easy child not taking his medications

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    So before easy child went to live with his dad a month ago, I made him sign an agreement that stated that he would continue to give my son his Focalin every day while he is attending school. My ex signed the agreement no problems no questions asked. I just found out from my son that my ex has not given him one single pill, not ever. I freaked out. I texted ex right away and stated that I knew easy child was not on medications, and I reminded him that easy child is a straight D/F student without his Focalin and he is a straight A student as long as he takes his medications. I told him that it is imperative that he takes his ADHD medications on a regular basis for him to be a success in school. Ex's only response was, "I am taking care of him quite well." His response infuriated me. I stressed from day one to him how severe his ADHD really is. How badly easy child struggled in school before getting on his medications. How his self esteem was so poor when he was getting bad grades. How proud easy child was of himself when he got straight A's and made the honor roll last semester. I thought I did everything in my power to make sure he knew that easy child needed his Focalin.

    Turns out everything I told him went in one ear and out the other. So now I have placed phone calls to both the case carrier and his guidance counselor. I am waiting to hear back from them. When easy child first started school there I talked to his counselor and he agreed to put him on a 30 day interim placement and to have an IEP meeting afterward to discuss his placement/progress. It's been three weeks since my son has started school so his IEP should be within the next week or so. I plan on taking half a day off work to attend the IEP. I don't know if his dad will be attending or not, since he told me last time I talked to him that easy child should be a "normal kid" and shouldn't have to have an IEP. Now I feel guilty for sending easy child over there. I am anxiously awaiting to hear back from his case carrier and counselor.

    I feel bad that I waited this long to contact anybody from the school. I should have checked on him earlier and I should have asked my son from day one if his dad was giving him his medications. I just wrongly assumed that since his dad signed a little piece of paper and since we had our little talk that he was doing what I asked of him. Never again will I make assumptions. And my ex just got through telling my daughter a few weeks ago that she was a hopeless cause and that it was too late for her to become a success. He told her that her brother still had a chance to make it, and that's why he took him in to live with him. Because he still has a chance in life. So now difficult child feels like a total failure. And despite my ex claiming he wants to be a positive role model in my son's life, he is sabotoging him by not doing what is best for his education. If I find out my son is struggling in school and his grades have gone down, I am taking him back. Pure and simple. Legally I still have full physical custody. I am just hoping it doesn't get to that point. But **** me for not checking up on him sooner.
  2. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Was hoping to get a response but guess not. Counselor called and said he is getting an A in study skills and a C in history. Math, science, and language art grades are currently unavailable. I got a password and access to his online grades so I can check those, as well as his teacher's email addresses so I can check with them to see how he is doing. IEP was this morning. I was never notified. School said they didn't notify me because ex never gave them my address. Ex said he never notified me cause it was "just a formality" and "not a big deal." Even though I had him sign an agreement that I would be notified of all IEP's and teacher's conferences. So they held it without me. The school is going to send me a copy in the mail now that they have my address. So that's it. Was hoping for some feedback but oh well.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    CB... I had nothing to say, so I didn't say it.

    Your situation is extremely fluid. Decisions get made very quickly. Planning is a luxury...
    But with difficult child kids... the reverse is needed.
    Given your situation and your X's situation... what difficult child needs and what is possible, may not come anywhere close to meeting.

    But pulling him right back into YOUR situation isn't necessarily the answer either.

    I haven't walked in your shoes. (husband and I have over 20 years together).
    I'm not dealing with your particular challenges (I have my own).
    Anything I would say, therefore, really doesn't apply.

    Sorry I can't be more help on this. From where I stand, there simply IS no good answer.
  4. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Fair enough, InsaneCdn. Thanks for your reply. I'm still waiting to hear when his annual IEP is scheduled so at least I will go to that. Ex is still being an ass and treating me like I don't have a right to be involved, but at least I have the school on my side now. As for difficult child, she has me to make her feel like a success. Her dad's opinion of her? Well hopefully she will disregard it as a bunch of nonsense. Cause that's what it is.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    You do have full custody still, so if the school fails to inform you of meetings in the future, call them and not your ex about it. Let it be clear (politely but FIRM) at the school that indeed he is with the ex at this time but you retain full custody. Can you speak to the nurse, as custodial parent, and insist your son be given his medications at least in the morning at the beginning of the school day immediately upon arrival? The fact that you retain full custody means regardless of residence address, the school must follow what you say. I wouldn't try to trump other stuff your ex does with the school, but being involved in meetings and informed of school problems, and medications for school are very important to your sons success and for those two things, I believe you should dig your heels in. On the other hand, if the school balks because ex pitches a fit and they refuse to trump ex on giving medications and the meetings, you really are in a terrible position. I don't think yanking him back is a great solution, but having a full time parent ignore serious issues isn't a great solution either. Rock, meet hardplace :(
  6. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I agree with-Mattsmom. If you're custodial parent and you fill out paperwork to have the medications administered in school, don't they have to do it? Cut out the middle man, so to speak.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Please put in writing as we suggested before...that you are his legal guardian/parent and all notices, flyers, grade reports, emails, are to be addressed to you as well as ex.
    This must be on record. Leaving it to ex is silly. :eek:)

