Tina, we don't get Dr Phil episodes in the same sequence as you do, we might have to wait months or more.
But I've seen this topic dealt with on other programs, in books etc. Unfortunately, it's a common topic.
I wasn't molested in any serious way, but I was vulnerable. Long story, I won't go into it now.
As I read your first post, my initial reaction to your sister coming to you and asking, was that SHE had also been molested and had received the same reaction. I suspect she was hoping that having a second daughter molested would finally encourage your mother to throw him out.
Siblings sometimes compete with one another. Sometimes poor parenting actually encourages this. My best friend has one sister, no brothers. While there was no sexual abuse there was, like me, a lack of privacy and respect shown. My best friend was the younger sister, fat and put-down. The older girl was beautiful and valued for her looks. The older one would tattle on the younger one, to keep herself in favour. She at no time could risk her younger sister eclipsing her in any way.
Now they are older, the younger is overcoming the damage but the older one is now middle-aged and terrified of losing her looks. She is terrified of losing control in any part of her life and somewhere inside herself, she is lost. She is still that lost little girl who was never valued for herself, but who always had to put on a pretence of pleasantness, and was encouraged to undermine the only other person who could have been her ally. They are good friends now, but there are limits to what they can talk about.
And their mother - died a few months ago. But even though they repeatedly confronted her abut the years of emotional abuse, not only did she deny it each time she was told, she denied ever having heard them complain about it. She had become an expert in not letting any of that information ever sink in. If those girls had been sexually abused (and I'm not sure the older one wasn't) then she simply would not have seen; or of she had, she would have self-censored it out. because to accept it was to also accept a too unpleasant reality. She made a choice, and to have failed in her marriage (for which she had fought her parents long and hard) would be to admit to failure on too many levels. She was an emotionally and physically battered wife who used alcohol as a crutch and who jumped at the chance to leave him rot in hospital when he broke his hip. He was calling for her and she refused to see him. Eventually he was moved to a nursing home near where she had been placed and she finally relented and saw him over the couple of days he was dying. On the day of his funeral she played the grieving widow to the hilt, telling me in tragic tones how he had died in her arms (which had been her lifelong fantasy which she would trot out every time it was suggested to place him in a nursing home).
All memory of the black eyes, the broken ribs and everything her daughters had told her, was all gone. She had developed denial to a fine art, as her way of coping with the choices she had made in a life partner.
I'm not making excuses for her - but it is how some people adapt. It's not healthy but it is how it is. You can't reason with this. All you can do is walk away.
One of my oldest friends was married to a pedophile. With hindsight we can see what happened - he sought her out because she was a single mother with a young daughter. He worked from home, being much older and established in a home consultancy. They had so much in common, it seemed. He encouraged her to go back to uni and do further study - "I'll look after the kids, I'll be there when they get home from school."
He was molesting the girl from when he married the mother (the girl was about 6 at the time) to when she told him to stop, when she was 15. She threatened to confront her mother with it, he had been telling her all along that hr mother knew and condoned it.
The mother had NOT known. He had seemed such a loving father, plus he had convinced the little girl that this is normal although it must never be spoken about, it had been a thorough job of seduction. It took a lot to convince the girl that her mother had not known.
And then the ratbag convinced the mother that their marriage could still be saved; "If you hadn't been so busy studying, she would never have been able to tempt me," he told her. "You neglected me, I was lonely, I was weak, she is such a beautiful girl..."
I was a bit horrified when my friend said she had sent her children to live with a friend so she could work on trying to save her marriage; her husband had been unreceptive to her physically from the time the girl had said, "no more". I could see he was being a manipulative so-and-so (I want to use a stronger Aussie adjective but this site won't let me) but she couldn't, he had her totally brainwashed. Well, maybe not totally - she did send her daughter to safety.
Her daughter made it clear she would not enter the family home while he was still living there, so the mother would meet her in the town, in a cafe. The girl showed amazing forbearance and gave her mother time; she knew it wouldn't be long. The thing is, the mother really had not had a clue, even when she looked back. She could of course see how she had given him opportunity, but this guy was expert, he clearly was well experienced at being a successful predator. He continued to tell her it was her fault; he even told her he thought she knew and was OK with it. He even managed to convince her she was complicit, even though she had no recollection and clearly didn't condone it.
My friend then began to think - WAS it her? HAD she neglected him? When was THAT ever an excuse? But when he talked to her, it all made sense... but she had enough of her own sense to suddenly realise, "I've been taking students in at home for coaching!"
She also thought back to all the sleepovers her daughter had, and the friends of her daughter who were still visiting. She let the parents of her daughters friends know and found one girl who had recently run away from home; a girl who had been visiting. The girl was 14.
She needed him away from her so she could think clearly, she finally asked him to leave for a while, said they would need to start over and she would need time to learn to trust him again. Meanwhile they could go out on dates, try to rekindle the romance. It would only be for a short time, she told him. She even apologised to him for not paying enough attention to him!
My friend, now thinking more clearly, began to play detective. Because she was the breadwinner, she got the bills. Because he was now living elsewhere, she opened his bills too. "I never knew you could book motels by the hour," she told me. She compared notes with the parents of the other girl - it coincided with when he had called for this other girl, saying he was collecting her for a lesson with his wife. It didn't take long for this other family to totally cut off all contact with my friend - they blamed her for not seeing it.
My friend then got an expert to go over this bloke's computer. Kiddie porn everywhere. She said it was really bad stuff.
The final outcome - she made the split permanent. She was still enough under his spell to not press charges, plus her daughter was reluctant to be made to give evidence. he had stopped; that was enough for her. We have no statute of limitations here, they could reopen the case at any time. But they both felt they needed to move on.
He moved in with the other young girl, now 16. The parents were frantic. She no longer knows where he is, or cares. This was now over ten years ago. The last I heard about the daughter (last year) - she was doing amazingly well. She's been in therapy from the day she told her mother. I wish my friend had followed her there.
It IS possible for a loving, caring mother to not know. Most pedophiles are really good at convincing people they are good, they would never harm a child and they are REALLY good at making you think you are going crazy for even suspecting them.
I can look back and recall how he discouraged our friendship; he was always distant and cold with me. Her daughter and easy child were close, not not close enough for sleepovers (thank goodness) or for her to tell.
A mother who stays with the abuser at the expense of her child - I wonder how many of them are capable of making an independent decision.
My friend is a highly intelligent woman. But she was conned, thoroughly. And brainwashed.
Nobody is immune.
Marg
