Don't know if difficult child will have a birthday dinner

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Dec 9, 2009.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child has been breaking into my office for wks now, and finally, the faceplate fell off, along with-the screws.
    In addition, hormones have hit and his Adderall has been wearing off by about 3 p.m., and he is a monster every day when I pick him up from school. Today he was particularly obnoxious and I had to pull over twice.

    It was my date night with-husband, and I told difficult child I was leaving. In fact, I had unplugged my keyboard and taken my mouse and put it in the trunk of my car so he couldn't use my computer. husband pulled up and asked if I had brought a coupon.
    Long story short, he went back in the house and heard running feet upstairs, found difficult child in the bathroom next to my office, saw my ofc door open and a game on my computer screen, and a screwdriver on the seat of my chair.
    Perry Mason, move over!

    We drove away, and husband called difficult child from the car speaker phone, another stroke of brilliance (no confrontation). husband told him what he'd seen, and said, "Don't go back in there. We'll have a talk when I get home."
    difficult child said, "Okay."

    They talked. difficult child told husband he couldn't control himself. husband said it was planned and deliberate and had been done too many times, in addition to which, he had threatened me in the car. (He refused to give me back my new cell phone, which he had in his pocket all day yesterday at school while I was looking all over for it), and I grabbed it out of his hand. He threatened me with-his fist, then went on a tirade about how you shouldn't yank things away or push people because you might get your nose broken. Then he went off on a tangent about what might happen if I did the same thing to a person on the street. How would they react?

    husband asked difficult child to come up with-a punishment. Of course, he couldn't, so husband said, "No sushi dinner tomorrow night." (Just the 3 of us, with-gifts.)

    I bet difficult child thinks it's an idle threat. Even if we don't go, he still gets lunch with-6 friends at Texas Steakhouse and Saloon Sat., and football back at the house.

    Meanwhile, every time I type, my screen goes buggy ... I don't think I plugged in everything correctly.
    I hate living in my own house when it's not my own house!
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Terry, he is at an age where the dynamics with him change- aspie or not; difficult child or not. You two are in a battle of wills and being determined to win it is not necessarily going to get you the end result that you want, in my humble opinion. It appears to me that it might be more effective to try a different approach and try to diffuse the battle of wills- that doesn't mean he wins or that you are less of a parent.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Terry, I think it's very worrying that your difficult child is threatening you with violence, even idly, when he doesn't get his way or when he gets caught doing something he's not supposed to do. The older, bigger and physically stronger he gets, the more this represents a danger for you.

    I agree with Klmno that you need to change the dynamic between you and your difficult child soon, before you get hurt. Your safety is a priority.

    I've always noticed strong parallels between your difficult child and mine, with mine a few years further down the path. A few years ago, my difficult child got into a habit of getting physical with me when he didn't get his way. Please note that I am emphatically NOT recommending the course of action I took, just letting you know how things unfolded. This could have gone wrong in so many ways...

    At the time, although difficult child was much taller than me he was very underweight and was about the same weight as I am. If I was disciplining him or telling something he didn't want to hear, he'd get physical, for example:
    - stepping into my personal space and backing me into a corner
    - hitting the wall near my head
    - trying to grab my arms or hands to prevent me from moving
    - sticking his foot in the door to prevent me from shutting it on him, etc.

    One day when he was thumping the wall next to my head and in danger of planting a fist in my face, I just hoisted him off his feet, carried him to his room and dropped him on his bed. (I worked as a house painter when I was in university, and used the same technique I used to use when moving extension ladders to lift difficult child). He was shocked. Another time, after he hit me and tried to do a runner when we were out, I hooked the backs of his knees with my leg to floor him, and then dragged him across the floor by the back of his coat. Not proud of either action, but difficult child never got physical with me again. To this day, even though he now outweighs me by 70 or 80 lbs, he perceives me as stronger than he is. If I hadn't bested him, he would have escalated the physical confrontation and one or both of us would have gotten seriously hurt.

    Your difficult child has already caused you a wrist injury. I get the feeling that he's already too big and strong to be reined in by a display of might. You need to find a way to protect yourself...


  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    This is getting scary. He has already hurt you. He is threatening you with violence for not letting him do/have whatever he wants. If you and husband don't find a way to stop this he is going to really hurt you. Not just physically. I am BEGGING you to go to a DV center and ask them to help you find ways to handle this.

    NOT for you to move out, or kick him out, or press charges. For IDEAS and HELP. Another set of resources is what I have in mind.

    You also need to seek help for PTSD. As he has already hurt you, his mother, you are on the road to major PTSD. It is not normal for a child to hurt a parent. In our brains this sets up serious stress, even if it never happens or is threatened again. You are smart enough to know he is going to hurt you again if you cannot change SOMETHING>

    Aspie is NO excuse or reason for this. It is all about power and control. In a past post I mentioned hiring a male to be at the house when husband is not there and difficult child is. An aide, if you will. Someone big enough and impressive enough to keep difficult child from hurting you.

