Doing what she wants at 14..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tryingtodiscipline, Jun 25, 2015.


How do I not call the cops when my daughter doesn't come home by a certain time?

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  1. Tryingtodiscipline

    Tryingtodiscipline New Member

    My daughter since I have been separated has a mood disorder for the last year. I got her blood tested and she is anemic and doesn't want to take iron pills..She has ranaway, smoked weed, other drugs (went to ER twice) and has very risky behavior at night. She has fist fighted me twice, is disrespectful and can also be an angel and the sweetest person. I am happy to get her into a summer program that will help with counseling every day, credit recovery since she cut out too much and tried to do online school but was lazy and defiant. I almost called the cops on her tonight and a few other times, but don't want her to go to mental home again (She called 911 on herself when she was caught stealing credit cards)because she was gone for 4nights and and missed school and now went out again even though I said not to(She went out by the bedroom window) She missed school for 4days and was sleeping at friends house who she never gives me the address or phone numbers.
    I am currently hacking her facebook and instagram as we speak because she blocked me again. She just got in trouble for stealing and will have a probation officer. Will they drug test her for stealing? She said she will never do drugs again and just likes to smoke once in a while to relieve anxiety. I told her we can work out more and swim more, which she still does..
    She is in love with this kid that is 16 and very bad - I was driving around his neighborhood for 2days and found his brother and told him to tell his brother that I will have her sent to a 30day shelter and she was home within an hour (yesterday) she is testing me again..father is more concerned with his girlfriend that is 30years younger than him and has 6mnth old baby..but he does see her on the weekends..I hope child services doesn't get involved because she usually listens and is respectful but the last year on and off have been rough. Today I found out that she is no longer a virgin and was in a vehicle that was stolen.
  2. Tryingtodiscipline

    Tryingtodiscipline New Member

    Also, she has witnessed a friend get shot while he was driving,,with 5 other kids in a car and it had to do with drugs...
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking that a psychiatric facilijty, perhaps a residential treatment center, may be what is BEST for her. Right now you can't control her, as none of us can control a headstrong teen bent of self-destruction. She would be safer where she were watched all the time and getting therapy rather then running the streets, taking who-knows-what drugs, hanging with dangerous people...and gangs? She saw somebody shot?

    While a child is using drugs, there is no way of knowing if she also has a co-morbid psychiatric disorder such as a mood disorder because drugs cause the same symptoms. And she seems to be heavily into drugs, and probably it's more than you know. It is for most of us. They don't exactly fess up to heavy drug use and dangerous drugs.

    If it were my kid, and she was that out of control at such a young age, I'd be looking for places to send her so that she had time to be away from her "friends," dope, and the other dangers of the street. As long as she is at home, she is not going to school, is getting into serious trouble and will eventually get arrested and put in juvie (which is not a good place except to learn from worst behaving kids), has an older boyfriend who sounds like bad news and could end up pregnant and could actually bring CPS on your doorstep for removal. If you have other kids, they need to be considered too. This is not a good example for them.

    There is nothing wrong with going to a psychiatric facility as long as you vet it and are satisfied that it is safe and helpful. There is a lot wrong with keeping her home, on the streets, and in danger. I know you mean to protect her. None of us like to make our children go somewhere else.But when they are that out of control, I personally feel that the best option is getting them the help, structure and boundaries they need that we don't have the staff and equipment to do.

    I wish you luck. You have your hands full and I'm sorry for your hurting heart.
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  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Welcome (((hugs)))

    My daughter was out of control at a young age, too. I thought she would grow out of it. Never happened. She moved on to crystal meth (introduced to her by a boyfriend) and her life spiraled out of control. Get her help now while you can. I agree that a facility would be best for her. YES - call the police when she is assaulting you! You are her mother - not her friend...
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I have the story straight, but this is what I'm hearing in your posts:
    - She's 14
    - She was basically a good kid, until the last year or so
    - In that year, her parents split up.
    - I'm not sure what your school system is like. Here, she'd be finishing grade 8, heading into high school next year. But some places have junior high for grades 7-9 and lots goes on there, too.
    - She's hit the roughest years of a girls life - the hormones are insane, to the point that some girls really are going insane.
    - Peer pressure is insane, because we've set up society to revolve around it.
    - There is nothing in your post to suggest mental illness, but if it runs in either side of the family, this is an age when things can start to show up.

