DS totally and suddenly silent

[JayPee]

I read something that Joyce Meyer's said... "let feelings subside before your decide".

It's a catchy phrase and one worth memorizing. In what I was reading it stated that we should wait 24 hours (if we can of course) to make a decision when we are in an emotional turmoil. We will have a better handle on making a sound decision instead of letting our emotions step in an take over.

 

[Copabanana]

to actually reject fear and anxiety.

I don't know why my quote thing doesn't work anymore. But I want to say this: Beta. I think I know how it feels when you break down and call or text Josh. I think I know how that fear and desperation feels. I have felt that feeling any number of times, and when I feel it, I can't stop myself. When I feel it, it is overpowering. I can't resist it.

I don't know why we feel this way. But I don't think this state of mind can be resisted easily, once it starts. I think that it's the result of a domino effect, and it comes on us when all of the other dominos have already fallen.

There was a point when you were posting more. I think it might make sense to start posting again more intensively, about what's going on in you. So that you (and we) begin to understand what are the other dominos, that get you to a place where you can't help yourself.

You say you're codependent. I think this is an insult that you don't deserve. I think it sounds more like trauma. I know in my own life I have a history of trauma. And when I get to the point where the dominos are all falling, and I feel as if I can't help but do something (and it's the wrong thing) it's usually related to something that has triggered me about my history. In my case, my father.

I think what is going on with our children is very triggering to early events in our own lives that lie deep within us that we try to ward off. I think we need to be very kind to ourselves. I think you need to treat yourself with care, respect and gentleness. You deserve it.

 

[Copabanana]

I just read JayPees's post above which is very wise. I for one have a very hard time NOT acting from intense feelings. I have a better chance if I avoid the intense feelings from the get go. I do that by setting up circumstances in my life, so as to avoid train wrecks.

I know what I am writing is way different than what I wrote yesterday. Today, I am putting myself in your shoes. I am like you.

But the thing is, what has shifted for me is that I am having no contact at all with my son. He moved out. And he's not calling nor am I calling him, except for one slip up by me. He neither answered or returned the call.

I am way better off this way. Somehow I have found a place in my heart that can let go of the minute to minute, day by day panic about what could be happening, or will happen. I am feeling like I'm better off not knowing, letting him handle himself and his life. I don't have to make this about me. His life is his.

Right now because I'm writing this, I am in touch again with the fear and pain. I don't like it. I guess I have developed the capacity to have emotional distance. At least for now. I don't know how that happened. But I like it better.

Beta. These sons of ours are grown men. There are resources in society that they can turn to. Josh, actually, seems to be doing a reasonable job staying out of trouble and landing on his feet.

There is a glass half full here. Maybe that's the key to avoid the dominos falling down that arrives in desperation and lack of control. Maybe the key is practicing optimism, or equanimity or acceptance. And letting it go.

 

[Beta]

I am way better off this way. Somehow I have found a place in my heart that can let go of the minute to minute, day by day panic about what could be happening, or will happen. I am feeling like I'm better off not knowing, letting him handle himself and his life. I don't have to make this about me. His life is his.

Right now because I'm writing this, I am in touch again with the fear and pain. I don't like it. I guess I have developed the capacity to have emotional distance. At least for now. I don't know how that happened. But I like it better.

Beta. These sons of ours are grown men. There are resources in society that they can turn to. Josh, actually, seems to be doing a reasonable job staying out of trouble and landing on his feet. There is a glass half full here. Maybe that's the key to avoid the dominos falling down that arrives in desperation and lack of control. Maybe the key is practicing optimism, or equanimity or acceptance. And letting it go.[/QUOTE]

This is where I am too. I'm directing my thoughts elsewhere when they want to swerve onto the "minute by minute" thoughts of his wellbeing, safety, etc. I can't ignore the reality of his words to me. They are just too awful and too painful.

My husband and I are driving over to Nebraska to see our youngest son this weekend, to see him before he takes off for Washington state on March 1. It will be a hard thing to say goodbye to him, not knowing when exactly we will see him again. Will check in again early next week with you all. I hope you all have a good and peaceful weekend.

 

[Beta]

I see my quote thing didn't work right, but Copa I quoted a good bit of your response to me, just before my response. Hope it makes sense.