    The next time he threatens you it is time to call the police. Have them give him a talk about how awful it is, what can happen to him if he tries it again, or if he actually hurts you. If he hurts you or tries to (hitting the wall by your head counts, by the way) then you need to press charges.

    The only way to handle this is with natural consequences. Either a big guy to physically keep him in line, or the police to give legal consequences. There MUST be a way to stop this. I couldn't find one that worked for Wiz, but these are what needs to happen if physical violence is part of the picture.

    If you don't get the police involved when he hurts you physically you are setting him for a major fall as an adult. If you allow him to hurt you once, he will keep doing it. You didn't call the police teh first time, so there probably will be another time. NOT a "blame" or a "fault", just natural consequences.

    If he continues to not have legal problems from this, when his just a couple of years older he may hurt someone else and then he could be charged as an adult. MANY states will charge a teen as an adult if they are violent. This is why you have to start NOW to stop the violence.

    Whatever you do, know that I hope that this can be figured out and handled without more trauma to you and the family.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Everyone has already given you great advice, Terry. I'm so sorry he is intimidating you and becoming abusive. He does not respect boundaries. Period. Birthday or not, you still have control over his situation. You do have the power to pull the plug on his plans for the day. You may not like it, but maybe that's the message he will listen to. You could always reschedule it for another date. If he's not already in therapy to deal with these issues, I really feel this needs to happen with a high level of intensity and frequency NOW.

    Be safe! (((Hugs)))
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    May I ask why his dad isnt stopping him in his tracks when he threatens you? Im assuming husband is bigger than him. Tony would have half killed any of the boys had they even dared lay a hand on me in anger. Or him.

    Tony outweighed his own father as a teen by a good 60 or 70 pounds but he would have never dared to even back talk the man because his father would have beat him with a two by four. Or shot him if that didnt work. He had no doubt that he could get away with physical violence to his parents. It just wasnt done and his kids werent going to do it.

    You shouldnt have to live with it. Someone here...maybe it was Tiredmommy's husband...told their child that HE were not going to have their child treat HIS WIFE in that manner. Made an impression.

    On the computer front. I saw a thing on tv...on Price is Right the other day, that locked the computer from use. It was a small box that had a keypad on it. I have no idea what it was called but maybe you could google around or even email the price is right. Also...maybe it is time to just upgrade to Windows would solve this. You can set time limits and shut certain accounts out all together.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow, terry, he just doesn't quit, does he? You must be exhausted.

    I agree with the others, you need a plan for your own safety. No additional advice other than consider becoming Amish...but sending hugs.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Klmno, you mean the cell phone incidient, in reg to a battle of wills?
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Trinity, those are EXACTLY the things my difficult child does.
    Oh, how I would love to hoist him into the air and throw him on his bed!!!
    Only in my dreams ...
    Yes, he is physically strong and mostly physically adept (thank doG he hated karate and dropped out) and I have to figure out something.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Susiestar and GCV mom, difficult child has been in counseling since he was about 4. We're still going.
    husband and I are mtng with-his therapist Tue -- alone -- to discuss a new course of action. He talks the talk in the ofc, but once he's out of there, he's back to his old tricks. The therapist needs to know that and we need a new plan.

    I am in therapy, too, to help with-this stress, as well as being a long-distance caregiver for my crazy cousin in NY. She was an actress and is still a drama-holic and even though I have hired people for her around the clock, she still calls me for every bowel movement, every check (she's not supposed to be writing them), every thought, you name it. She's 81 and bedridden so I know this won't go on forever.
    In regard to difficult child ... I am hoping long-term to have him go to a spec. needs boarding school. I just have to figure out how to come up with-the $. Selling the house would be a start.

    Anyway, GCV mom, he absolutely does not respect boundaries.
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Have you considered taking a self defense class? Even though you should not have to deal with this I think your difficult child should not feel like he could over take you as well.
    K knows she can not over take me, even though she only weighs 70 pounds. She was 75 pounds.
    When she is manic she is very strong, but I can take her knees out and wrestle her down.
    I don't like it but I can at least get her out of the way and not get hurt. I have learned how to be very intimidating and not show fear.
    I have seen our Principal take a very strong child and get him up off of the ground and get him across a field into a car and home...
    All with a nice little Police technique of both arms behind the back. When taught properly we can protect ourselves.

    I am sorry you should not have to live in fear.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Janet, difficult child is always alone with-me when he does the physical stuff.
    He will argue with-me when husband is present, but he never threatens me physically.

    husband is not the confrontational/physical type anyway, and one of the things we went to counseling for was to get him to react quickly and decisively with-difficult child when difficult child would smart-mouth me on something small, for ex., "Five min. til dinner. Please turn off the TV, wash your hands and set the table. This is your second time." (We try to alert him in 5 min. increments.) difficult child will curl his lip and say, "Shut up." husband will just sit there. So I fly across the room and turn off the TV. I think husband should do it because he is bigger and stronger--I hate to stereotype, but there IS a difference between men and women.
    husband complains that I don't give him a chance. I have waited and stared at him and told him out loud, "Hey, do something," and he's very slow on the uptake. Then he gets upset because I'm mad at him.
    Really crummy dynamics.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, terry, he just doesn't quit, does he? You must be exhausted.

