Drugs are winning

[SeaGenieTx]

Wow, such great support on this forum. All you guys above who posted such nice comments - THANK YOU! I read and re-read these over and over. It's been tough - my job is crazy due to the sudden termination of our Sr. Manager. The Manager who was best friends with the Sr. Manager is my boss and now she has lost her safety net and is being toxic to everyone because she's scared she's next. So me and my coworkers are enduring her crazy moods. She is very bipolar and if she isn't on her medications - she is like Sybil, you never know what personality you are going to get.

With my crazy boss and my son - it's been almost funny at times because I'm like "What the hell is wrong with people?" and I have a coworker who calls me after work and we just vent and laugh so we can deal with all the craziness.

I stopped by a drug rehab place and got some information on local rehabs near me. I sent my son a very nice text saying "I am here to help you when YOU decide you need help and want to get your life on track. If you want to go into rehab we can take that step but I cannot help you anymore until you realize what you are doing to yourself and your life. I love you and am here when that time comes, in the meantime can you please text me once a week and let me know you are ok".

His hostile response was "You think I am a drug addict and need rehab? WTF? Lol".

I wrote back: "Not going to argue with you, the offer for help to go to rehab is there, I am taking a vacation day on Friday if you would like to meet for lunch".

Three hours later he responded "Ok, we can meet for lunch". I asked him to text me tomorrow and let me know what time and to pick a place and I would meet him. I will see if he remembers and makes the effort to contact me. If not, I am not going to contact him. If he really wants to see me and talk then he will need to put forth effort, if not, I will retreat and leave him alone.

He will NOT ever move back into my home. This evening I got home from work and cleaned his bathroom out, bleached it to death and then fixed it up as a guest bathroom. First step. Next step is to start cleaning out his room. I will begin that this weekend.

I would love to see my son tomorrow to see his physical state and mental state. At least to have lunch and just tell him - when he wants to go to rehab and get clean - the offer is there. He will be all defensive and do the lying, I'm not on drugs, speech but I will remain calm and just say "It's your life, you can do drugs and couch surf, age quickly and waste your best years, you are an adult - everything you do is your choice and you can not blame anyone from this moment on".

Just to see him and hopefully have a pleasant lunch then I will hug him and tell him I love him and leave. I know I can't help him, he has to help himself. I will not give him money or let him back in my home. I will just be calm and persistent and tell him that I do feel he has a drug problem and when he wants to get clean I will help him enter rehab or even if he just agrees to get some counseling, I will help. If not then I can only meet him for lunch from time to time to check on him. I honestly don't think he will call me or text me tomorrow. He will wait to see if I reach out but I already extended the offer and asked him to pick a place and let me know what time. If he can't do that then I will go on about my day.

I thought my 50's would be a great time in my life and my grown son would be on his own and we'd be on great terms, he'd be dating and going to school, happy and maturing into a handsome man.

New Leaf - your clay sculpting sounds great. I love clay and acrylic painting on canvas. I like painting tropical fish scenes or wildlife scenes. I do hope to clean out his room and make that a guest/art/office room combo. His room is so gross I hate to even go into it as I'm afraid what I will find and what might be growing under his piles of clothes and junk. He must have 50 unopened cans of "Monster" (all different flavors) that I have to box up. Then behind the piles of his clothes, video games and junk - ugh. I will need to put on gloves and a gas mask and just pick a corner.

I will give an update this weekend. Hugs to all of you guys - thank you for being so supportive.

 

[Nancy]

Sea you are making such good progress. I remember cleaning out my daughter's room and while it was sad it was also a cleansing exercise for me. I was also cleaning out all the bad memories and the smell of pot and cigarettes which permeated everything. I painted her room and washed the blinds and replaced the carpeting and it smelled good and looked cheery. Then I went on to her bathroom and threw out all the nail polishes and hair stuff and scrubbed the room til it shined.

