easy child went to grandma's

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by FlipFlops, Jun 18, 2009.

  1. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    I've been reading a thread the last couple of days about a 14 yr old stepson that is really over the top and needs to leave the house. I read about what he does and can't keep from wondering if that is my future if I do not place my difficult child somewhere. When I first found this sight a few years ago I read about people having to put their difficult children in a psychiatric hospital, or call the police, and I knew that was coming. Someone posted on the other thread about once you get difficult child out of the house the other kids start telling you about all the things difficult child did to them and what you thought you knew was only the beginning.
    My difficult child is almost 11 now and a very big kid. My youngest easy child is 8, and teeny tiny. This morning I went outside for less than 4 minutes and came back in to easy child crying and difficult child in the floor with a big red spot on his leg. difficult child's story: difficult child was poking at easy child with foot. easy child asked him to stop. difficult child claimed to be stretching (you and I know he was just trying to annoy him). easy child hit difficult child on bottom with remote. difficult child slapped easy child in face. easy child hit difficult child on leg with remote. difficult child took remote away. I come in around then. When I tried to ask easy child what happened he just got under the blanket and shut down.
    easy child has started hitting lately, and shutting down too. The shutting down bothers me more than the hitting. Not that the hitting is acceptable or anything like that. But I imagine he is just trying to dish out what he gets served. The shutting down bothers me because I think it is more of an indication of emotional trauma. The hitting could be too, but I am worried about the shut downs. I could be wrong, but if you are hitting you still think you are worth fighting for. If you shut down, you've decided you don't matter.
    difficult child had yoga today and I took the opportunity to ask easy child about difficult child's behaviors toward him. easy child went from us playing tic tac toe fun mode to shut down and draw on the paper. Wouldn't talk. Wouldn't shake head yes or no. No eye contact...I wrote yes and no on the paper and told him just to point to one. He was reluctant at first but eventually started writing his own words or sentences. What I found out is that difficult child has choked him, about 10 times. He is scared of difficult child. He thinks life would be better if difficult child was not here. That difficult child does have something wrong with him. THat difficult child might get help somewhere else. Denied any touching on privates.
    I am so resentful of difficult child. I'm am tired of watching him destroy everyone around him. This is the part where you guys tell me, well then do something. We have already been in the process of enrolling difficult child somewhere and he goes to a camp in July. And there are a lot of other things that we have done trying to do accomplish him getting better.
    I know he has something wrong, but I'm tired of that point. It is still terrible for all the innocent bystanders/victims that he bulldozes! I have had the worst feelings for difficult child over the last 6wks than ever. It suddenly makes perfect sense why in the way back when days if a defective child was born they took it out to the wildness and left it. They did not have the resources to put enough energy into that child because if they did, the rest of the family could not survive. I feel like I have to "sacrifice" difficult child in order for the other two to make it out okay.
    Things have come to our attention lately that make it crystal clear that the easy child's are being negatively affected by the chaos and turmoil. 13 yr old girls should not have to call 911 because mom is getting attacked by her brother. And they certainly shouldn't have to still be doing it two years later. Youngest easy child had to do it once also.
    So, youngest easy child went to grandma's today and will probibly stay until July. Oldest easy child is already out of town visiting bio dad. I can fend for myself if needed, but it is too hard to try to do it and protect the others as well. Not to mention, 8 yr old easy child has already been overexposed to difficult child's violence.
    Thanks for listening. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
    Lasted edited by : Jun 18, 2009
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish I had some great advice. It is so sad and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've often wondered what effect difficult child's violence to me has had on easy child. I just want to send supportive hugs to you tonight.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You are a very wise woman. I know you don't feel that way now, that you feel lost and desperate and, if you are like me, like a fool for not seeing the abuse easy child got/gets from difficult child.

    I am sending you SuperSpecialBTDT Hugs. These are not your ordinary everyday hugs. These are hugs that wrap you in comfort and that safe feeling you get when someone you love and who loves you wraps you in their arms and lets you have permission to not handle things for a few minutes.

    Why do I think you are wise? First because you can see what is going on in your home for what it is and you are fighting to find ways to help your kids.

    Also because the yes/no on the paper for your little easy child to point to. And for realizing what questions to ask and for KNOWING he needed a break. sending him out of the strike zone is a good idea.

    I think you should go to a domestic violence shelter or 3 to see if they can help you. Maybe just with free counselling and support or maybe with more. I know the DV here was an amazing source of comfort and support for me after I insisted Wiz leave our home (not our family or our hearts, just our home).

