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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 632213" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Tired Mom, </p><p></p><p>First, I am so sorry that your family is having to deal with this. We understand, most of us have been right where you are.</p><p></p><p>It's unreal, surreal, so very painful, filled with despair and fear, and seems to go on and on. I remember thinking my whole world had come to an end. Today, my son is 25, has two felonies, multiple misdemeanors, has been in jail 8 or 9 times, has been fired from many jobs, has lived on the street five different times---is living on the street now. Underneath it all is a very intelligent, loving, kind and common-sense-filled person. He has red hair, freckles, a great smile, and is a very good looking boy. He played on the high school soccer team for four years. He would have had four years of college paid. We weren't permissive, had lots of rules, curfew, consequences, went to church every Sunday---he was an acolyte, went on many mission trips, went to youth group, we had dinner on the table every night. He was loved and valued and appreciated and taken care of while he was growing up.</p><p></p><p>I say these things to you because addiction can come for anybody. It comes in the night to steal our children, and it takes hold of them and grabs onto their DNA and shakes and shakes and shakes, and it seems like it will never let them go.</p><p></p><p>Through it all, we lose the child that we loved. Now the child is a young adult, and the consequences are severe, but they won't listen and they won't stop. We try it all, everything anybody can think of, x20, and then some. Nothing works.</p><p></p><p>We are heartbroken, on our knees, staring at the wall, crying for days. We scream and yell and threaten them out of our fear. We have never been so scared in our lives. </p><p></p><p>You've read this site, I presume. I hope so. If you did, you know that the stories are the same, virtually. We do and do and do, and nothing changes, until we are all just about insane with it all, and then one day, we start to look around and see that we are doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result, and we realize something has to change, and that something has to be us.</p><p></p><p>Oh we fight it hard. We still believe we can stop them, somewhere deep inside. But we can't, and we soon start to truly see that reality. We continue to enable, because after all, these are our PRECIOUS CHILDREN. We can't give up on them! Who are we if we do?</p><p></p><p>But little by little, we start to work for a new way of living, because the way we have been doing it is driving us completely crazy and we are sick with it, many of us. We can't even function in our day to day lives. </p><p></p><p>I crawled into Al-Anon one wonderful day. That was one of the very best days of my life. Oh, I didn't get it, what they were talking about there, but I kept coming back. I didn't know what else to do. </p><p></p><p>Over time, months and years, I started to hear that there IS a different way to live. And I started to work for it. </p><p></p><p>Today...fast forward...I work an Al-Anon program of recovery for myself, and that program has brought me immeasurable peace. My precious adult son---now 25---is still living on the street today. This time it's been since June 26. </p><p></p><p>But you know something? You can live with this. It may sound impossible to conceive today, but I am just like you, and your story is my story.</p><p></p><p>Please read the post on detachment, print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror and refrigerator. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Keep going back for at least six meetings until you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Buy an Al-Anon book. Read it. Over and over again. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Every morning, write a gratitude list. Write five things down you are thankful for. Do it every day. Start taking care of yourself. Do nice and kind things for yourself. Make your life simpler. If you believe, pray. Ask your Higher Power (God for me) for help and support. </p><p></p><p>You can still love your son, and you can be kind and encouraging to him, as you start to detach, realize he is a grown man in the grip of a terrible disease, and you can start accepting his life, just as it is, today. Oh, I'm not saying you will like any of it, and deep down, you will never truly accept this life he is living, I don't believe, but you can walk toward acceptance and get a lot closer.</p><p></p><p>Because that is truly the only choice you have. You aren't going to change him. You aren't going to make him stop doing anything he wants to do one day sooner. </p><p></p><p>Letting him go is all you CAN do. I say these things with kindness and empathy to you, because i so understand where you are today. You will get better inch by inch, day by day, hour by hour, IF you work at it. It takes daily work. And you will backslide, and that is okay too. There is nothing harder than this.</p><p></p><p>Tonight, please know we are here for you. We respect your decisions and your choices, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do---ever. We can share our experience, strength and hope. There is a lot of it. