Tania_port and carissa:
Sounds as if you are both dealing with exceptionally difficult situations. (Tania - by the way, I am not the author of The Explosive Child. That would be Dr. Ross Greene. My most recent book is What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You. While both books are about explosive children, they have very different viewpoints and approaches. Hopefully a careful reading of both will give you more techniques to use.)
I have seen many, many highly aggressive children at my office - the types of children who are quick to hit their parents, teachers, and other kids when they are displeased. Like most people in my profession, I am a believer in using the least restrictive technique. If talk works with your kid who hits, great. If it doesn't, but time out does, great. However, with most of the assaultive kids I have worked with, talk and time out and taking away toys was like pouring water on a duck. It rarely got their attention.
When dealing with children who are persistently assaultive and aggressive toward others, and who have not responded to other techniques, I am a believer in using aversive consequences. The idea behind this is age old. If you do something that you simply should not do, and the consequence of it is that something happens back that you really do not like, there is a lessened chance that you will do it again. Let me give you an example. I had a mom in my office whose 4 year-old son clocked her right in the face because he was mad at her about something (I forget what). She was very embarrassed by this, but said it happened often. I told her to put him in a basket wrap between her legs, and keep him there for 45 seconds. I indicated that even though he would scream like bloody murder, she was to remain calm and speak to him, saying that in about 45 seconds she would let him go, and once she let him go, he had to act like a big guy. I also had her warn him that if he hit her again, she would wrap him again. I cautioned her that you never tell a child that you will restrain them until they are "good." This is an invitation to a pitched battle. Letting him go in only 45 seconds ut the decision back in his hands. If he was good, he could avoid the wrap.
In this case, when she let him go he struck at her again. I had her do the entire procedure again, and had her tell him that she would continue to do this every time he hit her, or balled his fist up at her.
To make a long story short, it took about ten repetitions until her son realized that from now on out every time he hit, he would get wrapped. I had his mother explain to him clearly that she would indeed wrap him without any warning every time he attempted to hit her, or acted toward her in a highly aggressive manner. In his case there were no more occurrences at all of hitting for at least a week, and over the next month the occurrences became almost nil. What she also found was that once her son knew she would take control of him, she was able to use verbal warnings, time out, and positive reinforcement much more successfully. It was simply very important for her to establish the fact that she was the parent and he was the kid.
I have used this procedure many, many times over the years with kids whose parents have tried all of the other interventions, but nothing worked. I find that on the web some people have been outraged by it, while others see it as simple good old fashioned parenting. As long as a parent remains calm and in control of herself, or himself, it is physically harmless. The yelling and screaming that you will get from an assaultive child when you use this procedure illustrates just how outraged they are that you would actually take control of them. When used calmly and humanely, it can dramatically reduce assaultive behavior, and reduce it rapidly.
I will reiterate strongly, before you move to using an aversive procedure like this, you have to be sure that you have ruled out all other issues, and you should have tried a wide variety of techniques. I have had lots of success with what I describe as the "big kid program" in my book, and lots of parents who have hard to handle children tells me that it is quite successful.
Best regards, Doug Riley
