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Substance Abuse
drugs again !
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 706718" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Look. He wants what HE wants. This is not about responsibility, obligation. It is about control.</p><p></p><p>Let me spell this out: your son wants complete control in his life; without responsibility and obligation. He uses "guilt" to manipulate YOU into feeling obligated and responsible for HIM, and when it does not work he feels frustrated and angry that YOU are not fulfilling your proscribed role. </p><p></p><p>We become such trained monkeys that we do feel "guilt" when they suffer. This guilt is automatic because it is programmed into us as mothers, because it is adaptively advantageous to protect the species. After all, it would not feel so good if we walked away and left them when they were 6 months old!</p><p></p><p>You get the issue. They are not 6 months old! But we are stilled tied into the same automatic guilt sense, when they suffer. It is hard to turn this off and this is why many parents create distance. Especially if their children are still off the rails, feeling it is their parents who SHOULD be solving their problems and meeting their needs.</p><p></p><p>In my own experience until their is some distance created, where the adult child has the opportunity to FEEL the consequences of their choices, their behavior--they will not much change. Because they feel that their agency is in you.</p><p></p><p>Until I was able to break that link my son did not change in relation to me. He is struggling now to change in relation to his own life. Because he sees I am a highly inadequate and undependable provider to him. Now that he is 28 years old. I have learned to some extent to break the link of FOG. But I have not yet mastered the fear. I am still afraid.</p><p></p><p>Take care. I am glad you are here. I hope you post a lot. It helps very much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 706718, member: 18958"] Look. He wants what HE wants. This is not about responsibility, obligation. It is about control. Let me spell this out: your son wants complete control in his life; without responsibility and obligation. He uses "guilt" to manipulate YOU into feeling obligated and responsible for HIM, and when it does not work he feels frustrated and angry that YOU are not fulfilling your proscribed role. We become such trained monkeys that we do feel "guilt" when they suffer. This guilt is automatic because it is programmed into us as mothers, because it is adaptively advantageous to protect the species. After all, it would not feel so good if we walked away and left them when they were 6 months old! You get the issue. They are not 6 months old! But we are stilled tied into the same automatic guilt sense, when they suffer. It is hard to turn this off and this is why many parents create distance. Especially if their children are still off the rails, feeling it is their parents who SHOULD be solving their problems and meeting their needs. In my own experience until their is some distance created, where the adult child has the opportunity to FEEL the consequences of their choices, their behavior--they will not much change. Because they feel that their agency is in you. Until I was able to break that link my son did not change in relation to me. He is struggling now to change in relation to his own life. Because he sees I am a highly inadequate and undependable provider to him. Now that he is 28 years old. I have learned to some extent to break the link of FOG. But I have not yet mastered the fear. I am still afraid. Take care. I am glad you are here. I hope you post a lot. It helps very much. [/QUOTE]
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