Don't you get tired of hearing......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Apr 4, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    "It's cause I'm a teenager now, mom" as an excuse for every dumb or outright defiant behavior out of your difficult child?

    kt has been using this statement since she turned 13 - like it gives her a free pass on all of her antics. Yeah - right. :talkhand: Doesn't cut it with me!

    What about all those defiant behaviors before you became a teeenager, kt? "I was just a stupid kid, then." So, now she's an informed but stupid defiant teenager? Is that any better? :faint::nonono::rofl:

    The whole attitude makes me cringe.

    by the way, as a small aside - it looks as thought the incident that occurred at respite this past weekend will be investigated. The police will be collecting kt's cell phone as evidence at CPS's requiest, as there were 2 pictures found on it with date/time stamps that indicate that staff should have been supervising these girls. Thank goodness, husband & I never allowed text messaging or internet access to kt's phone.

    In the meantime, the fallout has been swinging between very subdued & baby like behaviors or very defiant mature - "I know what I'm doing, mom" attitudes.

    Been quite the spring break here in tweedle land.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter tried the teenager excuse once. I told her the next time she used her age for being mean and stupid, I would take all teen rights away from her -- that meant no tv in her room, no staying up til 10:00 on school nights, no staying up til midnight on weekends, etc. My logic was if being a teen made her that mean and that stupid, then she needed to prove she could handle making teen decisions and having teen rights. It didn't stop the behavior but at least I didn't have to hear such a dumb reason for her doing things since she was making those same dumb choices pre-teen and now post-teen.

    I'm glad to hear that the incident is being investigated. The lack of supervision for girls like yours or mine in such circumstances is just plain inexcusable. I was lucky that mine did most of her sexual acting out when she was much younger -- this really did make it easier in terms of talking to her and getting her ready for the hormonal surges (both for me and her therapist). I'm sorry you're going through this.

  3. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    I get tired of hearing myself say that! You know just thinking to myself after an incident "why did he do that"? Oh yea, he's a teenager.

    Aliens invade there body from 13 to 19 - the easy child aliens are easier to deal with than the difficult child aliens, but they are all aliens.

    My difficult child will be 15 in exactly one month - now I am suppose to give this alien difficult child teen a permit to drive a car???? That just doesn't make any sense to me. :nonono:
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Happy, I didn't give my daughter the privilege of driving -- she hadn't earned it. I had told her from about age 7 on that to drive she had to maintain a B average (good student insurance discount), be able to keep her temper in check and pay for half of a defensive driving course ($1,500 for her share). She never maintained the grade average so everything else was moot. Just remember, driving is a privilege, not a right.

    When you factor in poor impulse control with temper tantrums, there is no way I would allow anyone, let alone my child, to hold a deadly weapon and, to me, a car is one of the deadliest weapons available. I love her too much to allow her to either kill herself or others because she can't control herself.

    At 19, I did finally teach her to drive (and still required she pay her share of a defensive driving course). She has learned to control her temper enough where I'm comfortable with her driving. Even with that, she's still managed to be in two accidents -- one where she was rearended, the other where both drivers were at fault.

    So, if you're not comfortable with the idea of your son driving, don't let him. Make him earn the right to drive, don't make it automatic just because he is of age.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Linda - Eeyore uses that phrase a bit more than Kanga. Kanga tells me I have to let her do things "cause I'm a teenager!) As we said when we were teens, "As if!" It does grate on the nerves.

    Happy - same rules as meowbunny in our house. There is no way Kanga is getting her driver's license before she is 18. I will not be legally responsible for her lack of judgment and impulse control behind the wheel of a car! So far, Eeyore looks like he might be able to get it all together in time, but we will see....
  6. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I now have 3 teenagers- YIKES! LOL. But my kids do not use the excuse, but I do. Teenager time is a hard time for the kids AND the adults/parents. I know I would not want to go back and BE a teen again, no thank you. I watch my kids, and my neices and nephews and my cousins kids and my kids friends and the neighbors, and YUK, I just would NOT want to have to be trying to be a teen in this world, now.
    I am seeing the kids who were such perfect little ones get tangled up between loyalty to peers who they have known since preschool----watch them try to find the balance between independance and responsibility and makeing mistakes, see them struggle to be so on their own, even when they are scared inside and really would much rather cry out "mommy!" but can't becuz they are too embarrassed in front of peers or afraid the adults will use their cry for help against them.

