Easter 6

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hello my dear friends;

    A very happy Easter to all of you. We have a 6 hour visit with our son E tomorrow. We can take him off sight but not out of the county where the rehab is located.

    We struggle ourselves with PTSD and remain in therapy.

    We are challenged with the crazy cop mom and her addicted daughter. We have taken the approach that we do not want her to become be the forbidden fruit. She will not be allowed on sight ever unless she agrees to a drug test. He had his first Phone call allowed to her today. that is why we are still awake. It was so damn hard to allow this contact. We know that if we forbid contact 100% that this will only solidify this broken relationship.

    It is soooo hard to throw scars on my tongue and a smile on my face and allow this process. We do have faith that our son will tire and move on. She has declared she is getting clean with him and there have been non stop party posts on social media from her; which we have provided to his rehab.

    His first face to face will NEVER happen out of our sight. And won’t be for another few weeks.

    We are away from the 13 to the 23. His first overnight will not be until after this.

    He has embraced his studies and is doing very well. He is quit bright and has now revamped his educating plans and is speaking of wanting to attend university. Frankly I could not care less if he did or didn’t. He could work at McDonalds as long as he was clean and sober I would be good with anything.
    I am following all of your posts and I am hoping to have the time and strength to be back supporting all of you the way you have supported me.
    I am sleeping and find it has made me feel even more tired. I know we all have a long way to go in this journey.

    Again a very happy Easter to all.
     
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  2. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Do you have a choice not to allow the contact between them? Just curious being that he is no longer under age. I know I tried to control who my son was hanging out with regularly as soon as I knew he was smoking pot and it NEVER did me any good at all. I thought it was at the time but looking back I think it only ever made things worse.the more critical I was of these people the more appealing they were to him and the more he felt the need to defend and protect. The truth is that he does not need girlfriend or her mom to get into trouble, just like my son didn’t need the kids who I thought of as the bad influence to get himself into trouble. When they are addicted they flock to others who are addicted. I often think now about how many other parents thought of my son as the trouble that sent their kids down the wrong path. I am in no way judging your choice try to keep them apart, we do what we feel like we’ve got too.
     
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  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Happy Easter to you. Know that these hardships will pass. Just concentrate on walking forward and being good to yourselves. Hugs.
     
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hope you are having a nice visit, LBL. E's progress sounds very promising.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So true that we cannot CONTROL any of it.

    Sigh. If we could....well this forum would not exist!

    It's so hard to accept it. We do not want our son to go back to his ex even though she is adorable and lovely and doesn't party. Husband feels strongly that they are too codependent. He doesn't want him to go backwards in ANY way to anything he did "before". Her father died of a cocaine overdose when she was 12. Her mother died last year from sclerosis of the liver (from drinking). Her half brother is a recovered addict. She has suffered greatly from loving addicts.

    She is in college but texts me every so often to say how much she misses J. They never really "broke up" but he cannot have contact of any kind with anyone other than us. Amen to that rule.

    Of course she lives in Florida and we are moving to the coast of Alabama near the Panhandle so they will be closer. In the end we know we cannot control it but we can only make our wishes known.

    LBL I'm glad to hear your son is talking about HIS future and his goals now for the first time in a very long time (if ever? not sure).

    We really cannot worry about things that may or may not happen...I guess. I'm telling myself that also. Just tell them how we feel about their decisions.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    The visit went very well. He had to set 3 goals to meet. One was to come clean with us about his drug use. He had been injecting drugs and had begun to use meth and crack. This was suspected and yet still very hard to hear.

    His second goal was to talk about his future and that was nice to hear him ponder plans for a future in school and perhaps even university.

    His third goal was to talk to his HF and explain the lies he had told about us were not true. He did accomplish this.

    We can not restrict who he sees or talks to and I agree he has to own these decisions for himself.

    He will be making his own plan of care with the rehab facility. We are stepping back and letting him adult for himself. We feel it is the only way.

    As much as I would love to block contact with girlfriend and her mother (which I could do as his surety),this would only serve to make her the forbidden fruit. We will have to let their relationship run it’s natural course. We hope he has the strength to move on.

    We had lunch and then a 6KM hike it was chilly but sunny.

    It was an amazing and rare opportunity to enjoy time and a family activity with our son.

    He continues to progress in the program. We have hope. No expectations just hope.
     
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  7. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    What is surety? He is still young and I bet he and girlfriends relationship will fizzle out soon enough. At that age I think most kids are attracted to the drama that these kinds of relationships bring. I know I was, the higher the intensity the more mature I thought I was.hahaha What was I thinking? I think the fastest was to get rid of a girlfriend in my house would be to say “dad and I really like her and hope this lasts forever.” She would be history in no time.
     
