Don't dial pain or head in the sand?

[Kathy813]

When I took difficult child to the grocery store today, she left her purse laying on the floorboard of the passenger side. It occured to me to look in her purse and see if she had the xanax prescription refilled. If anyone is wondering why an addict would have a xanax prescription, you can ask her idiot psychiatrist that question. I asked difficult child why he would give an addict straight out of rehab and living in a halfway house a prescription for xanax, her reply was that he said "sometimes the risk is worth the gain."

Anyway, I didn't look. I didn't want to know. Was that the ultimate in detachment or simply trying to bury my head in the sand?

Honestly, I am at the point where I want her to get a job and be able to support herself without our involvement in her life at all. If she chooses to use xanax, I don't want to know because it just causes me pain.

I really like the saying "don't dial pain." Did that apply here or did I just wimp out?

~Kathy

 

[DaisyFace]

Kathy--

I think you did the right thing...

It's not your business, knowing would only cause you pain - so best not to snoop!

 

[shellyd67]

I agree with DF.

It is best sometimes not to know ...

 

[Nancy]

I agree, why put yourself in more pain. I wish easy child had not looked at difficult child' phone a few weeks ago to see the texts about drinking. difficult child left her purse out the other day when she was here and I thought about looking in it but honestly I didn't want to see. I also have specifically not looked at her cellphone calls until last night because I didn't want to know.

I am at the same place you are now. She moving into an apartment in a very bad place of town and she's got a pit bull and her cat and husband tried to point out to her she has to pay utilities and cable/internet and food. The rent is $500 and that is just a little under what she brings home every two weeks. He told her to get auto insurance quptes because we are taking her off the insurance. I need to close my eyes and walk away, very far away. She is signing a lease and I just can't worry about it anymore.

I got no sleep last nigth and my head is killing me.

We both have to remember not to dial pain.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Kathy, what could you do if you found it? Would knowing help?

If your hands are tied, or they should be, I'd not look.

You deserve peace too. Hugs...

 

[Kathy813]

I am feeling very conflicted right now. The only reason I would even have thought on checking on whether she is using xanax again is that we are only supporting her right now because she is in recovery. If she is using, we would stop. However, at this point, without a job, she would be on the street and I guess I am not ready for that. So, I choose not to look.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Kathy, I totally understand. I read something that helps when I do find out something bad...that I will never know how many times he resisted before he gave in.

 

[toughlovin]

Kathy,

I think you are showing healthy detachement... you are healthier this way than I am I think. It is crazy for a psychiatrist to prescribe xanax to an addict. You have to really wonder about that!!! But it is her problem and not yours. So I thinking knowing you don't want to know is healthy.... I can become obsessed with wanting to know and it never helps me.... getting to the point where I am ok with not knowing is a positive step for me.

As to supporting her.... I really think we cannot police our addicts and be in the position of having to be detectives to see if they are using or not. It is not a healthy role for us and doesn't help our relationship with them at all. I think the key is to look at their behavior... if their behavior is off then they are probably using again or at least that is a reasonable assumption and we can hope they are just being their difficult child selves.

And ultimately then we all have to set boundaries around financial support and anything else and base our boundaries on their behavior rather than if they are using or not using... because we can never be sure they are not using... we all know our addicts will lie through their teeth about their substance use.

After this last round with our difficult child I have decided that I will not give him any access to money at all... no gift cards etc. The only thing we will do is pay a place directly for rent and if he needs money for food it has to be via someone else who hopefully is trustworthy. I really feel we got conned a lot big time even with the grocery card... and the need for products for hygiene so he could get a job interview. I no longer believe he was even going for an interview.. I now think it was all a con to get money that he must have spent on booze since he needed alcohol detox.

And I totally understand not being ready to have her on the street... that had to be the hardest thing i have ever done... letting my son live on the street out of state with nothing. It took me a while to get to the point where I was willing to do that. And your daughter has been doing well lately so I can understand not being ready to do that and not being ready to know for sure she is using again.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

I would not have looked either. I feel like if they are out of my house what they do is not my business unless they ask for my assistance. Then I need facts on which to base my decidions as to what I am willing to do for them.

 

[Signorina]

I obsess with wanting to know too. I check his cell usage 3 times a day sometimes. And I've checked his email and then I really regret what I find out. He has an old aol account from when he was 10 which is still a sub account of mine on which he has never changed the password. I don't think he uses it much - but the "notes" must sync to his iTouch. I found his shopping list in his notes. Wasn't exactly apples, oranges, eggs and butter - Know what I mean?? It was like a kick in the stomach and I saved it to my computer and re read it at times. Not to stoke the pain - but to remind myself that this kid is really and truly up to no good. That sounds counterproductive, but sometimes my mind thinks we over-reacted. Distance is a funny thing.


Don't dial pain.

Gotcha