    There is just SO much for them to be learning, now and so much temptation and so many confuseing issues out in the world....heck it confuses ME sometimes, and I am FAR from teenhood.

    Even the s e x issues are difficult and confuseing, even for pre teens. Our local police have decided to be VERY proactive and quite aggressive..and I am afraid a couple 10 yr olds I know were actually arrested and booked as sex offenders for playing truth or dare....and then also charged with felony obstruction of justice for one of the kids telling the other "shush don't laugh, or someone will hear and we will get caught" Turns out the police decided that nevermind as toddlers and young children these kids were tumbling together and climbing all over each other, once they are no longer little toddlers, this type of play is no longer acceptable or "innocent" The kids are really haveing difficulty decideing if even simple handholding is a problem? Of course in elementary school they were TOLD to hand holds so as to not get lost on field trips etc and now holding hands is not seen quite the same way, so even if the kids are NOT thinking they are being s e x ual, sometimes it is still percieved that way by others. Yet at the same time, here at our school- they no longer seperate boys and girls for gym class in HS, dureing gym they are together.

    Now as for driving? YIKES I have difficulty with this. My oldest does not drive. I did not let her, I did not even offer up any set of rules or conditions for her - did not matter to me if she DID meet any "conditions" Truth is she is very anxious, and flips into fight or flight panic very easily. I do not blame her for her fight or flight reaction, and her not even getting to take drivers ed was NOT a punishment and was not presented to her as a punishment. It was simply a statement of fact, just like if she were blind, she would not get MY permission to drive. I do not care one iota if the state said she could drive, I said she couldn't. It is not the state who would have to cope with her and her feelings if something bad happened, it would be my child and I overruled the states thoughts and simply said no. I was not nasty, not judegemental, this is simply HOW IT IS. Sometimes age is entirely irrelevant. I do remind my kids that just becuz I am over age 21, it does not mean I can go drinking, I can't.....sure my AGE permits me to, but other issues do NOT permit me to. I also remind them that hey, I no longer must abide by curfew, BUT when I worked starting at 4 am, curfew was irrelevant becuz I wanted to keep my job, I liked being paid, and that meant I needed to havemyself at home and in bed in time to be up and on my way to work on time. Nevermind I am more than old enough to not have a curfew.