 

[Blindsided]

There are times, because it's not the healthiest of living situation for my son, I wonder if he's dead, or unconscious and in need of emergency medical care in the basement of that house. Those times I turn it over to God, pray he's okay, and ask God to send intervention in the form of someone my son will listen to. I did that just recently after an extended period of no contact, and then got a phone call from my son telling me he misses me and he knows I was just very afraid while raising him, did the best I could and such, his version of reality and apologizing. Of course I then got the phone call telling me how horrible I am the next day

Denise, same here for my 51 Difficult Child daughter. She called twice last night midnight. Probably drunk. A couple of weeks ago she tried to butter me up, but I now recognize the manipulation for what is to come. It's never good and so predictable.

@JayPee you are not alone.

 

[Blindsided]

I know in my son's case when he goes dark he's just otherwise occupied.

Same. Typo before, my Difficult Child is 41 and very good at manipulating to find a roof over her head and makes little effort to want better. Too mired in victimhood. She is a hypochondriac who according to her lab work could be sick, but has cried Wolf so many times, it's impossible to know. And she takes no responsibility accept to drown herself in alcohol.

There are times, because it's not the healthiest of living situation for my son, I wonder if he's dead, or unconscious and in need of emergency medical care in the basement of that house. Those times I turn it over to God, pray he's okay, and ask God to send intervention in the form of someone my son will listen to.

Same prayer here. For me, it is a way to let go of something I cant change.

In healing for us all

 

[Blindsided]

I am way better off this way. Somehow I have found a place in my heart that can let go of the minute to minute, day by day panic about what could be happening, or will happen. I am feeling like I'm better off not knowing, letting him handle himself and his life. I don't have to make this about me. His life is his.

Right now because I'm writing this, I am in touch again with the fear and pain. I don't like it. I guess I have developed the capacity to have emotional distance. At least for now. I don't know how that happened. But I like it better.

Beta. These sons of ours are grown men. There are resources in society that they can turn to. Josh, actually, seems to be doing a reasonable job staying out of trouble and landing on his feet. There is a glass half full here. Maybe that's the key to avoid the dominos falling down that arrives in desperation and lack of control. Maybe the key is practicing optimism, or equanimity or acceptance. And letting it go.

This is where I am too. I'm directing my thoughts elsewhere when they want to swerve onto the "minute by minute" thoughts of his wellbeing, safety, etc. I can't ignore the reality of his words to me. They are just too awful and too painful.

My husband and I are driving over to Nebraska to see our youngest son this weekend, to see him before he takes off for Washington state on March 1. It will be a hard thing to say goodbye to him, not knowing when exactly we will see him again. Will check in again early next week with you all. I hope you all have a good and peaceful weekend.[/QUOTE]
I hope your weekend is going well.

Your post came at a good time for me too. I do better when I detach emotionally. Hard to do, but dealing logistically is so much better.

Love and light

 

[Copabanana]

we will stop trying to find that person inside him. We will wait for that person to find himself, to come to us of his own accord

This is beautiful 200Meters. This is exactly it. Thank you.

Does this make sense?

Yes.

 

[200Meters]

This is beautiful 200Meters. This is exactly it. Thank you.

You're welcome.

 

[JMom]

Hi Beta,

Sorry you were sad, it sounds like you are working through it! I think the day that "broke" me was when I had a woman doing a ride along with me on patrol. She knew my son and asked about him. I ended up admitting to her that I was losing faith in God because of my son's suffering. She stated that God allows things so that lessons can be learned. Again I pressed, I don't understand why he has to suffer to learn his lesson. She looked at me and said "Maybe the lesson is for you". I lost my ever-loving mind, in my patrol car, crying uncontrollably. I had to drive back to the station and turn in my gun belt. I just had to tell my boss that I wasn't well and walked out the door.

It was staring me right in the face the whole time. I was in the way. I was trying so hard to fix everything, I didn't give God a chance to do his work. Well, I got the message loud and clear. Things got tremendously worse from that point on for my son, but since I had turned him over to God, I started the healing process. Your son has to find himself, heal himself and decide who he is as a person. It may not be the kid you remember, but I think, possibly, if you focus on you and who you want to be, the rest will take care of itself.

One other thing that worked for me was to ask myself "what evidence do you have?" for all of my tragic thinking. There is a news update that 5 teens died in a fiery crash:
me: omg, let me call J, it must be him. What evidence is there that anything has happened to him? What evidence is there that XYZ has happened?

