easy child happy to be home and an exH vent

[flutterbee]

easy child is sooo glad to be home. I knew he would be. When I talked to him on Christmas night and again on Thursday, he didn't want to get off the phone...kept looking for things to talk about. He does that when he's ready to come home.

He's so cute and funny about things. The first thing he does when he gets home is check out the house to make sure nothing has changed. He was only gone a week! My mom mentioned coming up this past Friday to help me take down the tree and stuff and I told her that it would have to wait until after Devon got home. He gets upset if things change while he's gone. Kinda like life went on without him.

His friends had a mini party Sat night and he went over, but called me at 12:30 to come get him. He wanted to sleep in his own bed. He has a friend over tonight. He's such a homebody.

I ended up not sending him the email about replacing my thing because he always gets so nervous when he goes to his dad's. I told him on Saturday that I wanted him to replace. He looked a bit sheepish, said ok and asked if I knew where to get it.

Then he opened up his Christmas presents from me and was upset that I spent the money on him. He knows how tight things are financially right now. See? He is a really good kid. Somedays I just get so caught up in the teenage stuff that I overlook it.

Anyway...on the stupid ex/easy child's dad. He called the day before easy child went down and easy child wasn't home. Let me back up a bit. We've been divorced for 13 years. He was a real schmuck and well...leopards don't change their spots. They just get better at hiding them. For the first couple years after our divorce I couldn't talk to him without feeling physically ill. That's long since passed and I just ignore him most of the time now. Do a lot of eye rolling, but that's about it.

Anyway, so he calls the night before and he and I are talking about Devon. He's going on and I told him that easy child is a really good kid and that he treats him like a juvenile delinquent in the making and it really bothers easy child when they call him 'spoiled' or a 'Yankee' in that not-so-nice way. Of course, deny, deny, deny. easy child's just saying that stuff to me to spare my feelings. :rolleyes: Ok. Whatever.

It dissolved into this really oooooold argument of I took easy child 600 miles away to spite him, blah, blah, blah. I remind him that he only lived 12 miles from me when I lived in Atlanta and that for several months before I moved he couldn't be bothered to visit or call. Then I remind him how even after we moved here in Sept, 1994, he or noone in his family so much as called or sent easy child a card for Christmas and not to get me started on that old, tired argument. Of course, he denied and I reminded him that I had documented everything. Then told him off (using not so pretty language) and hung up. Ok. Not one of my shinier moments. But, have you ever known someone that could take you from joy to seeing red in 10 seconds flat? Well, that's him. Hence, why I ignore him now.

So. easy child has asked his dad to help him buy a car. Afterall, K (easy child's dad) bought his step-daughter a car 4 months before she got her license and easy child got $100 on his b-day and K telling him that he feels like he shorted him. Ya think? Well, first K wouldn't get easy child a car unless easy child moved to Atlanta. easy child told him that wasn't happening. Then K tells him that he will get easy child a car, but easy child has to contribute money to it. easy child is willing to do that, but of course upset that his step-sister (the one with $500 and $800 cell phone bills) didn't have to. Now K is telling easy child that since I'm on medicaid I won't be able to have another car in my name as that will throw me over the amount of assets I'm allowed to have. :grrr:

K and I talked about this in our conversation the night before easy child went down. I told him that I would look into an out of state person registering a car in the state of Ohio so he could have the car in his name. I also told him that if that wouldn't work, we could put the car in my mom's name. No bigee. It could be worked around. If I determined it was going to be an issue to begin with, as that has YET to be determined.

So, basically K doesn't want to get easy child a car, but is using ME as his excuse. easy child is livid. He said the only thing any of them (except his dad's sister) did while he was down there was criticize him. He said not one single compliment. He said he told them that they could say what they wanted, it wasn't going to make him feel bad about himself it was just going to make him not like them. Yay! Devon! Good for him for standing up for himself. He normally doesn't stand up to his dad AT ALL.