    You need to take easy child to the pediatrician to start the ball rolling to get some help for HIM set up. Contacting child protective services (cps or whatever they call it where you are) is an important step. You or the pediatrician will HAVE to report this. It IS child abuse, even when the abuser is also a child. It will look better coming from you, or at least from the pediatrician that you ASK to call. Our pediatrician was very supportive. She made SURE that cps knew that I notified her and had already taken steps to have jessie and thank you in therapy and already had Wiz in the psychiatric hospital for long term.

    Write out a safety plan - what you and the kids will do if he rages, hurts, abuses whatever. I actually got an alarm for Jessie to wear around her neck for the few days until we got Wiz in the psychiatric hospital. I also got a door alarm that screeched if anyone opened the door to either of their rooms. And we let Jess sleep with us so she could actually feel safe.

    However things go, CPS must be alerted. if you don't, then eventually someone at school will. That could cause you to lose the other children (not difficult child, they don't want to remove him because it would be hard to find a place for him. they threaten to take your other kids because you didn't keep them safe. It isn't the right thing, because you can only protect them from things you know about.) and face legal and/or criminal charges.

    The kids and you all need to see therapists. You may or may not want to look into medications for anxiety and depression for all or some of you. In the thick of things medications really helped Jessie. Not to mention me!

    Stick to the instincts that led you to question easy child the way you did. Make sure he can talk to a therapist. And get him to the doctor and report the abuse to cps.

    It is so hard to do. But you are not doing it alone. We are here with you in spirit. We are sending you strength to follow through with what you know needs to be done.

  4. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    Thanks Susie and WipedOut. Susie you gave lots advice and praised me on my "wisdom":redface:. You will be doubly "impressed" that I have already got some of those things in the works. I actually start my counseling with a local domestic violence center this afternoon. When I did my intake a couple of weeks ago we discussed the possibility of counseling for other PCs. I will proceed with that now as well. CPS, I have been investigated by them 2-3 times before. The first was just a pain in the booty neighbor. It was dropped. Second time school had to call because of bruises difficult child reported to them. Still had a good relationship with school at that time and they faxed me what they sent in and pointed out that they only did it because of legal obligations. After CPS talked with me and stuff they were actually trying to help me place difficult child. He was too young for all the places they told me about and I got tired of them giving me a number, I call, get rejected, call CPS back, and start again. I no longer have any fear of CPS. I have the paper trail from h*ll.
    We are working with the new Mental Health Court and have monthly meetings with the judge, weekly meetings with a probation officer and an MST person. I already tried to call the PO and next week is our meeting with the judge. The goal of the Mental Health Court and MST is to keep the child in the home. Working with them had been my choice and I had been hopeful about it. But, I think we are past that. Hopefully they will look at this and see we are not giving up and had not meant to waste their time and funding, but that difficult child needs something more than we can provide. For now I don't think I am going to just set up the counseling for PCs. Camp is around the corner and that will buy some more time to finalize placement out of the home. We are working with a couple of schools right now.
    Also, along with the shutting down, little easy child has started to be too attentive to me. I know that doesn't sound like a bad thing exactly, but I think he is too worried about my emotional state. The last two times he was going to go to grandma's it was like he looked at me wondering if I could handle things without his support. Had I said I didn't want him to go he would not have. I do not want him to carry me as an additional burden.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I am so sorry that you are going through this! Even though my child is older, is sounds as though you are many steps ahead of me in terms of getting help for your family. What a testiment to your parenting skill!! I still feel like I am asking a lot of dumb questions and getting nowhere fast....

    Sending ((((Hugs)))) and support.

  6. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    Daisy you said,"I still feel like I am asking a lot of dumb questions and getting nowhere fast....". Apparently that is the only way to do it. ;)
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    PJ, I sincerely hope you know I was SERIOUS about being wise. I know you don't feel it or see it now, but you are very wise.

    You proved it not only with the yes/no thing with shut down easy child, but by having the supports/therapy/ mental health court all in the works. It sounds like it is worth it to have easy child not in therapy now. Might overwhelm the entire family.

    I think you will probably NOT be the only family with a child who had to go out of mental health court and into an out of home placement. Hopefully they can help you find and fund the right placement.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing the right things. You have your warrior mom armor suit on and you:
    1.) got the other 2 kids safe for a bit
    2.) started to look for the help your difficult child needs.

    What more could anyone ask???

    Great job! You have to recognize these are difficult things that you are doing. But, you are doing them. Good mom!