Dropped son off at hospital this morning

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Posted in 2012 but am back again this week. 20 year old son has been on a binge for two weeks.
    This has been ongoing for almost five years on and off. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression but can stay sober for several months then goes off the deep seemingly when he gets a job/money which for my husband a job is the fix for everything. But I get it.

    Long story short, he graduated high school by the skin of his teeth at an alternative school because he got kicked out of high school sophomore year for selling pot (small amount in bathroom). Due to anxiety he would not talk so they saw him as uncooperative and he was kicked out sophomore year. He later told me he was terrified and that is why he did not talk and I believe him.

    He has been doing nothing much for 2 years since he graduated. Few friends. Was in detox in July for abusing benzos. They recommended in patient rehab but he did not want to go (has been twice - once at 15 and once at 17 for weed, etc.). He went to their outpatient program but did not complete it successfully. Did not take it seriously. Has been on Efexxor ever since and says it helps.

    He signed up for a few classes at the local college and the night I took him to do so he was drunk. I don't know why I just didn't go home but kept pressing forward. Just want to be "normal" family. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and has been on binge when school is to start. OMG seriously? He is getting A's in both classes though which is hard to believe.

    After reading posts here and getting strength from you ladies (thank you) last night we gave him a "contract" on the rules of the house or else he has to leave. No drugs, no being high etc. He was high but did sign it. Again probably a joke to him. I was livid. Why do I let it get me angry? So bad for my health.

    This morning he was up at 5am so I told him I'd take him to Gateway (inpatient rehab). He didn't comment. He then texted me asking if he could go to detox again (OMG we are still paying last bill) because he has been taking Vicoden. OMG seriously?? He said he got them from some kid that broke his leg; gave him whole prescription. Who knows. We had decided we weren't going to pay for rehab again but we are at our wits end and want him out of the house. Then think sober living. Want to get our money back for the classes I think. He insists he is finishing but I told him he chose the drugs over school but I hate saying that!!!

    He then asked if he could just go to the hospital and "get evaluated" and he'd walk home so I took him. I told him I don't think he needs detox and should just go to in patient rehab but he said he wants to see what they say. He thinks he's staying there a few days and coming home but he'll just keep this vicious cycle going. I'd gladly spend the money if it HELPS but I feel he thinks this is some type of game.

    When I dropped him off I watched to see if he went in and he did not so I turned around and asked him what he was doing. He was going to smoke a cigarette butt he found on the ground first. That is so disgusting. What if that person has some disease? He is a total germaphobe normally.

    I'm trying to "take care of myself". My husband and I just held each other in bed before we got up today. He is very angry and want this to be over and just not one to show his emotions. Just drained. Not sure what the right thing to do is. If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear it. I shortened our story dramatically naturally but you guys get it.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Boy do I get it. This is my suspicious nature when it comes to our kids, but he probably did not go in or if he did he turned around and came right out. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I just did what I felt right at the time. It came to the point that I could no longer live with doing nothing.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Get off work soon and don't want to go home. He is texting me saying we ruined everything, we don't get it and we are old. I found out HE has to drop classes not us. He wants to keep taking them even though we told him he needs treatment. I have an appointment to take him Monday at 2pm. They have a bed for him. Not sure how tonight is going to go. He blames us for everything and I know that's the norm when they are like this. Husband and I are going out for a bit just to get our heads on straight. Husband says this is it, no more chances. He has been high for almost 3 weeks since school started and my "rules" for him all broken already. God give me strength!!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN after our daughter got suspended from the state university we enrolled her in the community college. Big mistake. She immediately hooked up with other pot smokers and never went to class. Why didn't I learn my lesson the first time? I also learned she had to drop the classes, I couldn't do it, even though I was the one who paid for it. That was five years ago and if she ever wants to go to school in the future it is on her.
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    RN- I am wondering if you should tell him to find his own way to rehab. He was disrespectful to you on the phone, blaming you, telling you that you ruined his life, etc. He has consistently broke the rules for three weeks. If he truly wants to go- he will figure out a way to get there.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh the "old" thing. Yup, that's a good way to get what you want... Of course you did not ruin everything, you do get it and he is young and irresponsible.
    Yes the blame game, I am glad you have your wits about that. Do not fall for that one.
    If your son was in detox three times now....didn't take the last bout seriously, I wonder about his motivation to go now? Will he do it just to placate you folks to keep him in the house, or will he go because he seriously wants change? I think that is something important to consider.
    I hope you and husband are able to come to consensus as to what steps to take. A lot is up to your son and what he really and truly wants for himself. The old saying " You can lead a horse to water but you can't make um drink......"
    There is plenty for you to think about. Keep posting RN and let us know how things are going. I will be thinking of you, hoping for the best and praying that God gives you the strength to remain strong in the storm of this.
    You are here, and we all are holding your hand.

