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Don't know if I did the right thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 634409" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>God bless you, JCW. What an incredible day you had. It sounds awful. And you know what, in between the lines, I can hear and read that you are so ready to be done with all of this insanity. You are so sick and tired. </p><p></p><p>Your son is 33 years old. If not now, then when? </p><p></p><p>Truly, really. You have done and done and done, and he is still doing exactly what he wants to do.</p><p></p><p>We all do exactly what we want to do. I firmly believe that.</p><p></p><p>Your son is continuing to make choices not to take his medication and do what the medical professionals recommend for the disease that he has. Until he is completely sick and tired of living the life he is living, he will keep on doing what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>There is not one single thing you can do to speed his bottom up. </p><p></p><p>The drama was very high, and I am hoping that through all of the events that you describe, not only are you reaching a new bottom yourself, resulting in a foundational desire to work very hard to let go of him, work on yourself, and learn even more about stopping enabling, practicing detachment with love and accepting reality---what is---but that he is moving toward a true bottom for himself.</p><p></p><p>You are absolutely entitled to live your own life. I am sure you love your son very much, but the Mommy days are over. It's time for him to live his own life on his own terms and via his own resources, whatever those are. </p><p></p><p>Yes, there will be new things that cause you to question all of this, and at times, you may want and need to step in again. </p><p></p><p>In my endless quest to manage my difficult child and prepare myself for all kinds of horrors (so I could control it, of course), I have played many, many movies in my mind. He's sick. He's hurt. He contracts a chronic disease that is curable or incurable. He contracts an acute disease that is curable or incurable. He gets someone pregnant. He gets married. He leaves the town/city/state/country legally or illegally. I don't know where he is. I don't hear from him for a day/a week/a month/a year/the rest of my life. He dies. He dies alone. He dies a horrible death. He lies somewhere hurt for days/weeks/months. </p><p></p><p>On and on and on. I tortured myself with these thoughts and fears. I'm sure most of us on this board have done the same.</p><p></p><p>Some/part/any/all of this may happen. Some of it has happened, when he got stabbed almost 10 days ago. Now what do I do? What is the right thing to do? What is the only thing to do? What would God want me to do? What would counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists/addiction specialists say to do? </p><p></p><p>On and on and on. </p><p></p><p>We torture ourselves obsessively, endlessly with our fears and our need to project and figure out and prepare for the future.</p><p></p><p>But we can't. It is impossible.</p><p></p><p>The only thing we can really do, is to decide what we will do---just for today. The day after he was stabbed, I decided I could not turn my back right now. I had to provide shelter and food for a while. I tried to keep it simple. Not to get all twisted up with lots of details, requirements and logistics. It's hard. </p><p></p><p>I'll do _______ only if he does _________. I can play that game too.</p><p></p><p>Today, now, soon it will be time to decide how to stop the help I have been giving. I have no idea how to do it and what it will look like. I am working hard, to live just for today. To decide what I can and will do, for today.</p><p></p><p>We are here for you. You have every right to decide what you will do with your own life, no matter what ANYBODY else in the world thinks. Only you know your own limits. This is about you right now, not him. </p><p></p><p>When you are flooded with emotion, try hard not to act. Try hard not to do one single thing, for a while, for a few hours or even a day or two. Just let the flood come, feel it, and then, it will subside. Then you can think about what you will do and what you will not do, just for today.</p><p></p><p>Keep sharing. We get it. We also respect every adult's right to do exactly what he or she thinks is best for them, and then, to change her/his mind at any point. That is the adult prerogative we have. </p><p></p><p>Praying for you and your son today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 634409, member: 17542"] God bless you, JCW. What an incredible day you had. It sounds awful. And you know what, in between the lines, I can hear and read that you are so ready to be done with all of this insanity. You are so sick and tired. Your son is 33 years old. If not now, then when? Truly, really. You have done and done and done, and he is still doing exactly what he wants to do. We all do exactly what we want to do. I firmly believe that. Your son is continuing to make choices not to take his medication and do what the medical professionals recommend for the disease that he has. Until he is completely sick and tired of living the life he is living, he will keep on doing what he is doing. There is not one single thing you can do to speed his bottom up. The drama was very high, and I am hoping that through all of the events that you describe, not only are you reaching a new bottom yourself, resulting in a foundational desire to work very hard to let go of him, work on yourself, and learn even more about stopping enabling, practicing detachment with love and accepting reality---what is---but that he is moving toward a true bottom for himself. You are absolutely entitled to live your own life. I am sure you love your son very much, but the Mommy days are over. It's time for him to live his own life on his own terms and via his own resources, whatever those are. Yes, there will be new things that cause you to question all of this, and at times, you may want and need to step in again. In my endless quest to manage my difficult child and prepare myself for all kinds of horrors (so I could control it, of course), I have played many, many movies in my mind. He's sick. He's hurt. He contracts a chronic disease that is curable or incurable. He contracts an acute disease that is curable or incurable. He gets someone pregnant. He gets married. He leaves the town/city/state/country legally or illegally. I don't know where he is. I don't hear from him for a day/a week/a month/a year/the rest of my life. He dies. He dies alone. He dies a horrible death. He lies somewhere hurt for days/weeks/months. On and on and on. I tortured myself with these thoughts and fears. I'm sure most of us on this board have done the same. Some/part/any/all of this may happen. Some of it has happened, when he got stabbed almost 10 days ago. Now what do I do? What is the right thing to do? What is the only thing to do? What would God want me to do? What would counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists/addiction specialists say to do? On and on and on. We torture ourselves obsessively, endlessly with our fears and our need to project and figure out and prepare for the future. But we can't. It is impossible. The only thing we can really do, is to decide what we will do---just for today. The day after he was stabbed, I decided I could not turn my back right now. I had to provide shelter and food for a while. I tried to keep it simple. Not to get all twisted up with lots of details, requirements and logistics. It's hard. I'll do _______ only if he does _________. I can play that game too. Today, now, soon it will be time to decide how to stop the help I have been giving. I have no idea how to do it and what it will look like. I am working hard, to live just for today. To decide what I can and will do, for today. We are here for you. You have every right to decide what you will do with your own life, no matter what ANYBODY else in the world thinks. Only you know your own limits. This is about you right now, not him. When you are flooded with emotion, try hard not to act. Try hard not to do one single thing, for a while, for a few hours or even a day or two. Just let the flood come, feel it, and then, it will subside. Then you can think about what you will do and what you will not do, just for today. Keep sharing. We get it. We also respect every adult's right to do exactly what he or she thinks is best for them, and then, to change her/his mind at any point. That is the adult prerogative we have. Praying for you and your son today. [/QUOTE]
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