    There's more reasons to be going out of control, than there are reasons not to. Her world has been shattered. She is in emotional pain. Lashing out is a reaction to that. Yes, it's ugly. Yes, she can be seriously hurt in the process - by people, by the drugs, by violence, by other things that come with this lifestyle.

    I'm assuming you work full time, and so cannot be with her 24/7? What was your bond like with her - close? or was she closer to her Dad? Does she have other close adult relationships (aunts, uncles, grandparents, older cousins)?
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter was a good kid too before drugs.

    in my opinion if drugs are involved, nothing will work until the bad behavior and intent to self-medicate for whatever her issues are gone. Then she can focus on other problems/traumas even. My daughter was sexually assaulted at age eight and told nobody until fourteen because she was ashamed. So sad. She would not even deal with that while using drugs. It made her feel good. She did not deal with anything or stay safe until she stopped the drugs.

    While an outside trauma can (or may not) cause drug abuse, the drug abuse always needs to be treated first in order to get to the real self and stop the mental running. I know w here you're coming from, IC :) On the other hand plenty of kids who had no trauma, such as my daughter did, do turn to drugs to be accepted by peers. Outsiders are the most accepting of all teenage peers so many kids who feel shy or lost join them just for acceptance. Either way, the drug use has to stop first and running around the streets at nigiht, as my daughter also did (she even climbed out of her window!) and going out with bad boys has to stop before she gets hurt again. Once a victim, you are always more prone to being a victim again. It's like predators have a radar for you. I have a feeling you know all this, IC, although I have no idea why. But finding out why she is acting out is, in my opinion, the thing you do AFTER you stop the dangerous behavior. God knows, I wish I had known what my daughter was doing to cope. I didn't. I was such a goody two shoes as a teen that I didn't think like her. She would have been looking at residential otherwise. As it turned out, although she was never sexually assaulted again, she WAS a victim of several of her "friends"" (cough) forcefully bringing her to a dark park and holding her down and threatening her in a mean way w hile they were higih. They let her go, laughing, but...she has to get off the street for her safety and away from those lovely "friends" first. Of course, this is just my opinion.

    I also want to put in my .02, which is probably worth all two pennies, but it WAS my experience. That counts too, right? Yes, for two cents ;) My two girls were not any more difficult than my boys as a teen and out of four kids, two were difficult teens (one girl and one boy) and two were easy peasy. Sonic and Jumper had absolutely no hormonal changes in personality and both were very stable, caring, law abiding teens. Neither argued much. Jumper was a door slammer, but got over things fast. Sonic would get angry fast then apologize profusely (almost too much). I don't know how Princess would have been had she not been assaulted, but she was more emotional, even as a little girl, although she was a very good girl...she was sensitive. Bart was a difficult child all the way around. The teen years just made him feel more powerful. Thankfully he is well beyond those years. I don't think all or even most teens get horrible attitudes as teens, boy or girl. I think our kids were the exception, although not the RARE exception. I heard on NPR by some scientist or expert that 20% of all teens cause problems. That's a lot lower than one would think. I believe it too. Maybe I'm too naive and trusting.

    Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it?
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2015
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Belle was a lovely, loving girl... Some defiance, but mostly a good kid and then... Yeah. Self medicating away the pain with drugs and alcohol changes the game completely. She really needs treatment, hon.

    The thing is, depression, anxiety, all the mental health issues that exist, cannot successfully be treated while under the influence... And even if they are treated, the person has to want to help themselves.

    it's so easy to do the wrong thing, and hard to do the right thing. Please, for your own safety, don't allow this to happen to you anymore. If she gets violent, call the police. It could be the first step to the help she needs.