easy child/difficult child-the good and the bad

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We have seen many positive changes in easy child/difficult child since she graduated. She is becoming more social with us. In the last week she has come shopping with me 3 times (only once was for her). She also came to the pool with me Friday (hasn't done that since she was about 8 or 9) and yesterday decided to come to the family reunion after she said she wouldn't go if difficult child and her friend went. She has also hung out with husband; going to the movies and to the book store. husband and I both watched a movie with her.

    This is really good because she usually closes herself off to everyone.

    On the not good side? She cannot be nice to difficult child or his friend. She is so incredibly witchy. Seriously if you heard her speak to either you would think she was a *itch and wouldn't want to be anywhere near her. Yesterday she made difficult child's friend cry for about 20 minutes. He had thrown a snap at the side of her foot (he should not have done this, we talked about it, he realizes he was wrong even though he was angry at her for bossing him around so much-that's a nice way of putting it-it seemed worse than bossing). She screamed at him, locked difficult child and him out of the house (we were upstairs taking a nap), and told him he couldn't come over ever again.

    We were able to calm down difficult child's friend and let him know she was wrong (as well as he for throwing the snap) and assured him he was welcomed in our house and she had no power over him.

    The part that is so frustrating is she doesn't see that she did anything wrong. There is no reasoning with her when it comes to difficult child. The anger in her runs so deep. I even waited several hours to talk to her when she was more calmed down-didn't do any good.

    It's so disheartening to watch her like this, her entire body changes, the looks on her face, everything when she is around difficult child. I'm so happy to see progress in other areas but it is hard to be too optimistic when you see this side of her.

    Someone, please, tell me that she will not always be this way.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That part is hard to tell. They are quite far apart in age plus there has been quite a bit of difficult child abuse in the home. On the flip side, my kids were hellions as kids. Cory couldnt walk past Jamie when he was a kid without Jamie either tripping him or doing something else to provoke him so that Cory would act out and all hell would break loose in the house. It was basically a war zone at times. Jamie would instigate it and then Cory would retaliate while Jamie would sit there with that "Who me?" look on his face, while Cory is getting dragged away bodily. I got so mad...lol. I kept telling Cory to just ignore him so that Jamie could be the one in trouble but oh no...that just couldnt be done...lmao.

    I just swore that when the boys grew up they would be mortal enemies and never have another thing to do with each other. Well we all know how that has turned out. They are thick as thieves. Ok, not a good analogy. LOL. Very close brothers is a better way to put it when I have one who is a cop and one who is, well, not! They really do look out for each other. I would have never dreamed it.

    I cant say how it will be in your family. Maybe things will get better when your son is an adult but a lot of that will depend on how your son matures I think. By the time he is grown, your daughter will be long gone out of your house and will probably have a family of her own so she will see her brother in a whole new light. Wisdom does come with age and experience.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    I can't promise you, but there is always hope it won't be that way - might not be perfect, but might get to a "reasonable" place.

    My sis (3years older than me) HATED me from the day I was born. She was quiet and reserved, and I was a little tornado. As we matured, it really didn't get much better, just more subtle. Our lives went in completely different directions - She's single, I got married and had kids. She's a bit of a narcissist and is always "embarrassed" by the things I do. Unfortunately, she got a front row seat when the Twin Towers fell in 2001. That day changed her forever in a POSITIVE manner. She's a lot more supportive and detached from her imagined stake in my life. Now we get along pretty well. I think it's partly due to the fact that we live so far away from each other. But it's pretty good when we see each other as well.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet and Kiesta-Thank you. I'm hoping things improve but not so sure. She shows absolutely no compassion at all when it comes to difficult child. For now we'd be thankful if she could just stop watching him for every little thing he does and then screaming at him. Geez, I'm going to have to start closing windows and doors to give our neighbors some peace!
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Is she generally less tolerant and witchy or just when it comes to difficult child?
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Sibling rivalry is hard. It gets tough when one kid seems to need more than the other. Even though my son was an adult when the issues began with his little sister, he was angry and over-protective of us (me especially). We had to include him in family sessions at the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-against his will, but then he was under our roof.....

    Eventially he has learned to cope-better than us really. He loves her, but maintains a "safe distance" so as to not get caught in the stuff. At first we did have to lay down the law. He would get on her like glue continually. Finially we told him he was not the parent (which older siblings try to take on when they think parents are not very successful-I did this as the oldest child). I laid it out-"Your sister is not ok, her head isn't working the way it should. No amount of being rude and hateful is going to help her. I can't have you adding to my stress. Back off and give us some space and benefit of the doubt. We are doing the best we can and you do not need to help us parent her. Stay gone more, if it helps you cope, we get it."

    We check in with him every week and include him everything we can. I think he finially realized she wasn't going to get better overnight and he could just be himself-no added responsibility.

    Don't know if your daughter is feeling any of the same things-might be worth talking to her about it?
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ML-She can be very defiant but she is only as *itchy with difficult child and anything that has to do with him.

    Exhausted-You sound like you live at my house! We've had a very similar talk with her several times. We even have her in therapy to help her deal with her brother's issues. Unfortunately she refuses to listen to anything logical. The only thing that sometimes works is taking away her right to go out, however, she doesn't go out much so that isn't too effective.