believe you. You are NOT going crazy, although it may feel like that sometimes. People that have never experienced a duplicity that extreme simply have a hard time imagining it possible, and therefore can't understand even if they want to. That sense of injustice, isolation, etc... I don't know how to deal with those feelings, myself, but know that you're not alone? I wish there was something better to say that would help.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sure a memo went out that said it was a prerequisite for being a difficult child........
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I keep a calendar in my binder and any day that something "remarkable" happens, I write a short note on the date in the calendar.

    I also copy and paste emails to my mom about wee's behavior or even some posts here (just my part and I always edit the names, etc, I don't leave "difficult child" in there) and keep it in another binder. If needed, I can reference an email on the calendar for more info.

    And you're right. Some care, and some couldn't.

    My DEX is a major difficult child. He is 6'1" and weighs in over 300 pounds now. And cak take a different girl home every saturday night.
  7. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thank you. Thanks for the responses.

    She's so good. So good that I do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Like maybe I'm exaggerating, or it's really no that bad, right?

    Worse now is that I'm starting to feel so isolated even from my parents, who she lives with. And her PO is so snowed (or a complete waste of tax money) that he doesn't drug test her at ALL and basically said, "Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours." I just get sick thinking about it sometimes.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    been there done that as well. After Miss KT lived with my mom for nearly 9 months, she finally started seeing what I was talking about. However, it's still because of something I'm doing. Or not doing. Or should be doing. Or not.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh wow. You are SO not crazy. Onyxx has managed to snow MY PARENTS into believing I - ME - THEIR KID - is the one with issues. And they KNOW, they do! Will be posting new thread shortly. But yeah, no one wants to help because it's a small issue, obviously a parenting problem...
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    YES!!! In answer to your question.

    My son can be quite the charmer.

    Fortunately, when he was in the psychiatric hospital, he didn't pull the wool over anyone's eyes. During one of our family mtngs, the soc wkr discussed whether our son was always insisting he was right, that he wanted to be in charge, that there were no problems, and that he didn't need lessons, therapy, school, etc. Of course, difficult child disagreed. The soc wkr said, "What is the thing that people most often say to you? IOW, what do they call you? Is there a nickname?"
    difficult child said, "Everyone tells me I'm going to be a lawyer when I grow up."
    "Point taken," the soc wkr said.
    Your daughter may be older than my son--not sure of the age here. That may make a diff.

    Soooooo sorry about the PO. That stinks.

  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Does my kid charm and/or snow people????

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    OMG YES!!!!! I've fired counselors before because they thought he was doing great since he was parroting what they wanted to hear in his appointments and then would do what HE wanted at home. The guy had no clue. Teachers, family, friends....all of them have been snowed at some point and some are, to a point, still snowed to this day.

    As for your situation, I would consider putting together a file (either hardcopy or on your computer) of an outline of your background with difficult child, diagnosis's, professionals seen, results, medications, etc. Nothing really in depth but enough that someone should get a good idea from reading it. Keep it as factual and objective as possible and keep it on hand. The next time difficult child is somewhere, you can offer it up. As a legal adult, they may not accept it but they may. If nothing else, it can show that believable or not, you do have a different version of the story.

    At the same time though, these people are right. She IS 18 and as such, a legal adult. They won't and can't talk to you without her permission. If she has people snowed and as a result, isn't getting the correct help she needs.....hard as it is to watch as a parent, that's HER problem and not yours. SHE is the one who will have to deal with the aftermath and/or consequences of not getting correct treatment. SHE is the one who will go without needed medications or take the wrong ones. SHE is the one who will have to deal with the legal fallout of her behaviors.

    You can love her and be there for her while still maintaining a distance. She's an adult now and needs to learn to act like one.