Jane,
I absolutely believe you HAVE to give them tough love! No addict is gonna decide to get clean if they are kept comfortable. If you provide them with money, housing, and bail them out of trouble they won't hit bottom. And unfortunately you can't trust a word they say. Your not dealing w your 'son' anymore because when full blown addiction takes over that's not him anymore. I don't know your exact situation if your difficult child is a full blown, using everyday to not get sick addict, or someone who is partying way too much,being irresponsible and heading down a bad road. Honestly I think the full blown addict is more likely to get to the point of being so sick and tired of the misery that they finally surrender. If using is still " fun & exciting" to them it's gonna be almost impossible to change their mind. It's very unfortunate but I honestly believe wanting to change your life has to be a decision that the addict comes to on his own. All thru my teens my mom threatened, called cops, made me do rehabs and all that stuff, and not one thing made any impact at all because I was still in my " rockstar" phase. Don't get me wrong I felt guilty and bad that I was hurting her but her will couldn't change me. It wasn't until I was so bad off, overdosed 3 times, lost my car and possesions, had my son staying with my mom, that I wanted it to be over, and even then I couldn't stop. That was the scariest part really wanting with all my heart to stop and not be able to. So as far as tough love goes, definitely don't do anything that makes them comfortable or supports them financially. Now detachment on the other hand... I don't believe it's possible for a mom to really detach from their child no matter what they do. At the end when I was really bad my mom didn't give me money or rides or anything but she also didn't completely shut me out. We still spoke and I was still welcome to go to their home to see my kid and for holidays and stuff. Of course it usually ended up with us arguing but still I knew she loved me and was scared for me. I dont think it would help the addict if the parent like completely disowned them, I actually think that would give them another reason to use, it would reinforce all the terrible thoughts they already have about themselves. That day I finally surrenderd and checked myself into the psychiatric ward it was my mom I called, and she drove me and waited with me. I think a good saying to sum all that up is something they say all the time on Intervention, tell your difficult child there is nothing in the world I won't do to help you get better, but there is nothing I will do to help you stay.