I love that you found rehab places near you, that is a necessary step to have in place for when they are ready. I had not done that and spent hours on the phone crying and eventually made mistakes on places until we found the one that we were happy with. It's not good to try doing that in the middle of a crisis.

From what I can remember of your story your son is mainly smoking pot which then caused him to get into legal trouble, is that correct? That is exactly what my daughter was doing, and drinking up to a case of beer a night. When we first proposed rehab she said the same thing as your son did. See, they look at their friends who are doing the same thing and they think it's normal. My daughter kept saying she was not an addict, that she just liked to drink and smoke pot, everyone did it. She doesn't use pot anymore but she still drinks to excess. She lost many jobs because of her pot use, just never went to work or left in the middle of her shift. She was unmotivated and lazy. The drinking she seems to keep under control for now. I'm not happy with it and I do think it will get her into trouble someday. But she has a good job and is paying her own way and being responsible in many ways, and most important she is no longer living here.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess because I want to validate that when they are doing mind altering drugs they do not see themselves as needing help. It's us parents who are psychotic to them because everyone else around them thinks it's normal. Rehab did not cure my daughter. It did educate her that she was allowing substances to rule her life and that if she continued she would go on to harder drugs. She saw many of those in rehab with her die, and many others who turned their lives around so she knew it was possible.

Your son may not agree that he needs help until the legal trouble gets to the point where he must face it. You are wise to let him know you will be there to support him if and when he decides he wants help.

 

[Childofmine]

SG, I'm following along and seeing what progress you are making, despite the cost. You are moving forward. I hope the lunch today turns out well, and that you have a good weekend cleaning out his room. It is very cathartic and also usually very illuminating. I found all kinds of drug paraphenalia in my son's car, backpack and bedroom. I realized then I just knew the tip of the iceberg and I was way, way out of my league.

That exercise (did it multiple times) was painful but I think it moved me forward. I remember when he got kicked out of rehab for the second time (one of the rehabs) and ended up back in this town and in jail after living on the street in another major city for a while.

I had all of his stuff. I brought it home, opened it all up, and got out a big trash can. There were all kinds of things, like the tubing from a Bic pen, aluminum foil, matches, lighters and other things that I had no idea what you did with them. I googled some of it.

I washed all of the clothes, packed them in plastic tubs and put them in the attic. I threw a bunch of stuff away. I found lists of resources crumpled with nothing written on them.

Their rooms, their cars, their backpacks, their pockets tell the true story.

They will deny their truth until the end of time...until they are ready to face it. My son did, too, and used to curse at me like your son did.

Addiction charts the same course with everybody, and it's a very ugly course.

Hang in there. Keep your distance. Create strong boundaries. That is love. The best kind of love.

We're here for you. Hugs.

 

[Nancy]

COM are you sure our kids are not related?

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea,
Will answer later, going through
some tough stuff right now.

I am very, very proud of you.
You make my heart sing
in a dark time.

Thank you Sea,
you will be just fine
and so will I
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea,
You are the strong Sea, full of current, and waves, moving in a steady direction.
When we are out in the deep blue, on a canoe, that is one of my favorite things. We make our way out through the still waters, pass the little harbor, into the channel and paddle out to the open ocean. Our run is usually first upwind, we have to dig deep and hard with our paddles, driving hard against the wind, waves and current. The canoe goes up, and comes down hard, and we have to press on.
This is much like dealing with our issues with our d cs. We have to press on.
In our practice sessions, when we have done our upwind piece, we turn our canoes and head back to our home base. Now, the wind is at our backs, our stroke becomes faster paced, I am a steerswoman, and I call out to my crew in encouragement to keep going. There is a pattern to ocean waves and current, we do not try to catch the big swells, we are looking for the waves that are in between, constant, steady, flowing. I see it, feel it beneath me, I call out to my crew to push harder, the canoe is lifted up, going faster and faster. Everyone working together helps to keep the momentum, the canoe is riding, flying, towards our landmark. We have found the path, the following sea.
This is you Sea, you have become the "following Sea".

I am happy for you.

