Drug addict daughter

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mleathe250, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. Mleathe250

    Mleathe250 New Member

    New here, but could use some advice on drug addict 32 year old daughter. My wife and I raise her 2 children. She left them supposedly to get clean and was gone for a year. Been in and out of jail for shoplifting with the latest incident involving more jail time. About 6 months ago she did some identity theft to us and several others. We were letting her see the kids here only, but now she has taken things a step further by stealing some of our jewelry along with my mom's. I don't want her around here anymore nor does my wife. My question is do we let her kids see her knowing she is not a good influence on them or keep them from her? They are 8 and 9 and know some of what she has done just not the latest. Debating on telling them about that as well. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Are there any legal arrangements? If not, could she just come and legally remove the children from you if you don't let her see the children?

    Have you ever contacted an attorney or social services to see if you can gain legal guardianship?

    If you don't want to go this route, meet her in a park or a public place and not your home.

  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Good advise KSM.
  4. Mleathe250

    Mleathe250 New Member

    Their Dad is still in the picture and has primary custody, but has no means to care for them and is content to let us raise them. He signs an educational power of attorney every year so we can make the decisions on the education. The answer to your question is yes. She has visitation rights and could bring the police and take them. She hasn't done it yet. We have thought about getting custody, but are concerned that their dad will change his tune if we did that pull them to his not so very nice house.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. That is a tough one that I don't have any experience with but I am sure others will be along with advice. I think that ksm had a good idea to meet her somewhere and let her have supervised visits with the children.

  6. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I don't have any experience with this either but my question is do the kids want to see her? If they do I definitely wouldn't take that from them. Kids usually love their parents and want to see them no matter what especially at that age. When they get older it may be different and those are consequences that she will have to face. I agree with not allowing her in your home especially if she's stealing from you. The public place sounds like a good idea. Maybe you could get the dad to help you get it legally in writing where her visitation is on a certain day in a public place supervised. Sounds like you may need to contact an attorney, I would fill the dad in and get him on board. I'm also very sorry that you're having these troubles. Weekends are slow and others will be along who may have experience with this.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We had similar issues with our girls mom...but I don't think she stole from us. She is now in jail in another state for armed robbery, $250,000.00 bond.

    At least we won't worry about her moving back until both girls are legal adults.

  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Hi and welcome,

    I may be able to help you with this.

    My backstory, if you look at my signature, is that I am raising y sister's kids. She is a heroin addict. I currently ave legal custody of them, we are in the process of severing her and their father's parental rights so that we can legally adopt.

    My sister has been in and out of jail, all shoplifting, she is now in prison doing a 5 year sentence for parole/probation violations and, of course, more shoplifting.

    So, when the youngest was born she was born addicted and DYFS stepped in. At the time the boys were in the custody of their maternal great grandmother. Yes, baby daddy's grandmother. She told the state that she couldn't do it. That 2 young boys were hard enough she could manage and infant, especially one who may have special needs.

    When we took custody of the baby we sat down with GGM and explained to her that we would like to keep the children together (because I have my own issues having been separated from my sister in childhood) and would she consider allowing us to have custody of them.

    She is a good lady, but she is old. These are young, active boys. She agreed and we assured her that we would make sure that she could and would see them whenever she wanted.

    Also, after my niece was born, there was a period of time where we allowed my sister to see the kids. Because she wasn't welcome at my house (stole from me) we did the "meet someplace" thing. We had problems with that. If she showed, she was late. If she showed we were never sure what we were going to get. Normal, overly dramatic and weepy, angry, or so stoned she barely noticed you were in the room. We began to see some mood problems in the oldest after seeing her so we stopped it. The rule now is that she has to be sober, and I mean in active recovery, meeting, sponsor, home group, drug free, for a year before she can see the kids again.

    So here is a bit of advice from someone that has been there done that. Hopefully you aren't bored with me yet.

    1) Talk to their dad. From your post I am assuming that the kids live with you. He may have no issue making custody legal if you assure him access to his kids.

    2) Consult and attorney who specializes in family law. It was easier for us because the kids were removed from their custody and the father is gone with the wind and my sister is in prison.

    You daughter is a addict which can be easily documented through her long legal history. If she makes an issue of calling the police (which I doubt because she probably doesn't have a great relationship with law enforcement, and is likely to have warrants) let her, but make her aware that 1) you will tell them that she is a drug addict and under the influence and 2) you will also inform them of her theft from you.

    Are your grand kids in any type of counseling? If not, try to get them into it. You may get a better feel from a child psychologist about whether, or not, it is a good idea to stop visitation.
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  9. Mleathe250

    Mleathe250 New Member

    They are not in counseling. I think we will have to get them some. I think the general consensus is to let the kids see her, but somewhere else?
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I'm going to say that it depends. For us it was better to cut off any type of visitation. It wasn't helping the oldest (he is the only 1 that really remembers her) and it was so infrequent due to her drug use, and her behavior was too erratic seeing her upset him more than it did any good.

    This is why I have suggested counseling. My oldest still sees a counselor. It was through the counselor that we came to the determination that we needed to curtail the contact. Actual visits didn't happen often as when she is out of jail and deeply mired in her addiction she is very transient. She would call when someone would let her use their phone.

    My son would say he wanted to see her, but then he would have a lot of anxiety after seeing her. Plus the visits didn't always go well and it was upsetting if there were disagreements or if she were too stoned and I would cut the visit short. Oh, and jail visits will never happen. He seems to do better without contact.

    Again, it really depends on your situation and how the kids are handling it. It is a very tricky situation explaining to kid about their parents' addiction without making them out to be bad or uncaring. This is why I suggest that you find someone professional to help you navigate it.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can't stop her from seeing them if the legal guardian or courts say she can see them. You don't really have a choice...

    Yes, do it away from home.
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I forgot the problem of biomom not showing up...unless you pick a nearby location and have her confirm she is there before you load up the kids and meet her...it can be a disaster.

    Biomom would tell the girls when she was going to see them next...even though we asked her not to. We would let her have phone calls with the girls by putting it on speaker phone, Even though we told her NOT to tell the girls anything specific, she would invariably would anyway. Like, "I will bring the gift that I forgot to bring this time when I see you next Saturday." 90% of the time she would be hours late or not show at all, and not call.

    There is nothing sadder than watching little ones standing in front of a picture window, waiting for their mom to show up! Or when she promised to come to church so she could see the girls sing in the kids choir. They would turn around and watch the door to see if she ever came. Sometimes she would show up after they had performed.

    Once she snuck in the last 15 minutes of a play they were in and asked me to promise not to tell them. Then when they asked her questions about certain parts, she pretended she saw it.

    I have dealt with biomom for over 18 years...and now that she is looking at an extended prison sentence, I am actually relieved.