easy child daughter having a hard time

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by catwoman, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    My daughter's husband, who was clean and sober for 3 years, relapsed. She called me the other night crying. She had suspected for a while that he had started drinking again and this particular night he came home literally falling down drunk. I have to say I saw it coming. Those of you who are in recovery will know what I mean when I say he had been a "dry drunk" for the past 2 years. She has 3 kids under the age of twelve and a newborn. It's so hard to watch this. I've been trying to get her to an Al-Anon meeting to help her cope with everything. I know that she blames herself even thought she doesn't say it. Even with a mother who's a recovering alcoholic she doesn't understand the addiction. He knows what he needs to do, he's been through 4 rehab programs. I called and left him a voice mail to let him know I'm here if he needed someone to talk to who understands alcoholism. Other than that I've stayed out of it. There's nothing I can do to make him want to stay sober and I wish my daughter could realize it as well. We're all leaving on Friday for our family beach week. I'm going to have a good time with my grandkids no matter what.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It's got to be painful to see your daughter taking blame for decisions that are her husbands. I hope you can get her to go to a meeting.

    Unfortunately I do know what you mean by a dry drunk. husband has been one for some time. And now he's back to drinking as well. It hasn't been so pleasant of late in the Daisy household, at least for husband that is. So far he hasn't gotten drunk, but that's only a matter of time.

    Sending (((hugs))) for your daughter and saying prayers.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My H is a dry drunk. He hasn't had alcohol since December 2006 and while I am proud of him for that (and he claims he wants no part of it either), I am concerned because we've been down this path before and I know it is only a matter of time because he is not in any kind of program. He sees a counselor occasionally and although the counselor suggested AA, my H is resistant to attending meetings.

    The other day, after a grueling but mere 3 hour drive through NY, he said, "God if I still drank, I'd want a cold cocktail right now". Of course, alarm bells went off in my head!!

    I know that as a non-alcoholic living with an alcoholic it is easy to take on more responsibility for the alcoholic's drinking. And that it's not up to her to make him stop and likewise, it's not up to you to make her see the light or hit an al-anon meeting. HOWEVER, I do not see the harm in perhaps picking her up a copy of good reading material relative to her position with her H. "Co-dependent No More" helped me a bit. Also, "The ACOA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children" REALLY REALLY helped me a lot considering that my H was an active drinker while my dds' were growing up. I often felt like I was doing cartwheels to bring a little 'normal' to our home despite my H's alcoholism. One or both of those books (and I'm sure there are thousands!) may help her to stop blaming herself and start putting the onus back on her H. You could simply give them to her without saying a word - just tell her you thought of her and H..."take what you want, leave the rest".

    Sending hugs, enjoy your time with the grandkiddies.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I have nothing to say that can help more than what you've said. I attended Alanon- AA, CA, NA on and off for years. I was never subjected to alcohol or drugs as a kid, so when I got married it was all new. I stayed with him for 13 years. It was miserable. I did get enough information through the above meetings & counseling to leave for good and NOT feel guilty. It was such a release.

    I hope you enjoy your time at the beach. Send me something pretty.

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is he going to the beach with you? I hope he won't take over the good times.

    Would your daughter be more likely to go to Al-Anon if you watched the kids for her. She should know that she doesn't have to tell him (not right away) that she is going. It's for her, after all.

    I understand the drinker not wanting to go to AA or get help. It means that they have to admit that they are not in control, and that is the first step.

    I hope you have a nice weekend with the grandkids, and that your sister in law will hear your offer of help.
  6. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    I'm sorry to sound ignorant, but what is a dry drunk? My husband refuses to go to AA. Sadly he is still drinking. He says AA is a cult...I am thinking of attending Al-Anon.

    It is so hard, I love him with all my heart. Right now, I don't like him very much.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    bby, Google "Dry Drunk". You will get a wealth of information. You could also check the official AA website where it descibes everything to a T. It also has links to all the states Al-Anon websites.

    Best of luck to you~