It is still hard work, keeping up with this following sea on a canoe. We have to be in shape, have good cardio, believe in ourselves and the other paddlers in our crew. We call out to one another, to press on.

This is CD. It is our "crew".
Keep posting and letting us know how you are Sea, we are encouraged by your steady progress, and we help each other when we are faced with the strong winds and heavy waves life sometimes throws at us.

It is hard work, and having a positive, supportive crew on the journey with us is so very good.

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It means much to me and others as well.

With my crazy boss and my son - it's been almost funny at times because I'm like "What the hell is wrong with people?" and I have a coworker who calls me after work and we just vent and laugh so we can deal with all the craziness

I am glad you have a coworker who you can vent with. I do too, she is truly a lifeline to sanity!

Three hours later he responded "Ok, we can meet for lunch". I asked him to text me tomorrow and let me know what time and to pick a place and I would meet him. I will see if he remembers and makes the effort to contact me. If not, I am not going to contact him. If he really wants to see me and talk then he will need to put forth effort, if not, I will retreat and leave him alone.

I hope things went well for you Sea, it is a loving gesture on your part.

He will NOT ever move back into my home. This evening I got home from work and cleaned his bathroom out, bleached it to death and then fixed it up as a guest bathroom. First step. Next step is to start cleaning out his room. I will begin that this weekend.

I am cleaning out-still. Cleaning out my mind and bolstering my heart, too.

I would love to see my son tomorrow to see his physical state and mental state. At least to have lunch and just tell him - when he wants to go to rehab and get clean - the offer is there. He will be all defensive and do the lying, I'm not on drugs, speech but I will remain calm and just say "It's your life, you can do drugs and couch surf, age quickly and waste your best years, you are an adult - everything you do is your choice and you can not blame anyone from this moment on".

Honesty is important. My girls will still deny drug use, but all the signs are there.

New Leaf - your clay sculpting sounds great. I love clay and acrylic painting on canvas. I like painting tropical fish scenes or wildlife scenes.

It is fun Sea, and gives me much joy. Joy is crucial in our lives, you know? I like to paint seascapes, and portraits. Do you go to your local art museum? It is nice to go and take in the beauty of others creations.

I do hope to clean out his room and make that a guest/art/office room combo. His room is so gross I hate to even go into it as I'm afraid what I will find and what might be growing under his piles of clothes and junk. He must have 50 unopened cans of "Monster" (all different flavors) that I have to box up. Then behind the piles of his clothes, video games and junk - ugh. I will need to put on gloves and a gas mask and just pick a corner.

Hazmat suit time-ugh. Take it one step at a time, it will get done.
I like colorful walls, I have a palette for my house and I like to paint accent walls. My art room has a teal colored wall next to chocolate brown.
I am an old hippy and like bohemian, not messy- colorful, eclectic. I am very happy paisley and baroque have come back in style.

I will give an update this weekend. Hugs to all of you guys - thank you for being so supportive.

I am looking forward to your post "following Sea", you are doing so well, girl, proud of you!

Keep up the good work!
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[La Mesa Mom]

Go Sea! You give me strength. Praying for you!

 

[GoingNorth]

just a word to the wise for anyone cleaning up a suspected addicted child's room.

Please,wear sturdy work gloves while doing so. It is all too easy to make the horrifying discovery that your child has progressed to being on the needle, but sticking yourself on a "rig". And all rigs have to be considered multi-user, just to be on the safe side.

Also, get, buy, or borrow a good, powerful shop vac and go over the floors/carpeting. This will pick up dropped pills, blotters, etc.,that your regular household vacuum may not pick up. This is critically important in households with pets and/or small chidlren.

In the late 70s, I volunteered answering phones for a regional drug hotline for users and their families. Though my own usage stopped abruptly in 81, I have been researching the modern scene.