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Ah reverse psychology!
     
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ho LBL I am glad E is progressing and is clear headed enough to see his responsibility for his actions.
    This is what I think about the girlfriend situation. Like minded people hang out together. If E truly gets clean and wants to stay the path, he will want nothing to do with her. Period. He will learn and accept that he cannot hang out with old friends who he drugged with.
    If he continues the relationship it is a telltale sign of his intentions.
    Preaching to the choir, I know.
    I hope he learns from this experience and chooses wisely. Whatever the case may be, it will be his choice.
    Prayers going up that he is able to stay the course, see the destruction of addiction and old habits, old acquaintances and steer a new path with sobriety.
    You have some time to rest and gain strength to be able to handle whatever the future holds.
    My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing the good news. Hopefully, E will be able to forge new friendships with people who have nothing to do with drugs. That will be key to his success.
    In the meantime, remember that you matter, the best rest of your life, matters.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  10. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    lbl, I am glad you had a positive visit. I know hearing how deep he was into the drugs has to be terrifying. I remember so clearly the letter my son had to write to us while in wilderness therapy, detailing the things he had done. Before the letter, we were naive and thought he had only tried weed once. In the letter he said he stole pills from a friends mom and I dont think I will ever forget that awful sinking feeling I had. That he tried acid. A lot of the things he revealed were things that he tried once and supposedly never again. Ironically now that its pretty far in the past, he says only some of that was true. That he didn't steal pills. WHAT? The further we get from his crazy adolescence the more we learn about how much his ODD diagnosis was right on. If you want me to do it, I will do the opposite. Or if you force me to be honest, I'll be honest (not really) and hurt you that way. Now that he is living on his own, working a full time job and paying rent we see DRASTIC improvement. We have short visits about once a week where he gets to show up when he wants and leave when he is ready. He never stays more than a few hours. Ah, these short visits are so healing. I look at it like every time we have a good visit where everyone feels ok afterwards is building a relationship back.

    I pray that your son continues in his positive direction with planning for his own future and doing well with his studies. He is blessed to have such dedicated parents.
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Leafy, you are so smart.

    As soon as my daughter dropped the meth/coke, she dropped every single "friend" she had from the drug days. She had a crazy boyfriend, but tried to hide from him (she was in another state) and he found her on the internet, but he threatened her best friend so he ended up in trouble with the Wisconsin police.

    When their heads are right, they change their friends and SO's. If they don't, it indicates t hat they are not completely there yet.

    Like attracts like.

    Leafy, you are one of the kindest most helpful person here and I'm sorry your two don't yet appreciate the gem they have for a mother. But your brain on drugs.....(((hugs))).
     
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  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Swot you are sweet, thank you. I don’t think I am that smart at all. It’s just that folks who dabble with drugs, the hard stuff and live that life style.....only want to be with people who have that mentality. It becomes an alter universe, where straight people are the strange ones and those who do drugs become family.
    Thank you for the hugs and love. My two are set in this niche with their meth addicted family. We are essentially estranged, haven’t heard from either of them in a few months now.
    If I could have pulled them out of the swamp of their choices, I would. Lord knows I tried.
    I don’t expect any epiphanies from them. It has been a long time since I have seen the true them.
    My Tornado has abandoned her children. That says heaps. It is sad. My saving grace in that is that my grands are in a more stable environment now. That says heaps, too. Sigh.
    LBL, you are carrying a heavy load with your new job, the weeks of trepidation waiting for E to get into rehab, the crazy with Copmom and her daughter. Some of that weight has been removed with E in rehab, but now it is a whole different ballgame of anticipation and hope and trying not to have expectations. (I am guessing at this, as I have not been in this neck of the woods with my two).
    The ball is in your sons court. Gently I say to you, to keep switching focus to you. Keep working on yourself, as much as you wish for your son to do the same. I do believe there is much to this, mentally, spiritually and physically. That we don’t continue to carry the burden of their consequences in our very souls. Maya Angelou said words and thoughts have power. I think that as we let go and give the load to our higher power and our beloveds, there is a ripple effect that they can feel. We are all connected, so much moreso to our children who we have nurtured through their young lives.
    The more we feel and live the consequences of their choices, the less they do.
    Your son is on his journey, hopefully to recovery and abstinence.
    There is a journey for you and your husband as well.
    Take the time you both need to heal and recover from the pain you have endured.
    I am hoping this rehab works. I am hoping your son can escape the grip of drugs.
    I am hoping for peace and joy for you and your husband no matter what path your son chooses.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I hold his bail bond. That is what surety means.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. I have started a new post with a twist of events.