Drama in a small town......and difficult child 1's caught in it

[TeDo]

I've mentioned briefly before about difficult child 1 being friends with kids in the neighborhood, specifically this one family with 6 kids and lots of mental health diagnosis's (ADHD, Bipolar, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). Well, the kids have been gone for a couple weeks now because their parents have been brought up on charges (not sure what they are) for too many medical appointments for the kids. I knew they had pulled 4 of the 6 kids out of school (they've each tried 3 or 4 different ones) and were being homeschooled since April. One of the boys broke his leg and then rebroke it shortly after the cast came off (was on the trampoline with other kids and difficult child 1 landed on it when another kid pushed him). Looks like he might need surgery, according to mom who has taken him to many specialists. 4 of the kids have ADHD, one of which is also bipolar, and a different one has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I knew mom was gone a lot with various kids for doctor appts but never thought much of it...I mean 6 kids with issues. She is also the mom that got me questioning if difficult child 1 could be bipolar (her "observation") and recommended a psychiatrist 2.5 hours away who is "terrific".

Anyway, I got an update from a mutual friend. Seems the mom is suspected of Munchausen by Proxy and the kids have been sent to stay with their Grandma 2.5 hours away. Mom is to have no contact with the kids for 2 weeks to 6 months (details are fuzzy). difficult child 1 is hearing the kids' side which is that their mom only takes them to the doctor when she has a good reason. Personally, I have thought for awhile that something was "off" about this woman and the dad goes along with whatever she says. I would never have thought of Munchausen but she is definitely somewhat grandiose.

Add to this whole saga, those parents are "foster parenting" a kid difficult child 1's age (another friend of difficult child 1's). It is a private arrangement between them and the boy's mom. J's mom moved her family (J, his 2 sisters and 1 brother) here from California to marry a man she met online. Their father accidentally shot himself not too long ago while cleaning his gun when drunk (according to J). Brother now has his own apartment, girls live with mom and husband, and J is living with this couple that have just temporarily lost custody of their own children. Now, J's mom is planning on taking the girls to Colorado because husband's medications are causing him to abuse her and she's afraid of what he'll do to the girls. She wants them somewhere safe when she tells him she wants a divorce. No clue what her plans (of there are any) are for J.

How's that for small town drama (nothing this exciting has happened in a loooooong time). I do wonder how to explain things to difficult child 1 when he gets "on his soapbox" about what's "happening TO" his friends. He really doesn't understand the reality of what is going on and what the repercussions might me. I have no idea what to tell him, when to tell him anything, and how to explain it. He really is gullible to what they all tell him and I don't know that he would believe me anyway.

 

[buddy]

I bet lots of parents with kids who are not easy to diagnosis (difficult child's) could get that suspicion ...look how your sw didn't think difficult child 1 really had Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)! but if she is herself a difficult child, maybe she needs some support? Well they will see if there is a difference in health when they are with grandma...if they are wild they may have tons more injuries...

Bet the neighborhood is quieter right now........... I can't even imagine two!

 

[InsaneCdn]

One of the boys broke his leg and then rebroke it shortly after the cast came off (was on the trampoline with other kids and difficult child 1 landed on it when another kid pushed him).

Obviously, SOME of what is going on, is normal, like this re-break... there's no way she's programmed YOUR kid to do this stuff for her.

Until all the details come out - if they ever do - there is no way to know if this is a mom with a problem, or a non-supportive system. We've all seen enough to know it could be either.

 

[Liahona]

Since you don't know what is actually going on and won't be able to convince difficult child anyways I wouldn't even try to argue with him about it. I would try to help him process his emotions over what he is being told. Focus on him and how its affecting him.

I get worried about being accused of this. X already thinks I'm making difficult child 1's symptoms all up anyway. How would someone from outside know the difference? They think this because she took them to the dr and homeschools? Scary.

 

[TeDo]

I think it's because she's taken all of them to soooo many different doctors in the past 4 months. All of a sudden she is gone all the time with 1-3 kids for a doctor's appointment 2.5 - 3 hours from home. It got to where she was barely ever home. I'm not sure what is actually going on but this mutual friend was also one of the fill-in pca's hired by the county to help with 4 of the 6 kids. They have more support coming and going that the kids are hardly ever there because they're always gone with the pca's. Like I said, I don't know for sure but she has more services for the kids with just ADHD than I could ever dream of (difficult child 1 was never given or even offered these services).

 

[keista]

Well, it's entirely possible that the kids are difficult children and need services, but she's doing/not doing stuff that makes them need more. I know a woman that we suspect of doing that. No proof though.

 

[SuZir]

This kind of situations are always really difficult to judge. I'm glad I'm not working for CPS.

I do believe that these things happen more than we think. There are lots of people out there, who are attention seekers or who want to show off. And kids can be very convenient way to do so. Most are harmless, they dress their kids really nicely and make a blog out of it or they brag to other parents on the playground how specially talented their kid is. Or tell everyone and their friend, how hard it is, when their kid has ear infections. I think most parents do something like that at times in small scale. With some the scale is bigger and it can get very annoying. I think I annoyed heck out of many people when my easy child was a baby and I found the Holy Grail of childrearing and having a happy and perfect baby (attachment parenting and all the other tree-hugging things.) Turned out I just happened to have happy and easy second baby after high-strung first born, but I did believe it was all me at that time.

Then there are those, who push their kids too much to be able to show off. Some sport and music parents, those who really (I mean, of course we all would like it, but...) want straight A student etc. But some kids are not able to perform to that level and parent has to find the other way to show off. And to be honest, being a warrior mother can give you that chance. When my difficult child was younger I was a member of local message board for parents of difficult children and over the years there were few posters that started to give out vibes that for them, being a warrior mom was much more about them being a warrior mom than about their kids. I hope it was just something they did on that message board, to get attention and encouragement there and that it didn't have much to do with how they really handled their kids, but of course i have no way to know that. And I could be wrong all together, I can't know that either. But i do believe, that it is something that happens also in in real life and probably more than we could think.

You certainly tend to get attention and drama into your life, when you have a difficult child child. Most of us would happily go without that attention, but there are many difficult child moms and dads out there, who love that kind of drama and attention. And to be honest, it is easy to stir up with claiming your child is a difficult child. Many diagnoses are heavily based on what parent tell about their kids. In these kind of forums we tend to use many ego stroking phrases like how mommy gut knows the best or how awesome warrior parents we are. Those things are of course not always true, we don't always know the best and we are perfectly capable of screwing up but we do need that kind of encouragement at times anyway. But for some, those things may be quite unhealthy hubris. If it stays on message boards, no harm done, I guess, but I'm afraid that there are always some to whom it translates their actual lives and can get out of hand.

 

[DDD]

Frankly if I were in your shoes I would not have a big discussion about possibilities. Likely I would simply say your friends are going to go visit relatives for awhile. If questions come up about the Mom I would add "being a Mom to so many children can be very stressful and she will have a rest while they are gone". I think any more conversation would just be too much information. DDD

 

[buddy]

You certainly tend to get attention and drama into your life, when you have a difficult child child. Most of us would happily go without that attention,

Boy did you say a mouthful! Would love to live on an isolated farm....