Your son is 28-ish, it aint over! He still has a good 50 years in him. Perhaps give him room to write the rest of the story. You are doing the right thing by being here. The people on this site are beautiful, helpful souls and so are you Beta! Your posts have helped me heal as well.

Hang in there kiddo, you've got this, and we have you!

Love,
JMOM

 

[Copabanana]

Dear JMom

This was a brilliant post!! My quote thing has not worked in the last few weeks but what I am responding to in particular is this:

She stated that God allows things so that lessons can be learned. "Maybe the lesson is for you".

I am reading a book called: Inner Child Journeys, by Robin Grille and I am buying another book called Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J Siegel, MD, that espouse exactly this point of view. In fact, they present a way to view parenting (and life) itself from this perspective.

Love.

 

[Beta]

Good morning all--back here after being gone for the weekend. We spent some time with our youngest before he takes off in a week or so for the northwest.

It was staring me right in the face the whole time. I was in the way. I was trying so hard to fix everything, I didn't give God a chance to do his work. Well, I got the message loud and clear. Things got tremendously worse from that point on for my son, but since I had turned him over to God, I started the healing process. Your son has to find himself, heal himself and decide who he is as a person. It may not be the kid you remember, but I think, possibly, if you focus on you and who you want to be, the rest will take care of itself.

Your son is 28-ish, it aint over! He still has a good 50 years in him. Perhaps give him room to write the rest of the story. You are doing the right thing by being here. The people on this site are beautiful, helpful souls and so are you Beta! Your posts have helped me heal as well.

Hang in there kiddo, you've got this, and we have you!

Love,
JMOM

Thanks, JMom. I have come to the realization (albeit slowly) that my contact with him does no good whatsoever, for him or for me. (Copa has pointed this out to me several times, but I seem to talk myself out of it and step right back into the same behavior). It just seems to anger him and trigger in him an angry, malicious response and leaves me feeling emotionally battered.
So, I'm backing out of the way for the time being. After a week of silence from him and non-responsiveness, he has been texting and even calling, to try to vent his anger on me. I don't respond, and I don't plan to. I think I've finally come to some point of acceptance that this is what is for the time being; there's nothing I can do to change it; and I need to move on with my life and protect myself, but just keep praying for him, which I do--many, many times a day.

I think God is trying to teach me many things through this. I'm just thickheaded and slow to learn!

 

[Beta]

You say you're codependent. I think this is an insult that you don't deserve. I think it sounds more like trauma. I know in my own life I have a history of trauma. And when I get to the point where the dominos are all falling, and I feel as if I can't help but do something (and it's the wrong thing) it's usually related to something that has triggered me about my history. In my case, my father.

I did experience trauma as a child, and it definitely impacted the way I parented when my kids were growing up and how I relate to them now. I think my identity as a person is too tied up in them, at times. It's confusing and hard to sort out.

 

[JMom]

Dear JMom

This was a brilliant post!! My quote thing has not worked in the last few weeks but what I am responding to in particular is this:

She stated that God allows things so that lessons can be learned. "Maybe the lesson is for you".

I am reading a book called: Inner Child Journeys, by Robin Grille and I am buying another book called Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J Siegel, MD, that espouse exactly this point of view. In fact, they present a way to view parenting (and life) itself from this perspective.

Love.

Thanks Copa, I will check those books out. Sometimes, I worry that my posts are too harsh.

 

[JMom]

Good morning all--back here after being gone for the weekend. We spent some time with our youngest before he takes off in a week or so for the northwest.


Thanks, JMom. I have come to the realization (albeit slowly) that my contact with him does no good whatsoever, for him or for me. (Copa has pointed this out to me several times, but I seem to talk myself out of it and step right back into the same behavior). It just seems to anger him and trigger in him an angry, malicious response and leaves me feeling emotionally battered.
So, I'm backing out of the way for the time being. After a week of silence from him and non-responsiveness, he has been texting and even calling, to try to vent his anger on me. I don't respond, and I don't plan to. I think I've finally come to some point of acceptance that this is what is for the time being; there's nothing I can do to change it; and I need to move on with my life and protect myself, but just keep praying for him, which I do--many, many times a day.

I think God is trying to teach me many things through this. I'm just thickheaded and slow to learn!

So, I was thinking you take the week off from worry and I will take over for you. Redirect your thinking every thought. Just say, oh yeah, I don;t have to worry JMom;s got this. I continue to pray for you guys. Take a break, you deserve it.