Don't feel as alone.

[So Tired]

I have only recently found this site -- feel like there is finally someone who understands! I am new to posting so please excuse if I'm messin up some.

My difficult child was always "strong willed" but major problems didn't start to senior year. Suddenly 3.4 GPA dropped to failing all but classes needed to graduate. He changed friends, hairstyle, clothing, got many horrible piercings - nose, lips, ears. He became defiant. Would not obey curfew, skipped school, became verbally and physically abusive.

Well, we got him through high school and he graduated. A major accomplishment! When he starting refusing to go to his part-time job, we told him he needed to be either in college or working to keep living here, and needed to go to counseling.

I didn't want to see the signs of drug and alcohol problems-- thought he was "just" a defiant teen, till we woke up one morning to find him two of his friends passed out in the basement. They had been drinking there all night while we were asleep upstairs! Someone had thrown up in the laundry tub, and, o yeah, did I mention the girl was topless? Nice.

I am so sick and tired of all his lies. Sick of his drama affecting all of us at home. Sick of his blaming all his problems on everyone else. I want to give him a move out date, but my husband has not gotten to his breaking point yet so we keep having pointless "talks" in which difficult child promises to "do better" I am just trying to hold it together till my husband reaches the same realization that difficult child's promises are all empty.

My heart breaks everyday for the boy that I've lost. This new one is like a stranger.

Reading your posts has helped me to feel not so alone.

Thank you all for your sharing.

 

[standswithcourage]

We have all been through what is sounds like you are going through now. I dont know when it gets better. My difficult child is in jail now and I have peace in my house but I do miss the child we raised and wonder where he went. He left when he started using drugs. He is 24 and I am thankful he is still alive. With life there is always hope. Hang in there. come back here often.

 

[ODAT]

Welcome! I just "came out" here myself, this is a great place to get support.

Alanon and Naranon meetings can be helpful, have you been yet?

 

[Ephchap]

Hi, So Tired and welcome fellow Michigander !

Glad you found us, but sorry you had to, as that means things aren't going well at home. Yes, I do understand when you say you no longer feel alone. Most of us stumbled onto this site when things weren't going well and were searching for answers, and it's such a relief to find people who do truly understand, and who have or are currently going through what you are.

You'll find the entire cd.com site a truly remarkable place - full of so much support , both informational and emotional.

Most of us here on the Teens and SA Forum have dealt with or are dealing with substance abuse. Each of us has handled things differently, but we have all done what we felt had to be done for us and for our child.

There is no one clear cut answer, unfortunately, but I'm sure you know that.

Browse through the older posts, including the archives of the Teens Forum and you'll find many varied stories.

Again, welcome and I look forward to seeing you around and hearing more of your story. We're here to lean on and will share any information we can.

Deb

 

[gottaloveem]

Hi so tired. I also am from Michigan. Sorry that things at home aren't good. Hopefully your husband will get sick of the way things are going so he can get tough. Yep, the "talks" you mentioned are pointless. Now is the time to take action. You can start with if he has a car take it away, don't give him money, don't give him rides, don't do his laundry. Just provide him with a roof over his head and food, and let him figure out the rest. Being 18 tough love is about the only thing you can do for him until he decides he wants to change. Is he currently working? If not, how is he getting money?

And yes you are right, we do lose our kids(maybe just temporarily) when they start abusing drugs. I don't know if you read my signature, but we lost our oldest son to a heroin overdose almost two years ago. We had no idea he had turned to "hard drugs". But I do feel that I lost my son to drugs before we lost him forever. Do you know what kind of drugs he is on? If you are in the Detroit Metropolitan area, you should know that heroin is around, especially in Wayne county, Livonia had between 20-30 deaths due to heroin in 2006. I don't want to scare you, but you should know, I had no idea kids were using heroin. I wish I knew. Not sure if it would've changed things though.

Just remember your easy child in all of this she really needs you. I belong to a support group for parents who have lost a child to substance abuse. We all agree that during the bad years, we practically ignored our other children while the one using (and not wanting our attention) got all of it. You say she is the light of your life, smother her in love and attention and enjoy her,then you can still enjoy being a parent, it's hard to enjoy your son right now.

Welcome to CD.com. I hope you can find the support and advice you need and are looking for.

Lia

 

[So Tired]

Thank you all for your warm welcome and kind words. To address a few of the questions:

gottalovem - He is working part-time at Meijer's. He bought his own car (a real clunker) with his graduation money, although we are still paying for his insurance (I know, I know -- I'm trying to quit the enabling tasks)
I don't know about the hard drugs. He is using pot and alcohol for sure. I have never had him tested. I don't really have a good knowledge of the whole drug culture, but am picking up info from everyone's posts.

ODAT: I have not been to any alanon or naranon meetings yet. Just now starting to get my head out of the sand on this issue.

I am trying very hard to be strong, which is making him furious at me. Complains to husband that I won't "work" with him. Translation: I won't be manipulated my him anymore. husband will still try to talk and reason with him. It is hard to be "the enemy" . I can't keep him from his path of selff-destruction, but I won't let him take the rest of the family down with him.

gottaloveem: You are so right about my easy child. She is so sweet and well adjusted -- I don't want her needs to be pushed aside. Luckily, I am a stay at home mom, so we have alot of time for fun activities when we are home alone together, although difficult child's dramas do have a tendancy to drain the positive energy right out of me!

 

[susiestar]

Welcome. I hope things get better, or at least that your husband gets onto the same page with you.

Do you have good strong locks on your bedroom door and any offices, other family member's rooms?

If your difficult child is abusing, he will start selling your possessions to pay for his drug of choice.

I strongly recommend the locks, and be sure that there are NO extra keys around, and that your purse and any credit card/bank STATEMENTS are also locked up.

PLEASE be sure he is not left alone with your daughter. She should have a lock on her door to protect her things and herself.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[So Tired]

Susiestar --

Yes, thanks. After the last episode when I woke up to find drunken kids in my basement that he brought in during the night, we had deadbolts put on front doors that he does not have the key to. It has made me feel sooo much safer. I also think it sent a message to him about how serious we were. Also, when we were recently out of town for a weekend we insisted that he find somewhere else to stay as he would not be able to stay at home unsupervised. (He has been know to let his idot friends stay here while he is at work, use our computer, drink, etc., and has even made them copies of our house key, we discovered!)

Previously, when problems were really intense, with physical altercations, I hid all the knives in the house, all the banking info, and the keys to all the cars and realitive's homes. I have also taken to putting my purse next to me in my room when I go to bed.

I have not addressed the issue of the locks on the bedroom doors. I should definately do someting about that.

It is sad to have to feel like you are defending your home against a terrorist invasion, but you just never know what they might do. All trust is broken.