    Ah but, yes, I do say to my kids, oh it's becuz you are a teen. LIke when easy child and her boyfriend went out to eat at a nice place, and got crummy service.....they were so upset, but they knew it was becuz the server ASSUMED since they were "teens" they might not leave a good tip, and they might behave abnoxiously. They DID leave a good tip and they HOPE next time they go there, the server will remember they did mind their manners and did leave a good tip.
  7. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I hear that from everyone else when I talk about difficult child and her moods...everyone gives me "puberty" lecture:mad: difficult child usually blames her mood swings on everyone else:laughing:
  8. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    In between running, I just stole a few minutes- this has been on my brain since I replied earlier. Not sure if I explained myself well earlier.
    an example- easy child sometimes gets torn between being loyal to a lifelong frined....and things a (any, not any specific one) friend might do- or "experiment with" or whatever- say- drinking? Now easy child knows many ADULTS have drinking problems, and some do not. She knows I do not drink at all, and haven't in over 20 years. She knows I rant and say it is SO expensive to get caught, financially, and socially- like if you get a DUI, it can be a problem legally, and with a job etc...but she also knows some people do handle a drink socially just fine. (people of legal drinking age)
    One of her friends who she has been friends with since she was 3 yrs old showed up- drunk- and the friend got sick. easy child came immediately and got me, becuz she said she kept asking her friend "are you drunk?" and friend kept saying no. I did NOT punish easy child....she did what I consider to be the correct thing, she asked for guidance and help in a messy situation. She did not hide the problem, or ignore it. Then she stepped back to see what I would do. I called the kids parents to come get him, told parents I was not sure, but I thought he may have been drinking, I was not angry, I simply said I thinnnk it best you come in case there is a health problem I do not know of, and come quick becuz I want it CLEAR you child did NOT get alcohol here at MY house....and NO I am not permitting your child to leave in this condition. Either you come now or I call 9-11 paramedics, becuz something is not right.
    I did fear being accused of the child getting alcohol here, altho I do not HAVE any here. I did NOT punish becuz I NEED my kids to KNOW I welcome a call for help and request for guidance.
    I did NOT ban the friend from our home. The next day, I requested drunken friend to come here so I could tell said friend, hey dude, you put ME in a bad spot, and it upset ME. Plus I was scared for you, scared for your well being. If you had not really been drinking alcohol, the way you were behaving was a sign of a serious health crisis. IF you are going to drink, you NEED to be honest about it, and if you are gonna drink, you absolutely MUST NOT DRIVE! And.....actually, if you do drink, I really prefer you to NOT come here when you do, becuz I am NOT interesting in the legal issues this might bring on ME. I will NOT cover your behind if it puts mine at risk. HOWEVER- I WILL come get you and take you either home or to hospital if you find yourself in such a mess again. BUT I do NOT guarantee you I will do so more than once. I DO NOT want you driving drunk. I do NOT want to come to a nurseing home to visit you for the next 25 years becuz you got alcohol poisoning and fried your brain, and I definetly do not want to visit you in jail, nor do I want to come to a funeral. I would MUCH prefer to see you socially as a successful working adult.
    easy child was very nervous I would ban said friend. She was also unsure what to do about her own friendship. I told her so long as someone is a friend with such a long history, if they have been a decent person all along, dureing teen years, people can do some wild things. You have to guage the situation, see how much risk any friend might have put you in.....see how often anyone engages in dangrous situations, and sometimes you CAN be there and try to help a friend stay ON track, but- sometimes, you do have to cut loose and seperate. She had seriously difficulty realizing some of her lifelong friends were going their own ways now that they are teens. SHe wanted to rescue and save her friends who were straying into poor direction. I admire her loyalty. BUT I also told her a friend needs to show true love and not permit a friend to go to such bad choices. And sometimes friends just resist the help and guidance. when that happens, sometimes you have to let go. Teenhood IS a hard time becuz the kids ARE going to experiment with all kinds of things. (s e x drugs, smoking, drinking) MOST people do NOT learn from someone else telling them something. It is human nature to learn best by your own mistakes. SO we do need to be ready to accept a few mistakes here and there, and be there to help our teens find the correct balances in life. ANd yeah, lots of the dumb things are exactly becuz they are at that hard age. they are now becoming people makeing their own choices and faceing their own consequences yet they are still unsure, and can still get scared and can on occasion get in over their heads. And yeah, it is not just difficult child stuff. My goofy easy child got herself in over her own head, with her desire to have a job and work. She had some difficulty balanceing out work/school/recreation. I wanted to micromanage her, but, she learned better by haveing some little brushes with the problems this caused. When I decided she had gotten in deep enough, I sat down WITH her and helped her re-group. and I told her, yes, this is becuz you are a teen. Old enough to do things, but not yet old enough to do it totlally alone. Let me help. I tell my kids on their birthdays every year- being a year older means remembering to holler for help- asking for help when you need it is NOT a sign of immaturity, it is a sign you are smart enough to know you do not know everything.
  9. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    then I told easy child ok that was the one chance in your group- your friend used it up. ALL of you need to learn from it. ANd - LOL- YOU get to clean up your friends puke. It's one of the joys of friendship. Oh and easy child? if you try it NOW? for sure whether you drove or not, I WILL take keys away. and- I might ground you till you are 35 yrs old.
    The friend has not drank again according to all the kids.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    When Dude fired back at me one afternoon -

    "I'm not a baby anymore Mom you have to start treating me like a teenager, because LIKE IT OR NOT MOOOOOOOOOOM I'm growing up."

    I looked him dead in the eyes and said "How old are you again?"

    SIXTEEN.......he bellowed

    And i put out my hand and counted on it 17, 18, 19, 20......BINGO

    And he said WHAT? 20 WHAT?