    That's for sure!

    I agree with the others, you need a plan for your own safety. No additional advice other than consider becoming Amish...but sending hugs.

  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Totoro, I have thought of that. It's not a bad idea, in general, even with-o a difficult child.
    I have taken short classes, but now that I'm middle aged and not as spry, I need different moves. ;)
  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I only say that because we have a self defense class here that is taught be police and they not only help G'sFG to be trained to protect themselves to enter the "real" world. They teach all ages and people in wheel chairs, walkers, canes etc.
    Our principal is older than you!!! ;) You are not that old!!! :)
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Okay, twist my arm. (No, wait, that's a bad idea!!)
    I'll look up classes online in our local Parks and Rec program. It would be something fun and different, too. :)
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Actually, I meant the computer situation that is ongoing- but in general, it probably applies to the cell phone issue, too. What you have been describing the past month or so about your son in school and at home with the threats/aggression and determination to outsmart each other with the computer usage, and now the cell phone, are all about the same experiences I went thru with my son- who is a difficult child but not aspie. So whether or not your son is aspie (and I have my doubts about that), I don't think that is behind the bigger issues you are going thru right now.

    As far as the computer, at one point I was court ordered to remove the computer from the home altogether. That only postponed the battles over it, but trying to outsmart my son didn't solve the problem either. Neither did rewards/consequences. When my son is stable or really trying to be a good kid (depending on your opinion of his issues), he follows the rules pretty well. Otherwise, I was fighting a losing battle and the more I tried to lock things up, hide things, or take things from him, the more things kept escalating. It did not make things better. I don't know the right answer- as you know, my son is incarcerated now for pulling a knife on me. I only know what did not work and that if/when he comes home, I will still have expectations of him that will be made clear to him. But I will never go down the path of trying to outsmart him again. My son will either comply with the house rukes/expectations (wwithin reason- if he's 15 mins late coming home I'm not going to kick him out), or he's not going to live here. Period.

    Truthfully, if I were you I would discuss things with husband and come up with a different approach to things to address the bigger issues and choose your battles, have a family meeting, and discuss everyone's issues and a plan. And if difficult child becomes violent in the future with you, call the police and report him. You won't necessaarily have the final say how the cops handle it but I do agree that this won't get better the way things are going. I know you don't want to call cops on your son- you have avoided that several times in the past- and your son knows you don't want to do it too. That's exactly why you need to show him that you WILL do it.

    I wish more than anything that my son was not incolved in the legal system, but I am not the one who put us in this situation- he did. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be because the longer he will be involved in the system and I honestly believe that he will push it until he is involved.

    Now as far as his school situation, honestly I would back off him some. I wouldn't back off the expectations for him to do homework, but I think sitting in a "hot seat" being faced with being kicked out of a sd that probably isn't right for him to begin with and after dealing with a threat at home that I might be kicked out of the house (probably his perception), might be more than I could deal with. The computer games are an escape from reality, in my humble opinion.

    These are just my opinions as an experienced outsider looking in.

    I started viewing our home situation as a scale or degree of stability. Things were either 1) stable (meaning difficult child was trying and if he had minor, age-appropriate mess-ups but took a normal minor punishment for it without rebelling), or 2) minor instability- meaning there were school disruptions, homework issues, emotional lability, or stress issues, or 3) major instability meaning major issues at school (suspension for example), complete defiance at home, emotional shut-down, and/or difficult child damaging property, or 4) crisis mode- meaning I was concerned about his safety or someone else's safety.

    I started visualizing this as stability being a Level 4, increasing up to "crisis" being a Level 1 and each level required a different approach from me in order to address it appropriately. When we were at a Level 1 crisis mode, issues in Levels 2, 3, and 4 were just not that important. I think it might help you to think about each issue you are having with your son right now and decide which level they fall in and then form a plan that you can and will enforce and stick with.

    I feel for you it's not easy to be a parent to difficult child's and deal with the situations we end up in, but once we realize and accept that we ARE in that situation, we have to deal it it.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm not so sure I would try to deal with the agression and threats by trying to learn how to physically outdo my son. My gut tells me that this approach would also turn into escalating things, but that's just MHO.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Klmno.
    I think I should learn self defense, regardless of difficult child. Like I said, I'm not getting any younger. I still remember the nuns in school, teaching us during PE self defense, how to shove the base of our hand into a guy's nose to break it, LOL!

    In regard to the computer, the problem is, it's MY computer and I have a backup, but I still have my graphics programs, taxes, novels, poetry, nonfiction, recipies, address lists, and banking on it, and if difficult child ruins it, it will be a royal pain to get it all back again. I use Ghost every few mo's, but still ...
    For example, just today, I could not access Facebook to talk to a friend with-breast cancer, because it had a record of bad stuff coming from my computer. Say what? I emailed them to ask the time and date, and suggested it may be my son.

  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing ... no matter how much difficult child used the computer during the day, he still snuck onto it at night. Very addicted. Then he would have to get up in the a.m., and he would be a monster. I mean, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He HAS to have sleep.