easy child moved out

[TerryJ2]

difficult child has been violating easy child's privacy again and she left in tears last night for her friend's house. I suspect most of these items are recycled from the box I had thought I'd hidden in my ofc closet, in addition to some of easy child's, and don't know if difficult child is getting her things from the laundry or her room.

We all went to see Momix tonight (which was great, although difficult child did not understand any of the interpretive work, which was most of it. I can't find the home page but this one has a great video http://pcagreatperformances.org/2007-08/momix/)
difficult child was totally negative through the whole thing but I am glad we took him. He needs to be exposed to something besides PS2 (which is going to disappear tomorrow while he's at school).

Anyway, easy child spoke to husband and me privately, as we went in separate cars, and said she's not coming back. She met with-Dr. R this a.m. and he thinks it's a good idea for her to have some space. We are all going to meet with-him sometime soon, in addition to the regular appointment. I have with-difficult child.

I am very depressed and cannot focus right now. I'm so glad it's time to go to bed. And I do not have to do carpool in the a.m. And difficult child's lunch is already made.

I'm wondering if I can swap out my office for her bedroom. I just spoke to her on the ph and she liked that idea. There's a lock on the door and electric heat in here. It will be a monumental task and I will hire a handyman to do it. (I just blew a bundle of $ on the Momix tix but heck, that's what credit cards are for. )
I'm tempted to hire a handyman to rip out the doorframe of her room, but frankly, this is easier. It's just moving stuff around. Plus, she'll have heat. She has heat in her room but with-crummy insulation, it's like no heat at all.

She is coming home for dinner tomorrow night and the 4 of us will discuss the issue and make sure that difficult child understands the impact he has had on her.
She has always been his idol. I don't want to throw him into a major depression, but I think he may need a bit of shock therapy (excuse the expression). I know it will take a while to sink in.

One part of me wants to wring his neck, because easy child is the light in our lives--always singing, the happiest person you would ever want to meet--and he has impacted her so much in these 12 yrs, and I feel like we're losing the good part of our lives. But on the other hand, I have an obligation to difficult child, too, and cannot give up on him. He is too young to understand all the nuances of this. I feel like I'm being torn in two.
The good part is that easy child has a car and she's in school, and she is safe with-friends. I am calling her friend's mom tomorrow to straighten out details, and calling her boyfriend's mom to give her a heads-up to let her know that easy child is on the loose. Well, hey, I'm still a mom and I'm not brain dead.

 

[susiestar]

Terry, I am sorry you are hurting. I can totally understand easy child's decision that she needs some space to make decisions about this. Some time away from difficult child and the problems. It is very nice of her friend's mom to let her stay with them.

And very wise of you to clue in her boyfriend's mom.

Now, about difficult child.

The first time it happened, many theories for why were suggested. And any of them maybe could have been true.

But now, it has been 3 times that I remember. It is definitely an obsession, and most likely there is a sexual component to it. And stealing the neighbor's underwear is one thing. It violates boundaries, but not social mores.

But stealing your sister's underwear, and using them for whatever got them wrapped around his underwear, THAT violates some social taboos.

It is a sign that he NEEDS some intense therapy. AND he probably needs medication to help handle this. If it is an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior, SSRi medications are most often used. Wiz was 12 when he went on increased doses of SSRI's (NOT ZOLOFT - after about 3 months on zoloft his aggression went totally out of control). He has been on Luvox (described to me by both the psychiatrist AND the pharmacist who had never met the psychiatrist as "Prozac on Steroids") since he was 13 and it really helps him control his obsessions. He still has to work on it, but the obsessions are not overwhelming and taking over his everyday life anymore.

I don't know what medications your son is on, or reacts to positively. I will say if they try to rx effexor for him say NO very determinedly. It has side effects that are terrible, and if you are even 30 minutes late for a dose you go into withdrawal. Prozac and luvox are in the body longer, so if a dose is late you don't head into withdrawal.

You need to look for a sexual offenders therapy group. You may find one through DHS or through a domestic violence shelter. Wiz was in one at the psychiatric hospital he was in for 4 months. And nothing in the group got through to him until another boy just about his size punched him in the face for denying what he was doing was sexually abusing jessie. (he was following her into the bathroom and making fun of her body, and once he went into the bathroom while she was in the shower and made horrible comments about her body - it was one way he "punished" her for telling me something he did that was unsafe.).