  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    What a day yesterday. My son did not go to get evaluation like he said but instead went to the ER and told them his kidney hurt. He had kidney surgery a few years ago to reroute a channel and in the past few years if he drinks too much alcohol it flares up. I think he went to get pain medications. Anyway he used our credit card number at two pharmacies and a gas station. Not sure how that works but we canceled card.

    When I got home he was asleep but I went in his room and took a large can of beer (still cold) and I saw a prescription pill container that I grabbed that had a small bag of weed in it. He woke up and took the pills from my hand but I could not see if they were his prescription Efexor or something else - didn't have glasses on. I did destroy the weed and beer.

    He has an active bench warrant for missing a court date in August for texting threats to old girlfriend - he was drunk and she is also another story. We called police to come get him because then I figured we could destroy pills and they said there is NO warrant! I am in shock since they called me twice in past month for him to come in and reschedule court date to get rid of warrant. Husband called and they couldn't find it and even called him back and said NOPE. I do see it on line as inactive but active in another area of web site. Better to let sleeping dogs lie though I think.

    Ironbutterly yes I hear you but we want him out of the house so were offering this to him and then planned to send him on to sober living or something like that so he can work on himself. Last two times he went to rehab he was 15 and then 17 so now he is 20 so now he is truly an adult so we are hoping this time he'll be more receptive. I jumped on rehab at 15 when he was smoking weed but hindsight I think he was way too young. He (and his family as you know) have been struggling with addiction for almost 5 years.

    Thank you for your words of wisdom and support New Leaf.

    As I believe I read on here nothing changes if nothing changes. We are trying so hard to make it stick this time for US and he has to work on himself. I think of a 70 year old couple that has there 35 year old alcoholic son living with them that I met in AA meeting. They were spending all their money on his legal fees and he was still very much an alcoholic. I don't want to be those people.
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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi RN, I am sorry for your hard day yesterday, and for all of the stuff leading up to this. It is true, nothing changes if nothing changes.......
    20 is so young, but an adult in the eyes of the law. I can see your concern about making him leave the house, as you have said, he has no place to go. The hard part of all of this is that while in our homes, our d cs use this as an easy route to continue as is. It is a rock and a hard place.
    But, one way to look at it, is that by housing our addicted children, we are basically funding their habit.
    They do not have the responsibility of taking care of themselves.
    They use this as a license to do what they want.
    What they want, is to get high.
    RN, please don't get me wrong, but when we give kids these ultimatums, if we don't act on them, then things just get worse. It will be a joke to him. He will take advantage of you. It happened to me. Unfortunately, when our d cs are in the throes of addiction, drugs become #1, everything and everybody becomes secondary.
    This is theft. Fraud. You can press charges. You have the prescription container and it is traceable to him. It sounds drastic, but I am saying this because it seems you are willing to have him picked up on the outstanding warrant.
    I will tell you that I have often seen jail as a means for my two to wake up. Wished they would go to jail. What kind of mother wishes that?
    A mother of drug addicts..........me.

    If you do not go this route and son is still living with you, make sure you lock all of your valuables up, and watch your mail, because these kids can get credit card numbers off of statements. No one ever imagines their own, stealing from them, but it happens to the nth degree. I had a few treasured heirloom rings stolen. They were not of much monetary value, but were in my family for generations. It was heartbreaking to know that one of my children did this, pawned them, for drugs.
    My husband had a 25 year collection of found rings and jewelry, gone, we came home to the little safe they were in, pried open.
    Of course "No one did it". "We must have been robbed....."

    We were, by our children.

    Mom gave me a gold pocket watch from my great great grandfather, I returned it to her, because I did not want the same to happen.
    My two have broken into my home.
    I have come home from work to find meth addicts in my back yard.
    This is all very frightening.
    This is what can happen when our addicted d cs live with us.

