You probably feel guilty because, like most non thriving adults, he blames you and you think the stereotypical,"if I had been a better parent he'd be a better adult. I caused this. He is still my baby (he isn't) and I have to take care of him or else I am a cold-hearted,bad person., I owe him my life.,"
That's common and wrong thinking, hon. Many things determine what a person turns out to be like. Our loving parenting is the
least of it. None of us told our kids to take drugs and break the law. They got those ideas elsewhere. By age 13 or so our kids are looking towards their peers as much as us and by 16 they are looking at their peers the most, the streets, what goes on in and after school, movies, pop culture, and music. Often forgotten is their own DNA which they can't control. You may have a great genepool. Maybe bio. Dad doesn't. Or grandparents or Uncle Joe was a felon.Maybe in the family DNA someone is an alcoholic with a discard for the law. And your son is a part of his genes on both sides, even if he never met them all.
Even if or son never met his bio. Dad, say, 50% of his DNA lives in him. I am a multiple adoptive mom and almost all adopted parents will swear by DNA. Nature trump's nurture. Im fortunate with my adopted kids...But they are nothing alike. My problem child is my one biological man child. Why? Well, we have tons of messed up people in our DNA. After him I decided to never have another DNA child again but he is already here and miserable. And he won't help himself. He is a clone of my miserable and not nice father. It's scary how much they are alike. Spooky. And they were never close. Ever. It's just the dang DNA. My dad rarely saw his grandchildren (or us, his kids).
We parents need to stop the old fashion thinking that if we had been good parnts we would have successful adult kids. It's not on us. Once they turn 18 they are legal adults and choose their own values and paths, both positive and negative. Your son chose jail. Twice. After you helped him the first time. Maybe he needs to do jail alone this time...Minimal money, mInimal visits. Maybe he will decide to change if he is in enough hurt. It's hard. We dont want them to hurt. Yet they make their own beds.
Are there programs to help him on jail, if so he can learn. Can he work? If so, he should. Money given to them you, and other coveted items, are often used to trade for drugs. There are drugs in jail I hear. If so, he doesn't need your unknowing help to have goods to them.
Do you have other loved ones who are kind to you and deserve your attention and good heart,? Hobbies you love? Groups from church or recreational groups that do things you enjoy? Your son is 30. While you will always have mothered him as a young one, he no longer needs a ",mommy" and its time for you in my opinion to back off and have a good rest of your life. You can not control a 30 year old man and he has to do it himself. His problems do not have to step in your tracks. He is not you. You are not him. You don't owe him your very life. Yes, I know it's a different mindset, but nothing worked so far.Try something new for yourself and him. Make him act 30. His mess. He has to deal with it like a man. I mean, you don't have to...but you can't live forever.
Love and biG hugs. We are with you. You can do this. You r strong and caring.