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. I will pray for you all, including your precious son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 632213, member: 17542"] Hi Tired Mom, First, I am so sorry that your family is having to deal with this. We understand, most of us have been right where you are. It's unreal, surreal, so very painful, filled with despair and fear, and seems to go on and on. I remember thinking my whole world had come to an end. Today, my son is 25, has two felonies, multiple misdemeanors, has been in jail 8 or 9 times, has been fired from many jobs, has lived on the street five different times---is living on the street now. Underneath it all is a very intelligent, loving, kind and common-sense-filled person. He has red hair, freckles, a great smile, and is a very good looking boy. He played on the high school soccer team for four years. He would have had four years of college paid. We weren't permissive, had lots of rules, curfew, consequences, went to church every Sunday---he was an acolyte, went on many mission trips, went to youth group, we had dinner on the table every night. He was loved and valued and appreciated and taken care of while he was growing up. I say these things to you because addiction can come for anybody. It comes in the night to steal our children, and it takes hold of them and grabs onto their DNA and shakes and shakes and shakes, and it seems like it will never let them go. Through it all, we lose the child that we loved. Now the child is a young adult, and the consequences are severe, but they won't listen and they won't stop. We try it all, everything anybody can think of, x20, and then some. Nothing works. We are heartbroken, on our knees, staring at the wall, crying for days. We scream and yell and threaten them out of our fear. We have never been so scared in our lives. You've read this site, I presume. I hope so. If you did, you know that the stories are the same, virtually. We do and do and do, and nothing changes, until we are all just about insane with it all, and then one day, we start to look around and see that we are doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result, and we realize something has to change, and that something has to be us. Oh we fight it hard. We still believe we can stop them, somewhere deep inside. But we can't, and we soon start to truly see that reality. We continue to enable, because after all, these are our PRECIOUS CHILDREN. We can't give up on them! Who are we if we do? But little by little, we start to work for a new way of living, because the way we have been doing it is driving us completely crazy and we are sick with it, many of us. We can't even function in our day to day lives. I crawled into Al-Anon one wonderful day. That was one of the very best days of my life. Oh, I didn't get it, what they were talking about there, but I kept coming back. I didn't know what else to do. Over time, months and years, I started to hear that there IS a different way to live. And I started to work for it. Today...fast forward...I work an Al-Anon program of recovery for myself, and that program has brought me immeasurable peace. My precious adult son---now 25---is still living on the street today. This time it's been since June 26. But you know something? You can live with this. It may sound impossible to conceive today, but I am just like you, and your story is my story. Please read the post on detachment, print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror and refrigerator. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Keep going back for at least six meetings until you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Buy an Al-Anon book. Read it. Over and over again. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Every morning, write a gratitude list. Write five things down you are thankful for. Do it every day. Start taking care of yourself. Do nice and kind things for yourself. Make your life simpler. If you believe, pray. Ask your Higher Power (God for me) for help and support. You can still love your son, and you can be kind and encouraging to him, as you start to detach, realize he is a grown man in the grip of a terrible disease, and you can start accepting his life, just as it is, today. Oh, I'm not saying you will like any of it, and deep down, you will never truly accept this life he is living, I don't believe, but you can walk toward acceptance and get a lot closer. Because that is truly the only choice you have. You aren't going to change him. You aren't going to make him stop doing anything he wants to do one day sooner. Letting him go is all you CAN do. I say these things with kindness and empathy to you, because i so understand where you are today. You will get better inch by inch, day by day, hour by hour, IF you work at it. It takes daily work. And you will backslide, and that is okay too. There is nothing harder than this. Tonight, please know we are here for you. We respect your decisions and your choices, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do---ever. We can share our experience, strength and hope. There is a lot of it. Warm hugs. I will pray for you all, including your precious son. [/QUOTE]
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