Your son is 12. He IS old enough to understand that his actions affect everyone in the family. He is especially old enough to understand that taking his sister's underwear is especially bad and makes everyone in the family feel terrible and angry.

He is also old enough to understand incest.I am willing to bet that other kids have filled him in on a LOT more than you want him to know.

I am very sorry. But as he continues to do this, it is time to take some serious actions. It is a serious problem, not "experimenting" or due to some "sensory" reason.

I know you will do what is best for the entire family, including your daughter. Sending hugs and support. I KNOW this is very hard.

 

[klmno]

I'm sorry Terry. I know your hurt and probably confused and your family is in turmoil. I sincerely hurt for you. I hope you can look further and find out with more comfort that the aspie lite and ODD is all there is going on with him.

As I posted before, my son went a few months and periodically, I would find some of my old lingerie taken and hidden. The, once he crossed the major "puberty line" it stopped. But, he still has a period of compulsions for sexual stuff- porn on the net basicly. I don't know what's going on with your son, but I hope you look and find out what it is behind it and get him some help before this gets worse.

 

[flutterbee]

I'm sorry, Terry. I know there have been times Devon has wanted to move out. Having a difficult child is so hard on everyone.


(((hugs)))

 

[Kjs]

awwww Terry I am sorry. It is so hard when they leave.

When easy child went to college difficult child was 5. He was his idol too. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Give him a hug and drive away. difficult child was crying. To this day difficult child said that was the saddest day of his life.

Then...easy child moved home. Then he moved out, then he moved home, then he moved to Madison, then he moved home....Now he is living with friends - but is home more often than not the past month. He will be 26 next Monday. So it's been 8 years of in and out. difficult child texts him a lot and easy child is really good at sending replies. Then there are the days when we turn down our street and difficult child says "OH C R A P" Cause easy child's car will be in front. So, they each need their space.

Hey - I am with you on the crummy insulation deal. I though we were the only ones with crummy insulation. It is sooo cold in the bedrooms. Let me know if you do something about that because I don't know what/how to do this.

 

[Andy]

I am so sorry. My difficult child and easy child are very close to yours in age. I know how difficult child can be a great pest. And then to add one behavior that crosses another privacy line has to be awful. We allowed our easy child to put a lock on her door a few years ago as long as she gave me the key. Her room is locked only when she is not home.

I also understand the "they are BOTH my kids, I need to look out for both of them" feeling.

It does help to know that your easy child has a safe place to go.

 

[ML]

I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I'm glad easy child is taking steps to take care of herself and asserting her needs.

I too know you will find the right resources to help difficult child.

You are a great mom! Hugs, ML

 

[aeroeng]

We were fortunate enough to purchase an investment property not too far away. We are in the process of repairing it. Because of my difficult child's (13) explosions ended up in huge battles with his brothers we moved all his stuff in to it. My husband and I take turns staying with him. Living like this is frustrating, but it has brought peace to the other two (10 and 15). My youngest is recovering well from his self discouragements and is doing much better in school. The oldest seems happier and explains my difficult child's problems much better. Last week difficult child had several explosions. But because no one was around to fight with there were no fights. He calms down in about an hour and them apologies. (last year the anger would last 3 days or more, and never an apology). For the first time he is starting to take responsibility for his actions. Something he never did before. We also have more peaceful time to talk with him and try to develop strategies to work through the issues.

In short, it is frustrating but the separations seems to help. We do get together, just not long enough to let it build. Hang in. It is hard but you are doing the best possible.

 

[DaisyFace]

Good Morning, Terry--

I feel so very sorry for you as the Mom...because I know this must be hurting you terribly.

However, I feel kind of relieved for easy child. It must be a weight off her shoulders to know that she has someplace safe to "escape" from all of these home stresses--while still being near her family and friends.

And I do agree with SusieStar...he should be old enough to understand the seriousness of his actions--however, with so many of our difficult children, there is often a disconnect between what they "should" understand and what they actually seem to comprehend. I wouldn't be ready to consider him a sexual offender just yet--but I would be pressing hard for professional help so that it does not go any further in that direction.

I want to type something here that would make you feel so comforted--but I'm not sure what that would be...just know that I am keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

--DaisyF

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your support.

