Drained and sad.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Brandi_Gordon, Jun 24, 2013.

  1. Hello all. I have an 18 year old daughter and she has always been a hand full and then some. She is verbally abusive, has punched me once, but mostly breaking things in anger around the house; then screams at me because I wont fix the things she broke in her room. These out bursts are almost daily now. The last one was because I inquired about where she was on setting up traffic school for a speeding ticket she received (she broke her closet doors because I would not do this for her). She has threaten suicide a few times to try to control the people in her life such as when her boyfriend try's to break up with her. She has hit her boyfriend, scratched him, tore his clothes several times. I have had her in counseling but she is so resistant in the sessions they are not productive. We have gone to counseling together, but when I show emotion she laughs at me and tells the counselor I am just trying to get attention. Her disrespectful behavior started around 14-15 and slowly escalated over the years. I have tried behavioral contracts, reasoning, grounding, taking her bed room door away when she slams it in my face or other wise, taking the phone, etc, etc, etc. Next on the list, I plan to call the Police the next time she hits me or damages my property, but that is the last thing I can do before putting her stuff on the front lawn and changing the locks. It is really getting to the point I can not live with her anymore. If engaging law enforcement doesn't work as a wake up call she will need to find other living arrangements. I am so scared of the road we are on. I am wondering if it comes to that are there social services that I can refer her to for temporary housing? If I did have to ask her to leave I would want to make sure she has a safe place to go. It makes me sick to my stomach just to write that, but I am not sure if anyone else would take her in.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Brandi. Welcome. I'm glad you found us. A couple of suggestions, if that is your real name, you may want to change it to something which will not identify you. And, if you want, please put a signature at the bottom of your posts, as you see we have, so we can easily recall who you are and what your story is, it's easier to support you that way.

    I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. It is very painful as a parent to not only watch your daughter act out in the way she is, but also to put up with abuse. Many of us here struggle with similar issues. You are not alone. You haven't mentioned if your daughter has any mental or emotional issues or if she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, all of which would make your daughter act out in the way she is. It's helpful for us to know that so we can better understand and try to offer you advice/support/empathy/suggestions.

    Since your daughter has now reached that magic age of adulthood, you have more options. First of all, you do not have to put up with that kind of disrespectful, violent, abusive behavior from her. What many of us have done, is to put a time limit on when you want her to adhere to certain guidelines, for instance, get a job, attend therapy and take any necessary medication, contribute to the household finances, do chores, exhibit respectful behavior, offer courtesy in terms of comings and goings and knowledge of that........pretty much anything you want and think is important. It is your house and you pay the bills, you have all the power. You offer a specific eviction date and what your expectations are, then if she doesn't adhere to those expectations, she will need to leave. Of course, if she is violent or abusive before that date, then you definitely need to call the police. You should NEVER permit abusive behavior.

    If she does not meet your criteria, then evict her. You will need to check in with what your state laws are about eviction, some states, like where I live require legal action even if it is your own child and this has been their home. Then there is a time limit given, perhaps 30-90 days, and then here in CA. a sheriff escorts the evicted party away from your property. If you believe she will not meet your expectations, then it may be prudent for you to begin the eviction process NOW, Let her know the date and if she doesn't leave, call the sheriff.

    This may all sound dramatic and weird, but here on this board we all know how devastatingly painful our kids behavior can make our lives. We understand the resentments, the angers, the sorrow, the depletion, the financial and emotional drain, the disappointments, the death of our dreams for them, the sense of failure, the guilt.................all of it. We also understand the powerlessness and lack of control we have over their choices. However, what we can do is insist on being treated respectfully, demand certain guidelines be adhered to and if those rules aren't met, we have the right, the authority and hopefully, eventually, the self preservation and self respect, to insist they move out. No one has to walk on eggshells in their own home, or deal with someone who is abusive, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, manipulative and cruel.

    In most towns there are shelters where your daughter can go. You can look online, call your local Social Services, do a little research. If she cannot meet your requirements for treating you in a decent way and be helpful and act respectfully, then you can hand her the options for housing, and let her know that by that end date, she will need a job or a room, or whatever, but that without behaving in a proper way, she will suffer the natural consequences. Let's face it, no one else would allow that behavior. She has to learn that life has consequences and we are all responsible for our actions. In the absence of that, stuff that you really don't want to happen, happens. She may learn from all of that, or she may not. I don't know if she has any diagnoses, but even if she does and refuses medication, you needn't be the whipping post for her bad behavior. She is holding you hostage in YOUR home with her bad behavior. Only YOU can stop it, she won't, it works for her. It doesn't work for you, so change it. We may be powerless to change or fix or control them, but we have the right to respond and react differently, so do that. Take your power back from this rude child and set strong unbreakable boundaries that take care of you and any others that may live in the household.............your house, your rules. She breaks them, she needs to know the consequence is that she loses the privilege of your generosity.

    This is hard, I know, like many here, I've walked in your shoes..............I can empathize. Keep posting, venting, it helps. Get yourself support in some manner, 12 step groups, if that fits, therapy, parent groups, find places to get your needs met, take care of YOU. You've been dealing with this for 4 years now, she is escalating, stop it now. We can get entrenched in their drama and watch our own lives slip away as we attempt to control theirs and fix it. We can't.

    Again, welcome and keep coming back, you're in the right place.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she is probably on drugs and has been for a long time. That changes them.

    I agree with RC.

    Take care of yourself. You can't control her, but you CAN take care of yourself.
  4. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    My son began drinking and using drugs around the age of 15. His personality changed right before my eyes. I was fortunate, since he was not violent. He is now 36 years old, and I have made the decision to detach. I will not communicate with him until he is in recovery. I am not hopeful that will ever happen. He was in jail for six and 1/2 years. He was on drugs and stole a car. After juvenile jail, he continued drinking. He held jobs for a few years, but has not worked in six and 1/2 years. He never decided to quit drinking and using. I have been dealing with his issues for over 20 years. I will deal with them no more, unless he is in recovery. He was in another state until last March. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know how bad it was until March.

    I am so sorry that your daughter has gone this path.