Easier said than done

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by slsh, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I am *so* proud of Diva tonight. A friend texted her a very specific suicide threat - they've been best buddies for year, though with different high schools this year, they've not been able to spend much time together and apparently her friend, let's call her Q, hasn't been texting much about what's going on. Anyway, Diva came to me in tears, handed me her phone, and said, "What do I do?"

    Whoa. Deer in headlight mom moment. I don't like meddling. I've perfected the art of staying out of other people's business. But... really there was no choice. I called Q's mom. It was really an extremely uncomfortable thing to do.

    Diva is devastated - over the threat, over the "betrayal" as her friend will most likely see it, and over not knowing that Q has been in such a state for quite a while.

    I'm a stickler for honesty, but I budged in this instance. I told Q's mom that Diva was in the bathroom when her phone buzzed, so I picked it up, saw the text, and felt obligated to call her. Not sure that's going to fly, but I sure hope so.

    B will have been gone 6 months on Monday. Diva, thank you, and I still have some really awful days - it's incomprehensible that she's gone. But I didn't pull any punches with- Diva tonight - told her that if Q is mad at her, that's okay, because at least Q will be *here* to be mad. Asked her if she would have done the same thing for B, even if it meant B never talked to her - she said yes. I told her that Q not talking about her problems to Diva is not Diva's fault - B didn't tell anyone and *none* of us had a clue. Told her over and over and over she did the right thing, the only thing.

    Good grief, this parenting thing is so much harder than I ever dreamed. Still struggling with- Diva's depression and her refusal to participate in therapy... and then this gets dropped in her lap. UGH! Asked her if she was okay - no. Asked her if she was safe - "as safe as I've been for the last several months." I'm locking up medications.

  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You absolutely did the right thing. So much pain going around....
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) for both you and Diva.

    You might also want to tell her that her friend calling her was a yell for help, whether her friend realizes it or not. Being a real friend, she answered that call best she possibly could. Far too often the right thing to do is the hardest to do.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think one of the hardest things to do as a teen is to figure out when to keep a secret and when not to. I am thankful that Diva took this to you - it is exactly the way a teen should handle this type of thing.

    Please let Diva know that when I was 14 a friend of mine took a bottle of tylenol and called me to say goodbye. She made me promise not to tell anyone several times before she told me what she did. I promptly asked if her mom was home - and she was not. So I hung up and called her mom. her mom didn't believe me at first, but did go home after I told her I would call 911 and report this if she did not deal with it. They were in time and the mom made her drink some ipecac on advice from poison control and then she spent a day in the reg hospital and a couple weeks in a psychiatric hospital. This friend never spoke to me again until a few years ago.

    I happened to run into her mom at the pediatrician's office and learned that not only were our sons friends, that my friend was in her last year of medication school. Her son was living iwth her mom while she did this, and was a delightful young man. Her mom told me that the main reason she wanted to go into medicine was because of how her suicide attempt was handled way back when I insisted her mom take this suicide attempt seriously.

    My friend sent me a card shortly after I ran into her mom and she thanked me for not allowing her to kill herself. She said at the time she saw it as a betrayal, but as an adult she saw how hard it had to be for me and how much it helped her.

    I NEVER regretted calling her mom. I problem would have asked my mom to do it but I was home alone at the time.

    Maybe this will help Diva to know that things truly do get better and that she absolutely made the only right decision that she could have made. Her friend is a blessed young woman to have Diva for a friend. Truly blessed.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I like your fib about the phone buzzing when Diva was in the bathroom.

    And I have said a version of this many times: "if Q is mad at her, that's okay, because at least Q will be *here* to be mad."

    VERY good job, Mom!
    Fingers crossed that it all works out and her friend gets help. And that the mom does the right thing.
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    It worked out probably better than hoped for. Q was upfront and honest with her mom (who was really caught off guard with- this whole thing - teens are so darn good at hiding stuff) when confronted. They got in touch with- pediatrician, who recommended evaluation in ER. Q called Diva right before they left, and I think things are cool there. Mom said she thinks Q scared herself - actually asked her parents to lock up medications. So... yes, I think it was overall a positive evening, not just for Q and her family, but for Diva too.

    Diva is *way* ticked at other friends who knew this was going on but didn't do anything other than talk to Q.

    husband had an interesting take this morning. He thinks Q texted Diva because she knew that Diva would not take it lightly. These girls are cosmic twins, extremely close, and I think he's right - Q finally reached out to Diva because things were dire and she trusted that Diva would do the right thing.

    Diva is turning into one heck of a young woman. I'm so proud of her.
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I think your husband is right on target. I'm also glad that you and Diva has a strong enough relationship that she confided in you. I hope, if ever presented with similar circumstances, that my Duckie would come to me.
  8. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    You all handled it perfectly and huge kudos to Diva for coming to you for help. I hope that Q gets the help she needs.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    You did EXACTLY the right thing!

    Can I share a story with you? When I was in 8th grade I had a small group of friends, one of whom struggled with depression and other problems. She became suicidal and three of us went to the school psychologist and told what we knew because we were really afraid that she was going to commit suicide. The other girls that were friends with us were really angry that we didn't seek out their counsel before going to the psychologist (one of whom was my sister). Sister was being really witchy towards me that night and my mom and finally had enough and said in the stern mother voice that she had, "I want to know what the he!! is going on and I want to know RIGHT NOW!" So I told her. Some of my friends (including sister, dearest) were angry because we didn't tell them that we were going to the psychologist. My friend was angry that we told her secret. And I was desperately afraid that we would lose her. My mom said that we did exactly the right thing and she said to me the exact same thing that you told Diva. If she's angry at least she will be HERE to be angry with us.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Please tell Diva, ........

    We take calls EVERY DAY in the center for suicides. EVERY DAY. I think it's among some of the hardest hitting calls that the center takes because it's not just ONE person that is involved in the aftermath, even in our own operation. I've personally fielded many calls even as short of a time as I've been doing this job, and when the friends, or family call? The first line is ALWAYS the same.....ALWAYS. "I don't want to get anyone in trouble." When you do the right thing? Sometimes that's going to cross your mind, but attempting to help someone save their life? Is a very good thing.

    The fact that she came to you? Phenominal. I wish there were MORE young ladies like her that took a chance, and were brave enough to care more about their friends' lives - than playing out the scenario in THEIR minds - when they have NO idea of what is going to happen FOR that person. For me? It's my job....and I love it.....But for what Diva did? Her life has many purposes......and she just fulfilled one of them. Please tell her I'm very proud of her.
  11. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    You did the absolute right thing! As hard as it is to do, you did it. I've had numerous talks with all 3 of my difficult children about this very subject. They know to come to me if this should happen with their friends and both of my daughters have had this occur. They both have come to me, even the adult one. It's hard but it's always better to have some one mad (if it happens) and alive then not mad and not with them or their familys. It wouldn't matter then would it in the long run? No one wants that.