If anyone has questions or has found something they can't figure out the use of, do not hesitate to drop me a line or PM me. The current drug scene scares the crud out of me, and anything i can do to help out...d

 

[Carolita2]

Wow, such great support on this forum. All you guys above who posted such nice comments - THANK YOU! I read and re-read these over and over. It's been tough - my job is crazy due to the sudden termination of our Sr. Manager. The Manager who was best friends with the Sr. Manager is my boss and now she has lost her safety net and is being toxic to everyone because she's scared she's next. So me and my coworkers are enduring her crazy moods. She is very bipolar and if she isn't on her medications - she is like Sybil, you never know what personality you are going to get.

With my crazy boss and my son - it's been almost funny at times because I'm like "What the hell is wrong with people?" and I have a coworker who calls me after work and we just vent and laugh so we can deal with all the craziness.

I stopped by a drug rehab place and got some information on local rehabs near me. I sent my son a very nice text saying "I am here to help you when YOU decide you need help and want to get your life on track. If you want to go into rehab we can take that step but I cannot help you anymore until you realize what you are doing to yourself and your life. I love you and am here when that time comes, in the meantime can you please text me once a week and let me know you are ok".

His hostile response was "You think I am a drug addict and need rehab? WTF? Lol".

I wrote back: "Not going to argue with you, the offer for help to go to rehab is there, I am taking a vacation day on Friday if you would like to meet for lunch".

Three hours later he responded "Ok, we can meet for lunch". I asked him to text me tomorrow and let me know what time and to pick a place and I would meet him. I will see if he remembers and makes the effort to contact me. If not, I am not going to contact him. If he really wants to see me and talk then he will need to put forth effort, if not, I will retreat and leave him alone.

He will NOT ever move back into my home. This evening I got home from work and cleaned his bathroom out, bleached it to death and then fixed it up as a guest bathroom. First step. Next step is to start cleaning out his room. I will begin that this weekend.

I would love to see my son tomorrow to see his physical state and mental state. At least to have lunch and just tell him - when he wants to go to rehab and get clean - the offer is there. He will be all defensive and do the lying, I'm not on drugs, speech but I will remain calm and just say "It's your life, you can do drugs and couch surf, age quickly and waste your best years, you are an adult - everything you do is your choice and you can not blame anyone from this moment on".

Just to see him and hopefully have a pleasant lunch then I will hug him and tell him I love him and leave. I know I can't help him, he has to help himself. I will not give him money or let him back in my home. I will just be calm and persistent and tell him that I do feel he has a drug problem and when he wants to get clean I will help him enter rehab or even if he just agrees to get some counseling, I will help. If not then I can only meet him for lunch from time to time to check on him. I honestly don't think he will call me or text me tomorrow. He will wait to see if I reach out but I already extended the offer and asked him to pick a place and let me know what time. If he can't do that then I will go on about my day.

I thought my 50's would be a great time in my life and my grown son would be on his own and we'd be on great terms, he'd be dating and going to school, happy and maturing into a handsome man.

New Leaf - your clay sculpting sounds great. I love clay and acrylic painting on canvas. I like painting tropical fish scenes or wildlife scenes. I do hope to clean out his room and make that a guest/art/office room combo. His room is so gross I hate to even go into it as I'm afraid what I will find and what might be growing under his piles of clothes and junk. He must have 50 unopened cans of "Monster" (all different flavors) that I have to box up. Then behind the piles of his clothes, video games and junk - ugh. I will need to put on gloves and a gas mask and just pick a corner.

I will give an update this weekend. Hugs to all of you guys - thank you for being so supportive.

You sound so much better SeaGenie..It is amazing how some support from those who have been or are where you are can give us the courage to carry on and even thrive..
I can relate to all you say..it helps me to keep my expectations low..I reached a bottom with my son's drug use way before he did..
Wishing you a peacetul day,
Carolita

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea,
I hope all went well with you this weekend.
I am a bit concerned you haven't posted, but I am trying to think positive for you.
When you can, please let us know how you are doing.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

Hi SeaGenie,
Pulling for you over here..I feel like I am in leafy's video right now, wasn't the analogy so beautiful? and strengthening..?not to mention that beautiful turquoise room.I love visuals..
I have cleaned the son's space many times over years..It can be frightening and gloves are a good idea..if only love could save. I doubt we'd be here at all.
Wishing you peace,
Carolita

 

[La Mesa Mom]

Hugs! Thinking of you today

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea, thinking of you. Please check in when you can. Prayers for you.
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Seagenie,

I need to read your thread to catch up. I just wanted to post my support and so that I will receive alerts when you post. From the little bit I have read you are making amazing strides. You sound optimistic and strong and clear-headed. Really.

