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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 696841" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Zin, RN, it is so hard and long and filled with pain for you when they are struggling and relapse and continue to "go down." I so understand because I was right there for a long long time, with my son.</p><p></p><p>Right now both of your precious sons are where they can get help. This is good. This is what you have wanted. Relax into that. Something good has a chance to happen here---not a magical turnaround---that isn't reality, but a step forward. Maybe multiple steps forward. </p><p></p><p>Right now, when they are both being treated, take the time to treat yourself.</p><p></p><p>Zin, I hear in your post the struggle about "stepping away." I think as Moms we see this as abandoning our own children---something unthinkable to all of us. This is not abandonment. You love him and you are his mother. That will never change. </p><p></p><p>Stepping away from another adult is a boundary. It isn't a cruel or mean thing. It is setting a healthy boundary with another adult human being. We all need boundaries with all of the adult people in our lives. Boundaries is a concept I never understood---in fact I had bad boundaries with a lot of people all my life because I couldn't see where they and I began and ended. I thought my care and love for them meant I could be "up in their business" to the detriment of being "up in my own business." As I went to Al-Anon and started reading and studying---reading books like Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---I began to see things I had never seen before.</p><p></p><p>And seeing these things helped me in all my relationships but especially with my own son. Before that, I thought I was going to save him. In fact, I thought my love---surely stronger than any other person's love ever for their precious child---was strong enough to save him and if I just tried harder, it would surely happen. I was not going to be denied. </p><p></p><p>Over time, with new information and new thinking...I was able to change my own thinking and my own behavior. My feelings lagged much further behind, and that was a distraction to my own recovery from enabling. I enabled a lot of people. I grew up the oldest of four in a household with a terminally ill child. I learned to be "strong" and to handle things, and boy was I good at handling things. I was your go-to girl. I didn't need anything, and I was always available to help you solve your problems. In fact, I knew what was best for you. I didn't see this as arrogance, just care and with the best of intentions. Over time, I came to see my own behavior as arrogance.</p><p></p><p>Today, I am more able to let people go. I still have to work at this---I don't have it all figured out and have myself all together. Years of practice take time to unravel. </p><p></p><p>Today, I have so much compassion for all of us. For myself. For you. We are doing what is instinctual---the mother/son/daughter connection is primal and visceral and such a wonderful thing. But as they grow up, we have to learn to let them go. We have to let our healthy children go, and we have to let our children who are not as healthy go. Yes, we can help people---we can help our own children---but with many boundaries in place. We have to be able to see when our "help" becomes enabling and gets in their way of their becoming adults. For most of us, this is a process and there will be lots of missteps.</p><p></p><p>I say these things because I finally learned that the best way to help him...was first to help myself. The direct route of "helping" him never changed anything in my own situation with my precious son. He just kept on. </p><p></p><p>When I finally stepped away---not abandonment, not giving up, not being mean or "never seeing him", not cutting him off completely---just setting physical boundaries for a long time---seeing him only at certain times and under certain circumstances and with limits, giving him no money at all, sometimes washing his blanket when he was homeless or taking him for a meal, staying no longer than 30 minutes, for example, or even just seeing him on Fridays when he was homeless, sitting in my car talking for 10 minutes. This is what it took, for me and for him to separate in a healthy way from each other. </p><p></p><p>Then, my son had a chance to see what he wanted to make of his life. For a long time, things went further down, during this. Then, finally, the last night he was in jail, he decided "no more." And since then, there have been more than 2 years of steady progress. Not everybody's story is like this. There are no guarantees that stepping away will result in a turnaround. I know that. But that is my story, with my son, today, and I believe my getting out of the way was a major factor---not the only factor, but a major one---in my son's turnaround.</p><p></p><p>Please know that whatever actions you decide to take, we respect that. We know this is a process. We know that every situation is different, and every person is at a different point in the process. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do or not do. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 696841, member: 17542"] Zin, RN, it is so hard and long and filled with pain for you when they are struggling and relapse and continue to "go down." I so understand because I was right there for a long long time, with my son. Right now both of your precious sons are where they can get help. This is good. This is what you have wanted. Relax into that. Something good has a chance to happen here---not a magical turnaround---that isn't reality, but a step forward. Maybe multiple steps forward. Right now, when they are both being treated, take the time to treat yourself. Zin, I hear in your post the struggle about "stepping away." I think as Moms we see this as abandoning our own children---something unthinkable to all of us. This is not abandonment. You love him and you are his mother. That will never change. Stepping away from another adult is a boundary. It isn't a cruel or mean thing. It is setting a healthy boundary with another adult human being. We all need boundaries with all of the adult people in our lives. Boundaries is a concept I never understood---in fact I had bad boundaries with a lot of people all my life because I couldn't see where they and I began and ended. I thought my care and love for them meant I could be "up in their business" to the detriment of being "up in my own business." As I went to Al-Anon and started reading and studying---reading books like Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---I began to see things I had never seen before. And seeing these things helped me in all my relationships but especially with my own son. Before that, I thought I was going to save him. In fact, I thought my love---surely stronger than any other person's love ever for their precious child---was strong enough to save him and if I just tried harder, it would surely happen. I was not going to be denied. Over time, with new information and new thinking...I was able to change my own thinking and my own behavior. My feelings lagged much further behind, and that was a distraction to my own recovery from enabling. I enabled a lot of people. I grew up the oldest of four in a household with a terminally ill child. I learned to be "strong" and to handle things, and boy was I good at handling things. I was your go-to girl. I didn't need anything, and I was always available to help you solve your problems. In fact, I knew what was best for you. I didn't see this as arrogance, just care and with the best of intentions. Over time, I came to see my own behavior as arrogance. Today, I am more able to let people go. I still have to work at this---I don't have it all figured out and have myself all together. Years of practice take time to unravel. Today, I have so much compassion for all of us. For myself. For you. We are doing what is instinctual---the mother/son/daughter connection is primal and visceral and such a wonderful thing. But as they grow up, we have to learn to let them go. We have to let our healthy children go, and we have to let our children who are not as healthy go. Yes, we can help people---we can help our own children---but with many boundaries in place. We have to be able to see when our "help" becomes enabling and gets in their way of their becoming adults. For most of us, this is a process and there will be lots of missteps. I say these things because I finally learned that the best way to help him...was first to help myself. The direct route of "helping" him never changed anything in my own situation with my precious son. He just kept on. When I finally stepped away---not abandonment, not giving up, not being mean or "never seeing him", not cutting him off completely---just setting physical boundaries for a long time---seeing him only at certain times and under certain circumstances and with limits, giving him no money at all, sometimes washing his blanket when he was homeless or taking him for a meal, staying no longer than 30 minutes, for example, or even just seeing him on Fridays when he was homeless, sitting in my car talking for 10 minutes. This is what it took, for me and for him to separate in a healthy way from each other. Then, my son had a chance to see what he wanted to make of his life. For a long time, things went further down, during this. Then, finally, the last night he was in jail, he decided "no more." And since then, there have been more than 2 years of steady progress. Not everybody's story is like this. There are no guarantees that stepping away will result in a turnaround. I know that. But that is my story, with my son, today, and I believe my getting out of the way was a major factor---not the only factor, but a major one---in my son's turnaround. Please know that whatever actions you decide to take, we respect that. We know this is a process. We know that every situation is different, and every person is at a different point in the process. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do or not do. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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