In between running, I just stole a few minutes- this has been on my brain since I replied earlier. Not sure if I explained myself well earlier.
an example- easy child sometimes gets torn between being loyal to a lifelong frined....and things a (any, not any specific one) friend might do- or "experiment with" or whatever- say- drinking? Now easy child knows many ADULTS have drinking problems, and some do not. She knows I do not drink at all, and haven't in over 20 years. She knows I rant and say it is SO expensive to get caught, financially, and socially- like if you get a DUI, it can be a problem legally, and with a job etc...but she also knows some people do handle a drink socially just fine. (people of legal drinking age)
One of her friends who she has been friends with since she was 3 yrs old showed up- drunk- and the friend got sick. easy child came immediately and got me, becuz she said she kept asking her friend "are you drunk?" and friend kept saying no. I did NOT punish easy child....she did what I consider to be the correct thing, she asked for guidance and help in a messy situation. She did not hide the problem, or ignore it. Then she stepped back to see what I would do. I called the kids parents to come get him, told parents I was not sure, but I thought he may have been drinking, I was not angry, I simply said I thinnnk it best you come in case there is a health problem I do not know of, and come quick becuz I want it CLEAR you child did NOT get alcohol here at MY house....and NO I am not permitting your child to leave in this condition. Either you come now or I call 9-11 paramedics, becuz something is not right.
I did fear being accused of the child getting alcohol here, altho I do not HAVE any here. I did NOT punish becuz I NEED my kids to KNOW I welcome a call for help and request for guidance.
I did NOT ban the friend from our home. The next day, I requested drunken friend to come here so I could tell said friend, hey dude, you put ME in a bad spot, and it upset ME. Plus I was scared for you, scared for your well being. If you had not really been drinking alcohol, the way you were behaving was a sign of a serious health crisis. IF you are going to drink, you NEED to be honest about it, and if you are gonna drink, you absolutely MUST NOT DRIVE! And.....actually, if you do drink, I really prefer you to NOT come here when you do, becuz I am NOT interesting in the legal issues this might bring on ME. I will NOT cover your behind if it puts mine at risk. HOWEVER- I WILL come get you and take you either home or to hospital if you find yourself in such a mess again. BUT I do NOT guarantee you I will do so more than once. I DO NOT want you driving drunk. I do NOT want to come to a nurseing home to visit you for the next 25 years becuz you got alcohol poisoning and fried your brain, and I definetly do not want to visit you in jail, nor do I want to come to a funeral. I would MUCH prefer to see you socially as a successful working adult.
easy child was very nervous I would ban said friend. She was also unsure what to do about her own friendship. I told her so long as someone is a friend with such a long history, if they have been a decent person all along, dureing teen years, people can do some wild things. You have to guage the situation, see how much risk any friend might have put you in.....see how often anyone engages in dangrous situations, and sometimes you CAN be there and try to help a friend stay ON track, but- sometimes, you do have to cut loose and seperate. She had seriously difficulty realizing some of her lifelong friends were going their own ways now that they are teens. SHe wanted to rescue and save her friends who were straying into poor direction. I admire her loyalty. BUT I also told her a friend needs to show true love and not permit a friend to go to such bad choices. And sometimes friends just resist the help and guidance. when that happens, sometimes you have to let go. Teenhood IS a hard time becuz the kids ARE going to experiment with all kinds of things. (s e x drugs, smoking, drinking) MOST people do NOT learn from someone else telling them something. It is human nature to learn best by your own mistakes. SO we do need to be ready to accept a few mistakes here and there, and be there to help our teens find the correct balances in life. ANd yeah, lots of the dumb things are exactly becuz they are at that hard age. they are now becoming people makeing their own choices and faceing their own consequences yet they are still unsure, and can still get scared and can on occasion get in over their heads. And yeah, it is not just difficult child stuff. My goofy easy child got herself in over her own head, with her desire to have a job and work. She had some difficulty balanceing out work/school/recreation. I wanted to micromanage her, but, she learned better by haveing some little brushes with the problems this caused. When I decided she had gotten in deep enough, I sat down WITH her and helped her re-group. and I told her, yes, this is becuz you are a teen. Old enough to do things, but not yet old enough to do it totlally alone. Let me help. I tell my kids on their birthdays every year- being a year older means remembering to holler for help- asking for help when you need it is NOT a sign of immaturity, it is a sign you are smart enough to know you do not know everything.