So, I told easy child we'll just take his dad out of the equation. I did have some (not much) earned income last year and we'll take what little I get back for a tax refund and buy him a car. It won't be anything nice, but it will run and will get him around and give him the independence he's looking for. He was against it saying that me and Nana buy him everything and his dad does nothing. I'm going to preface this next comment with I normally don't speak ill of his father. His father does enough of that on his own. But, he was obviously upset and I said well maybe you're dad will feel like then and he'll just have to deal with it. easy child said, well, that's one way to look at it. :rofl:

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. No, I really can't afford to buy easy child a car, but the emotional toll with K (for easy child) is just not worth it. I told easy child that I was planning on buying him a car all along. easy child said, 'Mom, it's not your fault you're sick'.

The thing is, K has done nothing to build a good relationship with his son, but you care to guess who will be blamed when easy child doesn't want much to do with him? :rolleyes: You know, I don't care what K does at his own house with his family, whatever. But, dammit, you don't hurt my kid.

Whew. I didn't intend for this to be so long. Guess it was pent up. Thanks for listening. :smile:

 

[susiestar]

I am glad that he is home. It certainly osunds like you are well shed of K. It really does suc& that he is such a jerk.

Devon sounds like a really good kid. You need to take time to just be PROUD of him, and of you for raising him!!

Hugs,

Susie

 

[mrscatinthehat]

See I can so relate. easy child's dad and I divorced in 95 and so much is familiar to me that you said. We are not getting her a car is the only difference. That and her bio dad buys her all sorts of stuff but she saw through that number a long time ago. She has said she knows he does it just to show off. Glad you got your easy child back. Mine won't be until the 2nd and then she will feel like because of all the negativity they feed her while she is there.

Hugs to you. This is never fun when they can't figure out how to be dads (and I am not talking about the good ones on here).

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

It really does bother him, how his dad treats him, but he does the guy thing and doesn't talk about it much. Then one night, a few months later, it will all come out and he'll be really upset. It ends up being one of those nights where we spend several hours going over everything. He just needs to get it out and hear that it's not him, Know what I mean??

In fact, this is the probably the first time that he's told me right away how things went. Over the summer we chatted via IM and he vented about some things, but didn't talk about it much at home until a few months later.

They've never accepted him for who he is and have always tried to make him into something he's not. He sees how they are and it bothers him that they treat him and talk to him like he's not as good as they are. On Saturday he said, "They think just cause they have a boat and a four wheeler and go on cruises that I'd want to live there, but it takes a lot more than that. They never say anything nice about me. They act like they are better because of 'southern hospitality', but really they're selfish and rude."

When he was 10, easy child called me from his dad's obviously distressed because his dad and step-mom were saying really bad things about me to him. Here I am, 600 miles away trying to comfort my son telling him that it doesn't matter what other people say because he and I know the truth and that's all that matters.

Then a couple of years ago, he was talking to his dad about something and his dad responded that he never knew that. easy child tells him that I didn't either til he told me and K responds with, "easy child, don't compare me to your mother." easy child didn't tell me this; he told my mom. Then he told my mom that he knew right then when his dad said that that he was ready to come home.

Funny...K was/is always the one accusing me of bad-mouthing and/or undermining him. Guess it's that guilt thing, eh? If I'm doing it, you must be to kinda thing.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

You know I don't think it is just a guy thing. easy child usually waits after her visits to share any information when she is ready. Must be something with the age. She as much as told her dad that when she has her own life (over 18) don't expect to see her because of the way things have been. She and I had some major discussions this last month before she went this time. I think she was trying to brace herself.

I am glad that your easy child has the ability to see the reality. It makes things so much easier. At this point my easy child asks a lot of questions about her father and I ration out what I tell her. I told her I wanted her to make her own opinion of him. She said I have my opinion now I want the facts mom.

They give her so much for being in the midwest and that she really needs to leave because nothing good will come from her being here and other such lovely things. How bout we stick your ex and his family on the same shuttle as mine and ship out into space.

