Dreading Christmas

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mumfromdownunder, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. mumfromdownunder

    mumfromdownunder New Member

    Hi everyone and Merry Christmas,
    I decided to text my son on Sunday after he had called multiple times last week (from his new mobile number) I do not pick up when he calls, as I just cannot deal with the drama anymore - I have not been in contact with him for a few months (about the time I posted my last thread) , the text I received back from him was as follows:.... I was gonna ask for money for Christmas or something hell in debt with Phone company!...
    I knew he would be asking for something seeing as Christmas is just around the corner. I explained to him that If he sent me a copy of his bill I would put some money towards it as a part of his Christmas Present. He did forward the bill to me, but then asked for money instead. I replied to him again, saying that I would put money toward the bill but I would not give him cash (he said he wanted cash because he was bored!,). Because I said No, it did not go down very well and the same old barrage of texts (when he doesn't get what he wants from me) began again. after a couple of hours of this (including 39 missed calls) I had had enough and turned my phone of completely for 2 days and had 2 days off work (mentally exhausted).
    I just cannot deal with this heartbreak and pain anymore - he says he is no longer on drugs and hardly smokes anymore?? ( I feel like the only way to keep my sanity sometimes is not see him or talk to him), Christmas is ruined every year because of the "situation". I don't really want to see him this Christmas (first time ever), is that bad/awful of me? Am I doing the right thing? Detatching with love I am sure is harder for the parents (so sad). Apologies as i am rambling but, I have had enough i am a nervous wreck but still trying to have some sort of Christmas spirit for my younger son (this is not working).
    thank you for listening
     
  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hello Mum. So hard during the holidays isn't it? Sadly, so hard every day too.
    This is much like our son-we've said "you can't be nice to him or he starts in". So his calls/texts are blocked. We simply can't take his drama anymore.
    You made a generous offer to help with phone bill-that's what he said he needed...and then he wants money???
    We attended alanon for 6 mo. few years ago-The strongest line I remember is "if their lips are moving, they are lying" coming from an experienced Dad present that day. Sadly, this is true of my alcoholic/addicted son. I believe virtually nothing he says anymore. I used to think he "forgot, was mistaken" etc. until I finally saw the pattern of deceit. I was/am blind about him. It seems to me a simple manipulation for your son to show you a phone bill (ie. he just wants to do the right thing and pay his bill), then ask for cash instead.
    They all have learned from the same playbook.
    I find it so much easier now to just not believe a word. That said, we do call with "how are you doing?" every few weeks and then are grateful he's alive but get off phone quickly if drama begins. We will take him out to shop at Christmas for a rug that can't be returned to cover nasty floor of apartment he shares....
    We never thought for a minute that we'd live like this...I'm sure you didn't either. From my heart to yours..blessings today.
     
  3. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Hi MumFDU

    I’m sorry your son tried to work you again. And that it took only one call after you unblocked him.

    Too bad they dont have Difficult Child phone plans that charge by the text character and attempted call. With an added penalty for begging and abusiveness. Direct debited from their drug fund

    Re Christmas. I hear you. The holidays ironically place a focus on how messed up our relationships are.

    I think we need to reclaim the holidays from Hallmark families. They supposedly have perfect lives and healthy adult children. They shouldn’t get to defIne Christmas too — what it means for normal people with dysfunctional Scroogey family members and disabled Tiny Tim kids.

    I’m going to be my own Santa and try to deliver Christmas joy to myself. One of my friends with a Difficult Child and family of origin issues, went to Hawaii with her Jewish friends. Another is taking her son for a pass from treatment for a little trip instead of home for the typical awkward family functions.

    We can redefine it any way we want. I think I might make ornaments for my son to put on his own Christmas tree someday, when he might be in a better place. I would enjoy that project and that thought inspiring it.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So ready to live gave you great advice, although sad. My daughter who quit told me the same thing. "Drug addicts lie. That's what they do." Although your son may have been behind on the phone bill, what he probably wanted was cash for drugs. I always believed it when my daughter stared at me with her beautiful,soft eyes and told me she no longer used drugs. Was I a fool much?

    After she truly quit, she admitted that she said that just to see if she could get use of the car back or money for drugs. Since we believed her, although she never did get car privledge back (she had wrecked our van and never even tried to help with damages) we did feel safe giving her money. Which she used for drugs and soon we always found out she had been lying.

    A good rule of thumb is no cash or anything they can sell for cash. He is bored? Get a job. Jeeez. More likely he wants to buy drugs.

    Your offer was generous. Don't back down. For his sake. He doesn't need your easy help to buy drugs. It should be HARD for him to get money for drugs. Hard enough so that he will hopefully be motivated to quit.

    Is he acting very different, like he quit? Is he living a mature and sane life with a job? Is he nice to you? People change A LOT once they quit. You can't miss it. You don't have to wonder if they turned it around.

    Don't let Son ruin your Christmas or life. Put him back on block, if necessary. He is probably going to make the most of Christmas and try to collect as much as he can from the entire family.

    You deserve a peaceful holiday.
     
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  5. mumfromdownunder

    mumfromdownunder New Member

    Thank you everyone so much. You all make so much sense and give wonderful advice, I really needed to hear it. Waking up this morning and reading your comments has really helped me, I think I am going to have a better day today :) I cant thank you enough.
     
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  6. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Mum
    It was very generous to offer to pay for his phone bill. I'm sorry you are on this path with us.

    Merry Christmas. You are not alone.
     
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    We are facing our own Awful Christmas. My heart is with yours. I suspect more families go through this than we will ever know. We are going to try to redefine the holidays. Our family as we knew it is gone. In the end this will be a good thing but the growing pains are terrible.
     
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