Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Well I am officially done with all the craziness. husband, me and our case manager went to court yesterday for difficult child's truancy for cutting 2 classes. husband spoke to the Judge for about 45 minutes and told him everything. The Judge found difficult child guilty and was referring this case to superior court and will speak to that Judge personally. difficult child also has to appear in front of the Judge from yesterday on May 18 and have better improved his grades and we the parents will have to let the judge know if we think he is just doing the work to shut the judge up and he will sentence him to juvie if he does not improve.

    Now this morning we had our CFT (child and family team meeting). This meeting was to determine difficult child's discharge. This was such a joke and waste of time. I wound up getting slammed by the group home manager who told me that I am just so negative towards difficult child. After hearing and feeling like a punching bag, I could feel the tears coming so I excused myself from the meeting and went outside. After composing myself I went back inside and stated that I am now DONE!!!! You all sit hear in judgement of us but ignore the diagnosis the doctor gave him. Your all seeing the fustration and anger that difficult child has caused, and your all forgetting the extensive record that difficult child has of hurting animals, fire starting, running away, prostitution physcial abuse towards his mother father and brother. Your all forgetting that he came to us with school records of threats of killing other children. So when he is released if something happens to someone or someones child I will hold as many interviews saying all your names and say that you all felt that it was normal childhood behavior. I pray you can live with yourselves with your decisions.

    By the time I got to my car I was so hysterical that I had to pull out of the group home to the side of the road and just sob for almost 1 hour. How can this happen I just don't understand. How can a child manipulate all these so called professionals. The DR was on the phone and stated that I am right to feel this way, as he too feels that difficult child is a threat to all of us and society.

    I spoke to husband and told him that he is going to be discharged from the group home and have no choice but to allow him to come home or not pick him up and allow cps to take him, so we could face charges of abandoment and neglect. So I told husband that I will be moving out, and I have caved tooooooooo many times and that enough is enough. His own mother dosent want him why do I have to go through this pain and suffering. I just feel that its always us who are being judged and never difficult child. So husband understands that Im leaving so I now have about 20 days to find a place to live and come up with rent and deposit.

    I don't know where everyone finds the courage to go on because I feel so empty now. I don't have any desire to do anything for husband or difficult child. My son has suffered long enough. We have done everything possible to get help to no avail.

    Thank you for listening to me rant. I truly admire you warrior moms for doing what you do and feel you are truly special for being able to push through everyday good or bad. I myself don't have that kind of stamina anymore. I am just beaten to the ground and don't want to get up anymore.

    Thank you all again..
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    We've all been there. Some of us have actually had to go through with what you are threatening. I, personally, have not, but my day may yet come.

    It can't be easy to do, but I do know that you have to take care of you, too. Think it thru and then do what you have to do. Just don't bluff, or they'll walk all over you.

    Sometimes, situations aren't fixable. At least not by us. Sometimes, all you can do is pray and walk away.

    I'm praying for you, whatever decision you must make.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Praying for you as well. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Many, many gentle hugs.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I completely understand your decision. This kid has put you all through so much. Let husband handle things on his own for awhile. This is his son.. he ought to be the one on the forefront of ALL of it, at any rate. He should be attending all those meetings. It's just not fair to you.

    Hugs, and more hugs.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Donna, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I understand very well what you are saying. My son is my bio-son and I feel put in a similar situation, even though I do want him to come home ultimately. Personally, I believe it is the way our system is set up to run these days. When a kid needs help and a family needs backing up, all the legal people and so-called therapists affiliated with them (and funded and trained by them so in reality, just other legal people) want to do is blame. They blame the parents to keep from having to lock the kid up longer. They apparently see no other option than to blame either the parents or thhe kid, which turns them against each other and causes more conflict at home. It is beyond me that they don't see that or that they can't get a clue given how this is obviously not improving the numbers of kids ending up right back in incarceration.

    If you feel the need to move out a while, I don't blame you. I would urge you to take things slow though and still try to have a good relationship with your husband- he's in a bad situation too. Also, try hard to not put all the fault for an inadequate system of support on difficult child. I'm sure he is guilty of a lot, but when people in the system spend their time and energy blaming the parents, that is their fault, not the difficult child's.

    My son is incarcerated now. I am going to try to get a transitional period lined up where some things can be worked out before difficult child comes home. I don't know if it's possible or not, but I am tired of being blamed when difficult child messes up, too, and when the kid knows this is what happens, it just makes it too easy for them to not take advantage of it when they are living at home. Maybe you could discuss a transitional period with husband and he can discuss it with the authorites.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Donna, sending HUGS. Many many HUGS.
    I think you're making the right decision. You've done absolutely everything you can, and you're right to remove yourself and your son from a situation in which you aren't safe.

    I'm so very sorry that it's come to this, and saying prayers for you.
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I back you 100%! You have absolutely got to protect yourself and your son from this difficult child and I have been very concerned about your son's emotional and physical well-being. I can't imagine any of us thinking your son should be exposed to this child anymore. I am sorry this has happened and that you will have to move out but what choice do you have? I'm glad you told those people your thoughts--I am sure I would have done the same.

