Don't underestimate the power of BELOWING

[keista]

So, the last few days there have been a couple threads where I added my 2 cents on staying calm when dealing with a difficult child. I've taught myself to stay calm equally for my benefit as well as my kids'. Turns out I'm an all or nothing type of person. I need to ACTIVELY practice that authoritarian parental BELLOW. The one that gets their attention, but that doesn't push my blood pressure into the stratosphere.

DD1 has had a rough week. Seems like it was an adverse reaction to medication, and now that we are starting to cut the suspected culprit down, she seems to be getting stable. Today was her first "good" day in over a week. I've been doing the eggshell tread trying to keep her from snapping (into violence or severe depression), and continued it today "just in case"

So, bed time rolls around and she asks for another 1/2 hour. I allow it as long as she is engaged in an activity.. The 1/2 hour passes and I remind her it's time for bed. She starts begging and pleading for more time, and I am firm and say no, it's time for bed. She doesn't move. She says "No" OY! Yes, sweetie, it's time for bed. "you can't make me" I glare at her - no effect. Thoughts are racing wildly through my head. I so just want to lose my temper and start screaming, all the posts I've written about staying calm for me, flash before my eyes. I flip back and forth between the two several times, and then that light bulb lit up over my head - be loud, be strong, be firm. yeah, I can't do that, I start doing that I WILL start to lose it. BUT. what if I do it with just ONE syllable?

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a BELLOW. Not as bad as yelling or screaming. Not as gentle as the parental firm deep voice. It was loud, it was strong, it was CONTROLLED.

Oh boy! That child got up and ran!!!!!!!! I was so like and since I was and My blood pressure did not go up and I was so proud of myself so to me!

I was quite surprised it worked, but at the same time not all that surprised.

10 minutes later she came out, in tears, apologizing for not listening the first time. Oh, the poor kid! We talked it out and I gave her a big hug. And to be on the safe side asked her if that was at all her "trance" state (aka creepy) or if it was her. She told me it was all her. (another huge sigh of relief).

So off to bed she goes and Mom learns another valuable lesson. Mom NEEDS to find that middle ground - where I can be firm and authoritarian, but not get myself into a tizzy. I can be calm and gentle, but I must have some "big guns" in my arsenal and I must be able to CONTROL them. I need to constantly switch it up and keep those kids guessing at how I will react next.


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[flutterby]

I have often employed that technique - although without the grace. I was losing my temper, but reined it in enough to only bellow one word. It seems like it was usually, "NOW!!!!"

For me, though, it has always annoyed me to no end that it had to get to that point before difficult child (easy child, too, sometimes) would listen.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Keista, well done! That sounds just right.

Love, Esther

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Great Belowing!

Sharon

 

[TeDo]

Good Job Keista!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

I love it! Come over here and bellow!

What a sweetie, that your daughter was affected that way. I'm so used to my son's hard-headed, blockhead, hear -nothing, see-nothing nonresponses that I don't know what I'd do if he burst into tears and apologized.
He usually only does that if *I* burst into tears and lock myself in my room.
Hmm.

 

[wintak]

Excellent Job!

 

[keista]

10Q 10Q 10Q

And Oops - misspelled it in the title. Duh!

Terry, DD1 is a very sweet sensitive girl. Some of her personal conflicts are because she doesn't want to hurt others' feelings, but needs to stand up for herself at the same time, so she spins into conflict, and explodes.

She's not a 'true' difficult child, but she is MY difficult child. I"m so on top of her issues because I can completely see her becoming a true difficult child as a teen. If I steer her right, I might be lucky enough to thwart SERIOUS problems.

 

[AnnieO]

I used to use "ENOUGH!" with the kids.

Now? Jett cries and Onyxx throws a hissy fit. I gave up.

 

[flutterby]

Oh yeah, that's another one I use - ENOUGH!!! I've probably said (bellowed) Enough and Now more than anything else in my life.

 

[Wiped Out]

Love it!!

 

[susiestar]

Love it !!!!!

Often we have to change things to get their attention and let them know we are serious. Reminds me of hearing Wiz tell EVERYONE that the only way I speak to him is to scream and yell at him. Then I got notes from teachers, calls from relatives, even parents at school as we waited to get our kids would try to "talk" to me about this.

So one day I said every single word to him at the TOP of my lungs. From Good Morning to do you want milk with your cereal or next to it to have a good day. I told him if he wanted to play poor abused boy who's mommy only yells at him, well, we could make it true. It was a weekend and by lunch he was BEGGING me to stop yelling. Esp as each time I did infant thank you started crying - something that upset him greatly. He even called my parents and the relatives to say he had lied when he said all I did was yell. He did tell my mom that I showed him the difference and let him choose whether he wanted the way I normally spoke or for me to yell at him all the time. By the time he handed the phone to me my mother was laughing uncontrollably. She and my dad laughed for about an hour over that!! Mostly because it was SO what she would have done to us!

It is AWESOME to do things to get their attention. If you have problems with kids being too into what they are doing to pay attention to you when you ask them to do something, try finding a phrase to get their attention. We never had dessert on a regular basis, but it was probably Wiz' favorite thing int he world. So for years I would call out "chocolate chip cookies" or "chocolate pudding" or "cheesecake" or some other dessert they really liked - and then when they turned to look at me I would aks them to do whatever. I had to change the item, and had a few debates about how mean it was to say it when I didn't intend to give it to them, but it still works even after all these years. The first few months I did once in a while call out something and then NOT have a request or chore or whatever, but gave them the item I called out. NOT often, but enough that they always wondered.

 

[keista]

Love yours too Susie! I'll have to remember that "yelling everything" thing if it ever becomes one of our issues.