    I am sorry RN, it is all so difficult. It is hurtful and distressing and damages our hearts and health. I know most of your concerns are due to your sons mental health issues, but other moms will tell you that even adult children with these issues are responsible for their choices and have got to learn how to walk a better path. Most of our kids, mh issues or not, will not get better in our homes.

    It is a failure to launch.

    If your son has no where else to go, there are options for him out there. Shelters, Salvation Army rehabs. It is not what we imagine for our kids, but if they will not follow house rules, tow the line, then what else can we do? It becomes a matter of our own safety and self respect. The kids continue on this path of self destruction and disrespect in our homes.

    We are the only ones who can stand up and say "No more, this will not happen in my home."
    Parents will tell you that things began to change, when they did this.

    What begins to change is that we get our lives back.

    Whether or not the kids change, is completely up to them.

    We have no control over their lives and their choices.

    This is a lot to think on RN. I know it is very, very hard. You are here now, reading and posting. Keep that up, it is so helpful to know we are not alone in this.

    Change comes one small step at a time.

    I am glad you have your husband to help you walk through all of this. Hold on to one another and keep communication open. Go to meetings, al anon or nar anon. I went to a counselor to help get my head on straight.

    Work on you, educate yourself about addiction. I am sure you already have done this, considering it has been five years.

    The choices you make on how you will deal with this are your own. We are not experts here. Just moms and dads who have walked similar journeys, at different places on the path. Use the advice that works for you. Know that we all are sharing our stories, not only because we care, but also because it helps us as well........

    I am wishing you strength. I know you are in a very tough place right now. Take things slow and think things through. Take time for yourself, you have value and you matter.

    Most of all know that you are not alone.

  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thank you so much Leafy. I appreciate the time you took and your thoughtful and wise words. Your response brought me to tears but it helps me gain strength and knowledge and I that is something that I need right now.

    I know I know but I do not want him to have a felony so I am hesitant to report what he has done but I certainly can use it as a way to get him to go to rehab - letting him know that we can report it. He is terrified of getting a felony so I could use that to my advantage.

    I am very fortunate to have this board and good friends that are very supportive. I may go back to counseling too. I was also on an antidepressant many years ago when this all hit us (like being hit by a train) and not even knowing what was going on but really am so much stronger now but have a long way to go.

    In the past I never would have thought of sending him to a shelter or sober living (after rehab) but now I am ready. My husband is very strong (German) and says he wants his life back. The only thing I have asked of him is to show love rather than anger. And it is SO HARD for men sometimes. We are both so so angry and disappointed. Our son is so smart and so handsome and loving (like most of our kids) and it's just hard to get it when they have so much going for them.

    Maybe it's good that it's coming to a head. I don't know. I told my husband last night that sometimes great things come out of horrible things. I don't know if I read that or made it up but it's a hopeful statement when you are at your lowest.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I totally understand you not wanting your son to have a record. I hope that this fear he has will work to his advantage and create a turning point for him.
    Prayers said and fingers and toes crossed.
    It is hard when it comes to this point. We want the best for our kids, their futures.

    They have to want this too, and work for it. If it does come to having your son leave your home, know that you have done your best to raise him. All of the values you have taught him are still in there.

    The rest really is up to your son, our d cs.
    The sooner they live and learn the consequences of their actions, the better chance for change.
    It is like being hit by a train isn't it? Then it drags on......I am glad you are here RN, when I found CD five months ago, it really helped me sort through things. It is wonderful also to have supportive friends.
    I have miles to go, too, still working on a lot......I know it is important to continue to do a reality check on myself, as well as make sure I am progressing with my own feelings and lifestyle choices. This really is the hardest thing to deal with when our kids go off the rails. Learning to separate ourselves from the drama and chaos and live our own purpose and meaning takes work. It takes a shift of focus, realizing we cannot control what our d cs are choosing.
    Sometimes I have felt like my two were pushing the limits with me so I would give them the boot. It was as if they were saying "What are you going to do about this.....?"
    It is all very disappointing. We just did not imagine this for our children, and here we are, all dealing with it. Ugh. We love someone who is out of control and we end up taking on the responsibility for actions and bad choices more than they do. Things get topsy turvy and haywire. We know we have to do something, but are afraid what may happen to them if we get tough.
    What I realize now, looking back on years of back and forth, in and out, the more I helped my kids, the deeper they delved into addiction. I wish I had stayed firm back then, because I feel that by trying to help all of those years, I just prolonged the problem.
    Yes, sometimes great things come out of horrible things. The horrible things that happened in my home made me go to therapy.
    When I went to the counselor and told her my woes, she looked at me and said "You are an enabler." The words stung. I felt labeled. But it was true. Parents are enablers. We love our kids and we are desperate to find answers and to prevent the worst from happening. In reality, the worst is already happening when our d cs become addicted.
    Here is an interesting thing I read about what happens to an enabled person.
    "The enabled person becomes stuck in a role in which he or she feels incompetent, incapable, disempowered, dependent, and ineffectual. He or she may gradually accept a self concept that includes these negative traits, destroying self-esteem." http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134

