easy child turning difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sosotired, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. sosotired

    sosotired New Member

    easy child has been an unhappy person before but lately, last 5 months or so, it's gotten worse and worse. I read another post today about a difficult child that is impossible to talk to. That's my was-easy child. Never happy, never nice, complains about everything. This morning, I made pancakes. I called to her that I made pancakes. No answer. She often ignores me so I figured fine, she doesn't want any. She comes to the kitchen, "Where's my pancakes? Typical, you never make me anything." I ignored it. She made herself pancakes. She asked me if we could go shopping. I said sure. She asked me if I washed the jeans yet. I said no, they were going in the washer next. She says "Typical, you never wash the jeans first. You never wash what I need." I said "I know, I'm such a terrible mother." Her reponse "Yeah, you are.". I lost it on her. An argument ensued. I tried to talk to her about why she's so angry "I don't know", why she's so hateful to me and her brother "I don't know", if she wants to go back to counseling "I don't know", if she understands how she makes the people around her feel when she acts like this "I don't know" with that lovely defiant, what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it look on her face.

    I decided to go shopping anyways. We needed to put a special pair of pants on order for her for a school function. It has to be done by Weds and I don't have time to do it at night after work this week. I didn't plan on buying her anything anyways. We were walking around, her in a mood trailing me like a robot, total attitude. She said something, I reached out to grab her hand and she punched me in the stomach. I've never laid a hand on her. I looked at her with this shocked face and said "I can't believe you just did that". Her response? "I told you I didn't want to go".

    I'm just shocked. With all the problems I've had with difficult child, he's never laid a hand on me. I've always made it clear that physical violence is unacceptable. I ignored her the rest of the time. I took her phone away. She cried and apologized in the car. Her younger difficult child saw it. The last thing I need is him thinking when he's bigger, it'd be ok to hit me. I'm just in shock and not sure what to do from here. That went way, way far over the line for me.
  2. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    Whoa! She went over the line. I'm not sure what to tell you.

    Is she in counseling?

    I'd have her do her own laundry.
  3. SophiaMaria

    SophiaMaria New Member

    Oh wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.
  4. Oh my :-( I am so sorry this happened to you. I know firsthand how it feels to be hit by your own child. I hope that you are able to stop her from comtinuing this behavior. I feel sure that someone will be better able to help you with this in the morning when there is more traffic on this site.

    Keep that phone for awhile. It sounds like her prized possession. I would consider taking more than just the phone. This is very serious and she needs to know you are not taking this lightly. I know I have a hard time gaging what my difficult child's punishments should be. I am too easy on him at times.

    Again, so sorry this has happened :-(
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry this has happened. I would definitely have her headed back into counseling. Gentle hugs.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Time to go back into counselling. If she says, "I don't need it," then tell her that YOU need her there so she can work out why she hit you, explain so YOU understand and make sure it will never happen agian, not to you, not to anybody.

    The "I don't know" responses are typical teen not answering tyhe question. She may not know, but she's also not trying to think about the answer, either.

    You went shopping to buy something she needed. She should have been cooperative and appreciative. There has to be a reason for tis attitude and frankly, I would have sat in the car, in the car park (her tears or no) and waited until I got some sort of answer and acknowledgement that she knew she had behaved badly.

    "I told you I didn't want to go" - does this mean she was prepared to go to this school event without the trousers she needed?

    I think you did exactly the right things with the pancakes and the jeans. It's logical. If she wants her jeans washed as a priority, then SHE knows where the washing machine is, doesn't she? And while she's putting her jeans in, she can make it a full lod and add in other stuff that can go in with them. Even if it's only her stuff, that's OK because it's stuff YOU don't have to do.

    Next time she says, "you never do anything for me," make a detailed list of all you have done, beginning fomr Day 1. Or if that is too much then make a list of everything you have done for her, this week. Or just this day. And ask her to match you, item for item. And "not arguing with Mum" does NOT qualify!

