easy child's afraid to have a difficult child~

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Aug 19, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    easy child was musing out loud the other day about how she's afraid to have children because she doesn't want a difficult child. She said something like "I don't want to have a bad kid...I would hope that it would be more like me...you know, do a couple of stupid things, but basically be good and do what you're supposed to do...and not hurt so many people, especially his or her parents". It broke my heart to hear her say that because I know it's due to what she sees going on with her difficult child sister. That she is so worried about a baby that doesn't exist yet.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    My easy child feels the same.
    It's heartbreaking. He doesn't want his home a war zone.
    I remind him that there are no guarantees. It's a roll of the dice most times.

    I get sad to think that his memories of his childhood are tarnished by difficult child behavior but it could be an abusive dad or some other major trauma. No one gets through life unscathed. I hope easy child doesn't use difficult child's behavior as an excuse for his own choices. My maternal hope is that the experiences will make him stronger, more understanding and kinder. Sigh.

    I doubt my easy child will have children. : (
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I also told easy child that there are no guarantees...I also told her that it's pretty much a toss of the dime...and that no matter what your plan is as a parent, things often go in their own direction - all you can do is guide, hang on and hope for the best. I also tried to help her understand that there is hope for her sister and that I am trying to remain hopeful that difficult child will one day grow up, wake up and become the person we all know she's capable of becoming. I reminded easy child of difficult child's many talents and the goodness she has in her heart - and that she's not "bad". And I also explained that very often these life experiences are what help us to become better people, whether you're the parent of a difficult child or a difficult child. She listened, but I don't think my words put her at ease.
  4. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    My younger dtr is also afraid she would have a kid like her sister. She says she is never having children. She often has said, "they aren't worth it." I sure understand her perspective!
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Heck, pcs aren't the only ones. Even Rob has said on numerous occasions that he hopes he doesn't have a kid like himself. lol

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    All I can say is.........I used to here that.

    I told my kids you get whatever God blesses you with. No child can truely be a "perfect child". And that knowing the potential for gfgdom is there, being watchful, and knowing what to do about it is more than half the battle should they ever have a difficult child.

    Since I have grandchildren............. :D I guess I made my point. lol

    Can't blame them for being wary though.
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I have this fear with easy child 1. Every time she acts selfishly or defiantly, I wonder if it is normal six-year-old only-child behavior or history repeating. I didn't know difficult child at age 6, we never had an only-child before, and it's been a long time since our last experience with six-year-olds, so it's hard to know what's normal and what's not. She can be very mouthy, greedy, and/or ungrateful at times, and I think sometimes I overreact out of fear. But usually she is as kind, sweet and cooperative as you could wish for.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd say you're dealing with the typical 6 yr old only child thing. :)

    But I do have to be careful not to overreact to normal range behavior too. Side effect of gfgdom.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wonder about this as well. Miss KT asked me if her kids would have ADHD because she does. I don't know what she really thinks about it, but I don't think she'd be able to handle it if she had a miniature Miss KT.
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's scary when you wonder if the 6yr old is going the difficult child route or if she is being 6yrs old. I was no way a difficult child but I recall being jealous of my baby sister and her attention. Consequently, I tended to ignore her or not share. We didn't have a lot but I know I didn't want to share anything with her including my friends. I was probably not a very easy child. I know I wasn't a warm fuzzy kind of kid. It wasn't until 13 or so that I got empathy and understanding. I wasn't an easy teen either. Mouthy, fiercely,independent but I was a good kid. Personality development, conscience and kindness were all traits that I developed over time and by choice. Some of this is basic personality and some of this was environmental.
    I'm still a little "thorny" and didn't really grow affection for this particular sister until my 40s but I think I earned easy child status.
    If you don't see what you would like in a 6yr old doesn't mean she won't be that way with time.
  11. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Looking back, I consider myself a easy child. Basically, a good kid. Though, I certainly wasn't easy, either. I got into trouble at times, did stuff I shouldn't have done, and was an especially mouthy teenager.

    Me and my younger sister were never close. I was treated like "the star" and didn't want to share any spotlight with her. I wasn't flattered when she wanted to be like me, I resented her attempting to infringe on MY territory.

    Some of the things I said to my Mother as a teenager? Just awful and I am (rightly so) ashamed of what I said now. Yet, I was very responsible holding a job, going to school, and NEVER getting into trouble. At home, I was surrounded by alcohol but it never occurred to me to abuse it. I lived with it through my Dad.