    I said well then you won't be a teenager any more - and then I will expect you to behave like a TOTAL ADULT......b'cause.....YOU wont' be a teenager ANY MORE.

    With that he sucked his teeth, rolled his eyes and left the room - to which I yelled


    To that -I hear walking away -

    Mom - you wonder why I'm crazy. :full:
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    "I'm a teenager and this is how teenagers are SUPPOSED to act", "I'm a guy and guys look at porn" (after finding porn tube on my computer) and "I'm 18 and I can DO that". We've heard it all here. My response is usually along the lines of "You're acting more like a 3 year old and until you can act more like your age, you will be treated like a 3 year old." Not sure how well that would work for Kt given her various "age moods" though.

    Glad there is going to be an investigation. Sounds like the staff was definately being lax in their supervision. It makes me think of that one guy who called you to complain about the way Kt was acting and the things she was saying to him. Don't these people have a clue about these kids???
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I have to say that that is the one thing I don't hear from my kiddo.

    Now, don't you all go and give her any ideas....
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I haven't heard that recently...what I'm hearing now is...I'm moving out after senior checkout, and J and are getting married...swell...but I still have one more year of dealing with her...
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't get those actual words from easy child but I get the full blown typical teen attitude. I think when difficult child hits that age I may have to go into hiding for a few years!
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Somedays --------

    I would just like to throw myself on the floor, kick and scream - flail my arms and legs and a rather whiney voice ...

    "BUT I'M 43, AND MY TEENAGER WON'T LISTEN." :biting::angry-very:
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    As to the driving....highly unlikely in our household unless/until I see some type of miracle in the impulse control department.

    One of our PCAs commented to kt yesterday that she would be through adolescence by the time she hit 14. I looked at this young woman (all of 23) & asked her when 14 was the "cutoff" date for adolescence because there are many parents who hadn't been informed of that - many more young, very young teenagers.

    I was stunned by that statement. So when is the "official" end of adolescence? Isn't it pretty much an individual type of thing?

    Star.....go for the tantrum! Don't forget to film it & send me a copy. I'd love to see someone do this. Just once! Puleeeeez???????
  17. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Ummmmmmm star? timerlady? Ummm (my face is turning red,now) I have done just that......and then the kids have to help me get off the floor when I am done. LOL. No when we are out in public I do not do it on the floor, I just stand and do it, LOL. And usually my kids start to LOL so hard they stop doing whatever they were doing. I keep asking them if I embarrrass them when I do such things, but, I guess my kids just know that it does not matter if it does, becuz if I do that it usually means they were already embarrassing me?
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    :bigsmile:dreamer, next time you do this I want to see pictures!:cheerleader:

    by the way, I'd need help off the floor as well. Then I'd probably be transported to the nearest mental health facility. You know what? I'd be fine with that! :stopglass::rofl:
  19. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    well, I do not know who here would call mental health on me, becuz um....they would not LIKE it for me to not be here.....I threaten to go there often, and they beg me not to! LOL. Hey for me going there would be no different than staying home, considering the diagnosis'es in my it cannot be worse than being home, no way..especially becuz I do all the chores here, too, and there I would not have any to do.
    A few times they left me on the floor, I did not mind, the kitties and doggie came over wondering what silly me was doing there, and since I was on the floor, I couldn't make dinner or do laundry, so I simply cozied up with our critters. Didn't bother me any, LOL. (yes I am serious)
    I think the kids HAVE taken pics of me, BUT.....webtv will not get them up online...they tell me they are gonna show them to my friends, I keep asking how I have time for friends when I am so busy here with them, I tell them to show them to THEIR friends and confess that THEY caused me to behave that way.

    Truth is while I was SO ill myself? There was little I COULD do about much of anything- and after a while, I began to decide heck, might as well LOL, cuz crying won't help and yelling was not helping----(and it gave me a headache) so- I started to simply make jokes, or LOL or weird things--and I found that very often it did accomplish something positive. Go figure? AND somehow my kids DID begin to learn, I now can match any of my kids excuses, any of their tantrums..altho I usually am LOL so hard at the same time, and....laughter is contagious! And it has made my kids stop and think. Yelling just made them tune me out.