    Hang in there. Teenage years are rough.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she's seventeen, you have a bit more leverage. Does she have a driver's license? The phone wouldn't have been enough for me. I would have gone for the jugular, the driver's license. You could force her to see a therapist. I don't know any that will see a child if the child won't go willingly though. I hope you have better luck with that than I did. My daughter, who took drugs at one time, got thrown out of counseling often for refusing to talk to the therapist.

    Does she work part-time or does everything come easy for her? I can't say that it totally kept my daughter out of trouble, but all of my kids worked part-time by sixteen and all of them paid their own car insurance (for us, that was about $30 a month added to our insurance) and gas and,if there had been cell phones back then, probably would have had to contribute to that too. I was newly married to a very sweet but NOT rich man and didn't have enough money to give them much beyond a roof over their heads and food. In the long run, all three of my grown kids have amazing work ethics and do not have that sense of entitlement from me that so many grown kids seem to have.

    I also start teaching the kids to do their own clothes by age 13. My 13 year old daughter washes her own stuff. Then it comes out the way she wants it to. My son, who has Aspergers, is 16 and does his own clothes once a week. Neither complain about it. And they can't yell at me for doing it wrong if they do it. Ditto for food. If they don't like dinner, they cook for themselves. I don't mind if they don't eat my dinner, but I won't cook two seperate times.

    Frankly, I would tell her that if she ever hits your again, you'll have to call the police. Yes, she will be shocked, pout, and talk about how she hates you, but she has no right to touch you. Are you planning on paying for college for her? Tell her your help is dependent upon her respect or else she can do what my sister did...work and pay herself.

    Of course, if she mellows out, none of this has to happen, but I'm a big believer in "You get what you earn and deserve." My one daughter who went wrong with drugs came around and has been clean now for many years and we are very close. But she had to hate me a lot first!
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  8. sossotired,

    I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Everyone has given you great advice and I don't really have more to add. Counseling could definitely help here.

    Our easy child occasionally will come out with a zinger as well. He'll usually apologize after a while, but it hurts all the same. A lot of the problem with him is jealousy of the attention difficult child gets - even at his advanced age. For example, I brought difficult child some cookies from a function I attended this weekend. I didn't think of offering easy child any because he wasn't around and has been watching his weight. The next day, he asked me if I would get him some cookies when I went to the store. Coincidence - I don't think so!

    Frankly, I think the line between our easy child and our difficult child kids can be small and each move back over the line from time to time. I will say, it's hard to the sibling of a difficult child, no doubt about it!

    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  9. sosotired

    sosotired New Member

    Thanks to everyone for the hugs and suggestions.

    She's been in counseling before but is not currently. Obviously, I called first thing this morning to start that back up!

    I did take her phone, although she had it today so that she can text me when practice is over so I can pick her up. I didn't have time to argue this morning so it will be mine again tonight, for good. I'm not sure if I'm going to shut it off just yet or just hold onto it. She is also not allowed to go anywhere / do anything outside of school. I haven't decided how long yet (a month is coming to mind though).

    She does not drive yet (still has a learners permit) and does not work. I think the license will wait until the attitude improves too.

    She is most definitely jealous of her brother. He does get more attention (due to his issues and constant problems with school) but I always try to balance it out and do things with her too.

    I wonder when my little girl has gone. Heck, I wonder where my mouthy but reasonably well behaved teenager from just a few months ago went!!
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm short on time but I had a couple of thoughts...

    1) get one of those firefly phones that you can only program a few select numbers into if its easier for you for her to have a phone (I understand this).

    2) when my easy child 1 is asked a question like "do you want to go____", if he says "No" it means "no". If he says "I don't care" it means "not no" (he admittedly has trouble asking for or readily accepting help).

    Hope you're getting her into the counselor. Hugs.
  11. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    I have had some issues with easy child now 22....could it be the jealousy thing
    and they are venting their anger at us poor parents? The difficult child do take up
    a lot of time even though we do our best to spread ourselves around everone

    This boy is normally ok with everyone except me when he starts!

    I just have to deaw back but then hes a Occupational Therapist (OT) older than your easy child...hearbreaking stuff