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"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 652244" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I agree that the phrase is disturbingly relevant. But back when all this began, I went through a kind of willing self-conflagration. </p><p></p><p>I was saving my own life, too.</p><p></p><p>Everything was seen through a filter of "Where did I go wrong, what did I miss, how can I change this?"</p><p></p><p>I can only engage in detachment now because I know the other way does not work. It's still very hard for me, but I believe now, that the hard way is the best chance either of the kids have to reclaim their lives.</p><p></p><p>They don't have to like me, and I don't have to like me, either. </p><p></p><p>There have been days I disgust myself. I cannot put the pieces of how this business of family is supposed to look together with what I have. Maybe that is not quite true, just lately.</p><p></p><p>Just lately, I am proud and amazed that we hung through together at all.</p><p></p><p>Very often these days, I do not like, admire me. I do not find myself generous and giving and forgiving. I think bad thoughts about family members and even sometimes about the kids.</p><p></p><p>This is very disturbing to me.</p><p></p><p>It matters how we see them, how we see one another, or nothing matters, at all.</p><p></p><p>Thanks to this site, I have been able to work my way out of that single-focus place where we go when our kids are in trouble and saving them (and ourselves) somehow is all we know to do.</p><p></p><p>I have posted here before about the effect all this had on my commitment to my marriage ~ really, to anything that had mattered to me in that life I lived before the bad things started happening to all of us.</p><p></p><p>I went through it again, maybe at a deeper, more determined level, when our son stumbled and fell and fell.</p><p></p><p>So I guess what I am saying Jabber is that, for me, it was a willing conflagration of self, to warm my child enough to get them through to that place where life would become a sane thing, again.</p><p></p><p>That is why the imagery in the phrase you posted doesn't work for me.</p><p></p><p>I don't think moms have a choice.</p><p></p><p>Even now, I don't see detachment as something that ~ as a kind of judgment call about what either of my kids are doing.</p><p></p><p>I am still trying to save them.</p><p></p><p>Detachment, making it very clear to the kids that they are separate people who will do what they do and that this no longer defines me ~ that seems to be working. It is still very hard, but the kids are all picking up. (We have grands now, who are making choices and expecting so much from us, too.)</p><p></p><p>In detaching, I am finding I have so much time now to think about things that are interesting to me. Because I have been disciplining myself to do that ~ to make a space for other interests ~ I am able to put those worrisome feelings away in a less prominent place in my psyche.</p><p></p><p>That is a good way to describe what this feels like.</p><p></p><p>As the kids (all of them) begin picking up and planning their lives and not asking to come and live with us anymore because we said that so hard word "no" a million times, things are actually improving for all of us.</p><p></p><p>So...detachment works.</p><p></p><p>But it is only a different kind of fire. It's like I am managing what was once a conflagration.</p><p></p><p>This is not the parent I wanted to be (needed to be?), either.</p><p></p><p>But it is the way of parenting that works, for my kids.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard for me, though.</p><p></p><p>D H has never had even a concern about turning away from a child, once he has gone all out two or three times. When our daughter got into trouble again, as an adult this time, we went through that whole desperate dance to save her, again. Right down to the heartstrings part, and the horror part and the really crummy part where you cannot even believe you are refusing to assist someone in dire need, let alone your own child.</p><p></p><p>But she is pulling through beautifully.</p><p></p><p>Our son is pulling through beautifully.</p><p></p><p>And so it seems detachment is working for us.</p><p></p><p>For D H, it was never a question of what might "work". He is done in a way I am not...but at the same time, I have the sense that he could create relationship from this point in a way I could not. </p><p></p><p>This was a good and apt description of what we ~ of how this is all happening to us now, Jabber.</p><p></p><p>I will think about that imagery of burning myself up to warm someone who refuses to come in from the cold.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that can help me, if things turn bad again.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 652244, member: 17461"] I agree that the phrase is disturbingly relevant. But back when all this began, I went through a kind of willing self-conflagration. I was saving my own life, too. Everything was seen through a filter of "Where did I go wrong, what did I miss, how can I change this?" I can only engage in detachment now because I know the other way does not work. It's still very hard for me, but I believe now, that the hard way is the best chance either of the kids have to reclaim their lives. They don't have to like me, and I don't have to like me, either. There have been days I disgust myself. I cannot put the pieces of how this business of family is supposed to look together with what I have. Maybe that is not quite true, just lately. Just lately, I am proud and amazed that we hung through together at all. Very often these days, I do not like, admire me. I do not find myself generous and giving and forgiving. I think bad thoughts about family members and even sometimes about the kids. This is very disturbing to me. It matters how we see them, how we see one another, or nothing matters, at all. Thanks to this site, I have been able to work my way out of that single-focus place where we go when our kids are in trouble and saving them (and ourselves) somehow is all we know to do. I have posted here before about the effect all this had on my commitment to my marriage ~ really, to anything that had mattered to me in that life I lived before the bad things started happening to all of us. I went through it again, maybe at a deeper, more determined level, when our son stumbled and fell and fell. So I guess what I am saying Jabber is that, for me, it was a willing conflagration of self, to warm my child enough to get them through to that place where life would become a sane thing, again. That is why the imagery in the phrase you posted doesn't work for me. I don't think moms have a choice. Even now, I don't see detachment as something that ~ as a kind of judgment call about what either of my kids are doing. I am still trying to save them. Detachment, making it very clear to the kids that they are separate people who will do what they do and that this no longer defines me ~ that seems to be working. It is still very hard, but the kids are all picking up. (We have grands now, who are making choices and expecting so much from us, too.) In detaching, I am finding I have so much time now to think about things that are interesting to me. Because I have been disciplining myself to do that ~ to make a space for other interests ~ I am able to put those worrisome feelings away in a less prominent place in my psyche. That is a good way to describe what this feels like. As the kids (all of them) begin picking up and planning their lives and not asking to come and live with us anymore because we said that so hard word "no" a million times, things are actually improving for all of us. So...detachment works. But it is only a different kind of fire. It's like I am managing what was once a conflagration. This is not the parent I wanted to be (needed to be?), either. But it is the way of parenting that works, for my kids. It's really hard for me, though. D H has never had even a concern about turning away from a child, once he has gone all out two or three times. When our daughter got into trouble again, as an adult this time, we went through that whole desperate dance to save her, again. Right down to the heartstrings part, and the horror part and the really crummy part where you cannot even believe you are refusing to assist someone in dire need, let alone your own child. But she is pulling through beautifully. Our son is pulling through beautifully. And so it seems detachment is working for us. For D H, it was never a question of what might "work". He is done in a way I am not...but at the same time, I have the sense that he could create relationship from this point in a way I could not. This was a good and apt description of what we ~ of how this is all happening to us now, Jabber. I will think about that imagery of burning myself up to warm someone who refuses to come in from the cold. Maybe, that can help me, if things turn bad again. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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