I am making dr appts right now.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Terry,

I'm so sorry - I really don't have anything to add to what the others have already said. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you... WFEN

 

[susiestar]

Terry, I just re-read my post and I didn't make something clear. I don't think your difficult child necessarily "gets it" that he has crossed some lines in taking his sister's underwear - the social taboo is about that. I think he CAN understand it, but it may need to be explained very carefully and clearly for him to understand. he may even think that because he is adopted that this doesn't apply to him (the taboo).

Also, he is NOT a sexual offender, but this kind of behavior can escalate to that point. With Wiz we had him in a group for sexual offenders as he, like your difficult child, was at the beginning levels of this. The therapist explained sexual offender behavior as being like a ladder. At the first rungs you have things like the way Wiz made fun of Jessie and her body, and the way your son is taking the underwear. As the behavior worsens, they "climb the ladder" and become more and more of a sexual predator.

The goal of the treatment group Wiz was in was to stop the young men from going any further on that "ladder", and to convince them they wanted to get OFF the ladder. I don't know how any other patients from this group are doing (this was a group that was help INSIDE the residential psychiatric hospital Wiz was in), but Wiz has TOTALLY turned around on the way he abused jessie. And he is not abusing anyone else this way, so the groups CAN work if you can find one.

I am sorry if I made it sound like your difficult child is fully aware of what he is doing and is a full-fledged sexual predator. he isn't. I actually would be willing to bet he doesn't think the social rules about incest apply to him and your easy child.

Sorry I was unclear.

Hugs,

susie

 

[TerryJ2]

Thanks, Susie. Good points.

We will definitely approach it from all angles, and let the therapist lead the way.

I DO think my difficult child can "get it." He's come a long way, and it seems to take him a good 5 yrs to get things that my easy child got when she was a toddler. But eventually, he does.

The handyman is coming over in a hr to give me an estimate for the door/frame/lock/insulation.
I made 5 appts with-the therapist for the next 3 wks.
I had a nice chat with-easy child's boyfriend's mom.

Onward and upward.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Terry,
I'm glad too that easy child has a place to go. My easy child/difficult child 2 was the younger sibling so she couldn't escape and began dissociating to cope with her older sister. Now that difficult child 1 has been out of our house for 2 1/2 yrs they have a much better relationship and are able to be quite close because of the huge distance in miles between them. I don't think difficult child 1 fully comprehends how mean she was but she does feel bad about it to some extent. She is able to be a good big sister now.

It's awful, isn't it, to have to be caught between the two?

Take care,
jane

 

[ThreeShadows]

Ah, Terry! Our wonderful easy child (light of our life, always singing) can hardly wait to become an only child. When she was 10 I confronted difficult child 2 because he kept on calling her "fat". He told me that he wanted to see how long it would take to get her to become bulimic! I also caught him tickling her in his room. I read him the riot act. I, too, have wondered if the lack of blood ties made him think his behavior was acceptable. Thank God he's out of the house!

 

[gcvmom]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry it's come to this for easy child, but I completely understand her need to be safe. I hope the therapist can teach difficult child so that he "gets" it.

(((Hugs)))

 

[TerryJ2]

So, the handyman can install a new lock on her door with-o having to rip out the frame. He is doing it now. Woo hoo!

I am calling the heating company to see if we can extend the radiant heat in her rm (it's oil, and then goes to baseboard heaters in the rooms).

I think, after her little "vacation" and more therapy, she will come home to stay, until she leaves for good in August.

 

[Nancy]

Hi Terry,

I just wanted to let you know I read your post and can relate so well. My easy child is 22 and in college but feels much the same I believe as yours. She has come home on breaks and left in tears to stay with friends becasue of issues with difficult child. It breaks my heart that she doesn't feel safe or happy in her own home. I too put a key lock on her door so we could keep her things safe.

I don't know what we are going to do next year. easy child will be coming home to spend her last year student teaching. difficult child will be turning 18 and have told her she needs to make other living arrangements because she has insisted on chosing a lifestyle that we do not and cannot support.

Hugs to you. I know you are torn between your easy child and your difficult child.

Nancy

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you, Nancy.
Can your difficult child hold a job? That would keep her busy and out of her sister's hair for a few hrs every day, and with-any luck, they will have opposite schedules.

 

[DaisyFace]

I think, after her little "vacation" and more therapy, she will come home to stay, until she leaves for good in August.

Sounds good! Keep your fingers crossed!!