    Many hugs to you and do not berate yourself!

  8. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    When all is said and done, your primary obligation is to your son.

  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Gwenny, I think that at this point, self-preservation and protecting your son is first and foremost. No relationship is worth dying for. You and your son can make a life separate from husband and his son. He is the father. He has to "take care" of his child. You have the option of leaving. Don't let his son know where you are living. He obviously has issues with you and will blame you if you leave.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gentlest of hugs being sent to you. I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much and completely understand your decision.
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Please forgive me as I haven't read all the responses.

    Twice I have been known to "blow off" CPS's threats of charges & leave my tweedle dee or dum right where they were at until issues could be ironed out.

    May not work for you; here it got some pretty high "parties in the know" off their collectives butts & actually put together a safe plan for the tweedles. Many times (I heard so many times when I would fight for longer hospitalizations or further treatment) that threat I began to believe it was carp. Turns out (for me) it was.

    I was willing to face charges rather than have a untreated & "dangerous" kid in my home. I'd rather face charges than live in constant fear. That's just who I am ~ I will not be pushed back into a corner.

    Just something to consider.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    As difficult as it was for you to get to this decision, and as much as others may not understand (meaning those who don't have experience with difficult child drama), you are doing the right thing.

    You have an obligation to protect your son and you don't have an obligation to be abused yourself.

    I'm sorry that it has to be this way for you though. It must be difficult.

    We are here to listen and support and we are open 24 hours.

  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I am sending you lots of hugs and you have my full support on this. No one should have to live with being abused, and that is exactly what you are dealing with.

    difficult child is tearing apart your marriage AND your life. I was very close to this point when the dam broke and we found out why difficult child 1 was acting this way. But your situation is different in that respect.

    If you love husband, tell him so. But in that, make sure that he knows that you can't - and WON'T - be abused.

    More hugs. You're gonna be OK. It just takes time.
  14. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Well husband and I had a very long conversation with no yelling just a calm talk. I made him hear how afraid I am of difficult child. I told him that there was nothing I wouldnt have done for him 6 months ago, but I have had enough. I don't think it's fair that difficult child is able to to do this to us. I told him after he had a conversation with his ex-wife that I feel even more so convinced that if she would rather see him in juvie than him coming home. The ex stated that she cannot have difficult child come home and destroy her life or the other childs life.

    So that being said I told my husband that it is not fair to ask me to put my easy child, or myself in the line of fire for difficult child. husband works long hours and I cannot endure anymore of this. I said I feel and the doctor feels that he is capable of commiiting murder or worse and that's not a chance I'm willing to take. I said to husband I love you with all my heart and would still help him to do research on this but I will be having to find a place to live.

    This is really breaking my heart because husband is in such turmoil with what to do and only he can decide. He does feel that difficult child wouldnt last 1 day in the home as we have seen the behaviors escalate. I worry for husband as well but he can physcially handle himself. This is something that I wouldnt wish on anyone. I also explained that I understand that there is no choice to be made and he has to do what he can to try for his son, but he feels that difficult child is gone and that there is no reaching him.

    It's just so sad to have found the one man I have truly loved and it has to come to this because there are no facilities to help the sick. I am just so discouraged and heartbroken. Tears have been flowing for I feel I have started mourning the end of a happy marrriage prior to difficult child.

    Thank you all for your support, and hope one day there is help for all of us.:faint:
  15. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    I so know at least partially what you are going through. I had to leave with my easy child and stayed away for 9 months. Things are better, but not great. We have a behaviorist coming out next month to help us learn to cope better. My difficult child isn't as severe as yours, but there is still constant tension and fear. It is miserable to live life like this. I am so heartbroken when my 5 yo easy child comes crying to me saying she is scared of her big sis.

    I am so sorry it has come to this with your family, there is no easy solution. I will say a prayer that there is some way to ease all of your pain.

    Hugs, Vickie
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Donna, I feel for you.
    I haven't been on the boards as much lately, but I was certain that you had already moved out. So this is no surprise to me. I'd do it sooner rather than later. But don't let your time constraint prevent you from getting a nice place that is affordable. You don't want to put up with-an apt with-paper-thin walls and have to listen to other people fighting--just what you want to get away from!
    Take your son and stay with-a friend if you have to, while you look around.
    It must be heartbreaking to have to leave your husband like that.
    I would make definite dates with-him during the wk so you can see one another. Make a biz date during the day, a dinner date during the wk, and a threesome date for fun time with-your son. Oh, and a therapy date, too. ;)

    Boy, you really gave it to that group! Their ears were ringing when you left. But it sounds like they deserved it. I get so aggravated when do-gooders have their heads in the sand, and think that they can make everything all right just by saying so.
    (Who was it on this board whose therapist asked the child, "Will you promise to be nice from now on?" and of course the kid said yes, and the therapist turned to the mom and said, "See, how easy that was?")