    I know i discussed with you that if we knew there were two separated parents we sent everything in duplicate.

    Remind then that sending notices home with easy child is not acceptable either. It needs to be mailed to you. It is not a hard thing to do.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Also ask for the notes for the last iep and make sure no changes are made without your input. Do not sit and wait for the next meeting. You do tend to hope that things will be ok, then have to react. I'm not saying that to be rude, i get that way when overwhelmed, so it is an observation.

    And you are right, it would be good for you personally to call his teacher weekly to see how things are going. To touch base. That also builds up a relationship that is not based on what ex says to them. Do not put down ex to them.... In case you ever do have to fight for easy child to come back. Just state your case.

    The best predictor of future behavior is past. I am not surprised by husband's behavior, he told you that is how he felt.
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2013
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well I just emailed his case carrier to see how he is doing so far. I checked his grades online and the only ones available so far are study skills, social studies, and PE. I also asked her to let me know when the annual IEP will be taking place. He is due for one by the end of next month. So I will be going to that. I should be getting a copy of the IEP from yesterday in the mail by this weekend. I spoke with the assistant principal, and he told me to go over the papers and see if I agree with his current goals and expectations. He told me that if I disagree with anything, we can meet again and do it over. So I will read this weekend and see how it goes. Ex attended the IEP by phone. I asked him how everything went. I didn't expect him to say much, and he didn't. He just told me that they are basically keeping everything the same as last year. So I will read it over and see if I agree with everything and I am still waiting to hear back from the case carrier.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Good, sounds like they got your message. :)
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    easy child getting his medications at school is a good idea.
  12. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Case carrier emailed me back and says he is doing fine in his general ed classes. He has no problems focusing and he is doing well. Still no grades available yet. Hopefully they will come shortly. As long as my son is doing fine with paying attention, I am okay with him not taking his medications. I will be monitoring his grades closely, and if I see that they are starting to slip I will speak to the school about him resuming his medications. For now, I am okay with no medications if it seems like they aren't necessary. She did report that easy child is exhibiting some odd behaviors in class. Inappropriate communication with other students, touching, staring, etc. She addes a goal to his IEP for him to work on his social skills. So I am going to read over the IEP this weekend and see if I agree with everything. The case carrier says that the IEP was both the 30 day IEP and the annual IEP. So there will be no other meeting this year unless I request it. I will read the current IEP and schedule a meeting if necessary. For now it sounds like he is doing well.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    some of the inappropriate communication with the other students can be... the result of not being on the ADHD medications. Some of us can actually handle life pretty good without medications but it takes a huge effort, and the first place it shows up for ME is... social skills.
  14. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I just assumed his Asperger's was the reason for his lack of communication skills, since he still struggled in that area with ADHD medications. I never thought it could be ADHD related, but maybe I'm wrong. It is something they are working on with him and hopefully it improves. For now I'm okay with no medications but if I see he really starts to struggle I will step in. She also says he has made a few friends and seems happy so that makes me feel good.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It can be "all of the above"... the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) traits may show up more when he's mentally tired, because it takes more mental effort to manage those traits into socially acceptable responses. In other words, you've done a great job of teaching him the missing skills, but he can't always apply them... and some of that is just an inherent inconsistency, and some of it is being in a new situation (much higher stress... ), and some of it is just "executive function" management.

    I'm learning to assume NOTHING... because there's just too many other explainations for just about everything.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    My nephew doesn't like his adhd medications because he says the other kids think he is funnier without them.

    In other words, he is more impulsive, inappropriate and gets into more trouble because teachers are patient with that stuff at first but they get sick of it, they are less patient and that alone can then start to affect grades.

    I'd push for medications not only of grades are affected but if behavior is an issue. As he gets older there is less and less tolerance, kids catch on and tease, punishments increase and self esteem can decrease. Better to catch that early in my humble opinion.