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

I think that sounds like a lovely idea.

K is so big on the southern and Yankee thing you would think he fought in the freakin' Civil War. :rolleyes: (I guess we now understand how he can still do the 13 year old argument if he's still not over the war from 150 years ago. :rofl: )And he seems to forget that for all intents and purposes, easy child is one of those 'Yankees' he's always complaining about. Ohio is easy child's home.

I really don't care what they think of me and I know that easy child is fully able to see the truth. It doesn't hurt me; it hurts easy child. K just has no idea how much damage he has done to his relationship with his son because he can't get over his anger/resentment of me. It's pretty sad.

 

[DDD]

Ex and I divorced in l969.......before most of you were even
born. He STILL is the only person on earth who can get under
my skin in a New York minute. He puts down our children for every perceived fault since birth BUT he brags to the world about
"his" successful kids. Even today as a gray=haired old version of his once goodlooking young self, he badmouths easy child/difficult child almost
ALL the time to everyone. It makes me angry that he knows exactly how to get to me so I try to ignore that he is alive.
Of course, that is harder since he retired and chose to move to
the little City where husband and I established our home base thirty
years ago. :nonono: Now he is flaunting his new found faith.
If I were he, I'd be afraid of Judgement Day! DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

Heather, easy child sounds like he's such a great kid - you've done really great! He's maturing and allowing himself to see his father for what he is.

My exh used to tell me that one day my daughters would leave me to be with him and that they'd see MY true colors, yadda yadda yadda! He is also still the one person who can drive me insane within 5 minutes. We manage to be civil and even have a laugh or two now, but it wasn't always that way. Ironically, all the things that drive me insane about him are all the things that easy child and difficult child complain to me about him!! Haha. True colors and all that, huh?

We also moved away from him and the girls' birthplace. It was the right thing to do. He resented it, but just like your exh, when he lived within 10 minutes of his dds, he never had the time of day for them anyway. His sister in law still resents me for moving away with my girls. We're only 3 hours away - no reason they can't come visit, vice versa.

It is what it is and you're doing the right thing. I've sacrificed a lot to meet my dds' needs and I'd do it all over again if I had to. Exh doesn't come through for them all the time, but I will die trying. And kids notice who is there and who has their back and loves them unconditionally. I know it hurts to see K turn his back on easy child and play head games with him, but easy child will be okay. Hugs~

 

[busywend]

in my humble opinion, there is no reason Exh can't send easy child a $1,000 check or whatever he was planning on spending and let easy child worry about how to get a car.

Fair is fair. He should have to put up for his child! We all have to make sacrifices. If he did it for one, he should do it for all.

 

[skeeter]

is there room on that shuttle for my ex, too? Oh, and can we send husband's ex along just for the heck of it?

I was "vindicated" when NF and his (now wife) came to me and point blank asked me how I could have stayed married to my ex for as long as I did. NL is also beginning to see his dad's "true colors".
Yes, it hurts to see them hurting, but at least they know that one parent loves them unconditionally. That doesn't mean the ability to provide all their wants, and maybe not even all their needs. But it means that they have someone they can always count on.
And that's the important thing.

 

[flutterbee]

Wendy -

I agree with you 100%, but it will never happen because then he wouldn't have control over it. I'd just rather take him out of the equation completely.

This is the man who never called 6 year old easy child before 10pm on a school night. Then I put my foot down and told him that easy child is in bed and off the phone at 9pm. Period. Of course, that ticked him off so he would call at 9:01 and I'd tell him that easy child was in bed. He did that for a couple of weeks then would call at 8:57. That kind of thing. He's such a jerk.

And if he's going to do the same for all that he did for one, the check would need to be for about $10,000 or more. He got his step-daughter a very low mileage, 2 year old car.

And yes, I do believe there is room on the spaceship for the other ex's, too. If not, who cares? We'll just cram 'em in anyway.