    So, spite of being a easy child, I certainly was no picnic to raise.
  12. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh, and Daughter has mentioned several times that she doesn't want to have kids. She's, for the most part, a easy child now. Yet, she looks back and sees the emotional toll it took on me bringing her up. It's nice that she has the capacity to appreciate that, sometimes. She still sees what I go through with Son-who is now entering puberty. She knows GFGdom is in the genes. She knows what her Dad put his Mom through. She's knows what my difficult child (former) brother put my Mom through.

    She's afraid and rightfully so. She has GFGdom coming at her from all sides genetically.

    I do let her know that she has as much chance at having a easy child as anyone else. Who knows? I adament I wasn't going to have kids until I met husband. Everyone that knew me in my early 20s was shocked to learn I had kids. I made no secret about it.

    That biological urge is very powerful. I'm proof of that.
  13. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I am concerned about my difficult child and the coming baby but there is a little part of me thinking she is going to see what it's like. Since she and boyfriend are both major difficult children and are not going to provide this child with much stability I predict she will have a difficult child herself and I can get a wee bit of satisfaction out of her kid giving her a run for her money.

  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Copper REFUSES to have a kid.

    Fine by me! I'm not ready to become a grandma. I'm not even 40 yet.

    Any time I hear her mention the possibility, I'll have her spend some "quality time" with Tink.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wiz is sure he doesnt' have the patience to be a dad, good or bad.

    Jess wants kids. Says she is pretty sure she will have a difficult child, but she will figure out ways to cope.

    thank you, well, he thinks girls are icky so he is sure he won't have kids. I plan to remind him of this logic when his is older. He flat out told me this when he heard jessie say something about "when we all grow up and have kids".

    I think that time and biology may change your easy child's mind. There are a whole lot of factors that go into whether or not each of us wants a child, and into whether or not we have children.

    You might ask questions to get her to think in-depth about it. I can remember being about 17 and telling my mom I didn't want to have kids because I might give them all this physical garbage. My mom asked me if I thought she should have not had me. My response was that she couldn't have known.

    Her answer to that was that I couldn't either. No one can know ahead of time what life holds for their children.

    Also, I know that I had NO say as far as having kids - god (or whatever you call your higher power) planned it all. Wiz and Jess were conceived with the help of 2 kinds of birth control AND the pill. thank you was conceived with the use of 2 kinds of birth control but with-o the pill. So, really, it was WAY out of my hands. Or husband's.
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Susie, your post made me laugh out loud at the age v. logic!

    When I was 10 I told my mother that I wanted to have 14 kids. I have no idea where I got that number from.

    When I was 14 I said I would never had kids.

    When I was 18/19 I said maybe I would have ONE kid.

    And when I was 23 I couldn't wait to have a baby. And then I did. easy child. As soon as I married exh, I went off the pill with an assurance by my then gyno I wouldn't get pregnant for at the every least 6 months to a year. Well, 4 months later - tada! The test was positive. And I conceived difficult child while breastfeeding, under the wrong assumption that I was pregnancy proof while doing so~
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Add Dude to the list of kids who say (and thankfully)


    and I think to myself, back to the day when i told the doctor - if castration was legal i think I would really stop the cycle in that family.
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    My easy child was the same way until recently when he became engaged to a lovely girl...(throwing salt over my shoulders, lighting candles and making sign of the cross here).
    This girl comes from a nice family and although no one is perfect, there are no difficult children in the immediate family. Interestingly, like all families, there is talk of distant relatives who are difficult children and although they are mentioned in a lighthearted way, no one says anything truly mean spirited.
    I think now easy child clearly sees (close up and personal) what having a easy child family is like (normal ups and downs) and would like the opportunity for this himself. He is finishing up college, remains on the dean's list and has worked so unbelieavably hard...I do hope this dream comes true for him.
  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Having a child is a **** shoot. Plain and simple on many planes. You might have a child with any number of issues. I remember being so concerned with that with my first child. Will he/she be mentally retarted? (I know that is an old phrase.) Will he/she be a jerk? Will he/she be nice? Is this going to be a picture book raising of a kid? It can be very scary.

    In the end, you just never know. You can raise multiple kids the same, but they all have their own uniqueness that they bring out. It's called 'rolling' baby.

  20. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Well, I was one of the ignorant ones who thought as long as I loved my baby everything would be fine. I had no idea that children actually had minds of their own from the very start. I was a great parent til I actually had kids! :) I was one of those people who wondered why parents couldn't "control" their kids. Boy, did I have a lot to learn!