COPA

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Wow Copa - thank you very much. You know if I had not joined this forum and read all the posts, I truly would be lost. First time I kicked my son out was exactly a year ago right around Thanksgiving - this time last year.

Since then I let him come back a few times and sure enough things just got worse, no respect for my house rules, no respect for me his mom. As long as they are doing drugs, nothing will change.

The last episode with my son was pretty bad. The things he said to me and names he called me were mind blowing. But, thanks to that behavior I snapped out of any guilt trip I was on. I feel ZERO guilt now after seeing how mean and hateful he is. I saw an abusive, mean, hateful, violent person. I'm scared of him actually and don't want contact with him. Before I cried, felt guilty for kicking him out, questioned where I went wrong as a mom. Not anymore.

I'm done. I've even accepted the fact I might not see or hear from him again for years. So be it. He really killed our relationship and showed me what he has become. I want nothing to do with him and have almost looked at it as a death. The nasty names and saying "F*** you" to his own mother. I was shaking and in tears last time I saw him. Couldn't believe what I just heard come out of his mouth and the names he called me. No child should ever say those things to a parent, ever. It will be extremely hard for me to ever get over that. If he was aiming to hurt me as hard as he could - he succeeded.

I'm not crying over him anymore, I gave him 23 years of my life and was an excellent mother. Whether he ever appreciates that -who knows. I can sleep at night knowing I did all the right things and gave him all the tools to become a decent adult. His choices are his fate, not mine. In my mind I wished him well, said my goodbyes and told God I can't take anymore, I did my job, I'm done and have to live my life.

For anyone early in the process take it from me, they lie, you can NOT trust anything they say, NEVER let them move back in (won't work), don't give them money, don't bail them out of jail. Don't waste time checking up on them, what you will find will just upset you more, refuse to be sucked in to their drama - period.

Tough love is tough on the parent not the child. Helping goes against everything we know as a parent but when you kid is on drugs, you're dealing with a sophisticated con artist basically and if you don't set boundaries, you'll lose. Takes a while to learn and get to the point I am at but now that I am at this stage, my son will be sorry he ever did this to me because I've given him and his drug lifestyle a burial and unless he makes something of his life and gets clean, he has no mother. I will never take that abuse from my son again. If he wasn't bigger and stronger than me I would have knocked him into next year. Selfish, ungrateful brat. I never raised my son to be like that and the way I look at it, right now he is not my son.

It's easier when you don't feel guilty - I'm glad he showed me his true colors because now I hope he has some hard knocks and struggles out there on his own. Let's see what he's made of. Kid needs some rude awakenings that's for sure.

Sad to be at this stage but that's how I feel.

 

[lovemyson1]

Hi Sea, so sorry for what you're going through. My son too used to say the same words and try to make us feel guilty for kicking him out. It's what they do, it's the drugs not the person. One day, when he is off drugs, I'm 100% certain, he will apologize and be truly sorry for all the pain he's caused you. It's a sick feeling when you don't know if they're dead or alive. I felt that too. It's a feeling of helplessness. Many tears fell for my son when he put us through that. Please don't give up on him Sea! I agree with Leaf, pray and try to trust the process. God is good, he saved my son from so many disasters I truly believe that. I think the best thing you can say to your son is, I love you, I'm here for you when you want to get help. Good-bye. Otherwise he will try to manipulate your tender, loving momma heart. ((hugs))

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Lovemyson1 I soooo hope you are right. Thank u.