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Doubt and Guilt...Need a reality check
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 654210" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Wearymom, Just trying to follow along, it sounds like she knows about one court date and she doesn't know about the other one? </p><p></p><p>I so understand your worrying about this. You sound just like many of the thought processes I used to have. </p><p></p><p>A few thoughts:</p><p></p><p>1. It doesn't really matter how many warrants or court dates she has, or how many she misses. I used to think it did, because I was very worried about his "record." His record was very important to me. Little did I realize that once he broke the law (over and over again), all of this was completely out of my hands and his hands. Over time I came to feel that was a blessing, that he couldn't manipulate the police and the courts like he did everybody else, and so would "meet his match."</p><p></p><p>2. Drug-addicted kids and young adults only thing about one single thing: how to get more drugs. Anyway they can. I don't believe when they are using they can even fathom the consequences of what they are doing to themselves in the current time or to their own futures. And your best efforts won't change that. Remember: all she wants is drugs right now. </p><p></p><p>3. I reread your signature. Your daughter is moving fast in defying the rules of society. If you can...just let it be.</p><p></p><p>4. If you can't, there is no harm in letting her know about this court date. If that will bring you more peace, let her know and then work to...let it go.</p><p></p><p>My son has two felonies from selling drugs and multiple misdemeanors for theft, shoplifting, possession, public intoxication, driving infractions. He has been in jail 8 or 9 times (lost count). Over time, he sold everything he has. Last summer he was stabbed by his now-girlfriend. He wrecked his car and ruined it (even had mold in it). His clothes were in my attic and all he had was a backpack and what he could carry there. I understand ugliness and the mess they can make of things. </p><p></p><p>He is now almost 26 years old. His "record" is shot. He appears to be working to rebuild his life. He has a lot of messes to clean up. I believe cleaning up the messes he has made is part of his recovery and is part of his awareness that he never wants to be back there again. I do not want to interfere with that. </p><p></p><p>Right now, we are working hard to know when to help, and when not to help. I constantly tell myself: the journey back is for him to walk. </p><p></p><p>Of course, we want to help people who are truly working to change and who want to help themselves...first. But I know this: it took him years to get to the bottom, and it's going to take him years to move up from the bottom.</p><p></p><p>I have to let him walk that path himself. My interference, my "help" will only delay his recovery and true adulthood. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if this helps you in making a decision to contact her or not about this information. As I said before, I don't think it matters much either way. If you are torturing yourself over this, let her know. And then let it go. You did all you could. Detachment is a process and it will occur over time, if you work hard for it.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. We care. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 654210, member: 17542"] Wearymom, Just trying to follow along, it sounds like she knows about one court date and she doesn't know about the other one? I so understand your worrying about this. You sound just like many of the thought processes I used to have. A few thoughts: 1. It doesn't really matter how many warrants or court dates she has, or how many she misses. I used to think it did, because I was very worried about his "record." His record was very important to me. Little did I realize that once he broke the law (over and over again), all of this was completely out of my hands and his hands. Over time I came to feel that was a blessing, that he couldn't manipulate the police and the courts like he did everybody else, and so would "meet his match." 2. Drug-addicted kids and young adults only thing about one single thing: how to get more drugs. Anyway they can. I don't believe when they are using they can even fathom the consequences of what they are doing to themselves in the current time or to their own futures. And your best efforts won't change that. Remember: all she wants is drugs right now. 3. I reread your signature. Your daughter is moving fast in defying the rules of society. If you can...just let it be. 4. If you can't, there is no harm in letting her know about this court date. If that will bring you more peace, let her know and then work to...let it go. My son has two felonies from selling drugs and multiple misdemeanors for theft, shoplifting, possession, public intoxication, driving infractions. He has been in jail 8 or 9 times (lost count). Over time, he sold everything he has. Last summer he was stabbed by his now-girlfriend. He wrecked his car and ruined it (even had mold in it). His clothes were in my attic and all he had was a backpack and what he could carry there. I understand ugliness and the mess they can make of things. He is now almost 26 years old. His "record" is shot. He appears to be working to rebuild his life. He has a lot of messes to clean up. I believe cleaning up the messes he has made is part of his recovery and is part of his awareness that he never wants to be back there again. I do not want to interfere with that. Right now, we are working hard to know when to help, and when not to help. I constantly tell myself: the journey back is for him to walk. Of course, we want to help people who are truly working to change and who want to help themselves...first. But I know this: it took him years to get to the bottom, and it's going to take him years to move up from the bottom. I have to let him walk that path himself. My interference, my "help" will only delay his recovery and true adulthood. I don't know if this helps you in making a decision to contact her or not about this information. As I said before, I don't think it matters much either way. If you are torturing yourself over this, let her know. And then let it go. You did all you could. Detachment is a process and it will occur over time, if you work hard for it. We're here for you. We care. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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