    This makes sense to me. By over helping our kids we are pretty much telling them "You cannot do this on your own." We are acheiving the opposite of what we want, we want them to be independent and self sufficient.

    Wouldn't that be great? Our d cs independent and self sufficient. It's Friday and I am going to have a glass of wine tonight and toast to that.

    You take care RN. Make sure to take time for yourself to release the stress and anxiety of all of this.
    Keep on posting, we are here for you.

  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi RN. Welcome back. I am sorry that you find yourself getting in deeper and deeper and understand how draining, frightening and discouraging this must be.

    I would worry that your son has a problem with more serious opiates, such as heroin. Abuse of prescription drugs are often a gateway to more serious opiate dependence and can be used on an interim basis if opiates are temporarily unavailable.

    Has he been drug tested recently? The college and the classes are the least of it.

    I agree with New Leaf. There are residential programs that are free such as Synanon or Victory Outreach. These types of programs understand addiction and understand addicts. Mothers and fathers cannot deal effectively with an addicted child. To try wreaks havoc in the family. You are over your heads. If you are here in the States any county mental health department should have as part of it a drug and alcohol clinic. There is also Narcotics Anonymous groups, and Al-Anon for family members. There should be groups this weekend. If it were me, I would go to Al-Anon.

    I agree with your husband. You need your lives back.

    You cannot be used as a pawn by him which is what it sounds like now. I am not saying he is doing this deliberately. He may be desperate and is flailing around, and you have been caught up.

    But that does not make it good for either you or for him.

    I am inclined to agree with Ironbutterfly, to leave his drug treatment up to him. You have already seen that if he does not take it seriously it will have no good effect. "You can lead a horse to water. You cannot make him drink."

    I agree with you. That he sign a contract, while loaded is indeed a joke. I think the commitment that is the one that is needed right now, is between you and yourself.

    If he is abusing drugs in your home, this cannot be allowed. If you know he is high, can he really stay? If by allowing him to stay, is it not to some extent condoning it? While you may not intend that, could he not infer it?

    I know how hard this is. Because all of the alternatives to us seem like their exercise risks making an already horrible situation worse.There are no good options, but continuing as it is may be the worst. So I underscore your decision to put a halt to this. It is deciding how and when.

    The circumstances already seem disastrous because of his engagement with authorities for behaviors while drunk. Even though there may not have been legal consequences, there should have been. This has reached crisis proportions. You know this. Your son must feel it. I think, too, it is time for him to leave.

    I may have missed it, but how does he get his money?

    In close, I am thinking about a program that I know about. They accept people of any faith but the program is run by a Rabbi and his wife who is a social worker. It is in LA. I tell you about it because I am sure there are other programs like it. They also do not require payment, if there are no funds. I wanted my son to go but he would not. When I called they said admission could be accomplished within a couple of weeks, if my son seemed suited to it. The Rabbi was a felon. He had been imprisoned multiple times. He was a hopeless case. It is called Beit Tshuvah. I know about it from my attorney who is very prominent in LA. I wonder if it would give you hope to read about them.

    There is hope. It is just that we are mere mothers. Our job is to nurture, not to solve intractable problems that involve the will of a grown adult to change himself.
    But there are people who can and do help.

    I am a Jewish person who is not religious. I am sure there are faith-based programs of other faiths that I do not know about. But I do believe, personally, that faith is something that we do need. Addiction can be viewed as a spiritual issue, and recovery a spiritual process as well.

    Keep posting. We are here for you. I am glad you are here with us. Keep us posted. Do not forget taking care of yourselves. And each other, your D H and yourself.