easy child's dad about to put the last nail in the coffin

[flutterbee]

So, easy child's dad is a schmuck. I've always known that. I'm over it. easy child has always seen it, but it's his dad, Know what I mean?? I think it's about to get to the point where easy child has had enough.

easy child's dad (K) has always treated easy child like a second-class citizen. He didn't see easy child at all for a couple of years when easy child was little. Then decides to pop back into his life and of course it's my fault that easy child isn't falling all over him. So, then he starts sending letters highlighting the section of our divorce agreement that states something along the lines of not bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child (ironically, K's idea to have it included). I just laughed. I never had to say anything (and never would) to my son about his dad. easy child can see it for himself.

Anyway, when easy child was 7 or 8 his dad and him had to stay in a hotel room while easy child was visiting. Why? Because K's wife was jealous of easy child. easy child visited 3 times a year. Supposedly that got worked out and when easy child was visiting when he was 10, he called me very upset because his dad and step-mom were bad-mouthing me to him. I told him to let it go, that he and I knew the truth and it doesn't matter what other people say.

This summer, I couldn't make the drive (we meet halfway to do the kid exchange as his dad lives in Atlanta) and my mom couldn't make it the weekend K wanted easy child. So, K drove all the way up. He wanted easy child to stay in the hotel with him that night, but easy child didn't want to. Not an unreasonable request by his dad, but easy child is such a homebody. He rarely stays at friends...they usually stay here. And easy child always gets nervous at the beginning of visitation. So, K and easy child went to dinner then easy child wanted to come home. K told easy child, "You're mom really has you spoiled." I told easy child that it was a dig at me, not him. If it were a dig at him he would have said, "You're really spoiled." I then told easy child that it was unfortunate that his dad couldn't see past his issues with me to see who easy child really is.

So, easy child goes to Atlanta with his dad. This visit was no different than any other. They spend the entire time treating him as if he's a juvenile delinquent in the making (easy child may be a PITA at times, but he's a good person). They refuse to see him for who he is and try to make him into something he's not.

easy child turned 16 this summer. When his step-sister (K's step-daughter) turned 16, K got her a car...a fairly new one. K's wife (step-daughter's mom) doesn't work. On easy child's 16th birthday, his dad gave him $100. Then tells easy child that he feels like he's shorted him.

I had always planned on buying easy child a car, but with all of my health issues this year it's just not going to happen. So, easy child talks to his dad about getting a car. K just doesn't think it's going to be possible. One of his reasons? He doesn't think I'm very good at disciplining and that I wouldn't take the car away. He tells easy child this. First of all, he's wrong. Second of all, he's wrong. Third, his step-daughter had a $300 cell phone bill and she still has the phone and her car. But, I digress.

He holds these material things over easy child's head. If you move down here you could have a car and a cell phone and an ipod, etc, etc, etc. easy child told him that he would rather live here without all that than down there with it.

So...after that very long story...

K calls easy child earlier this week and tells him that he's going to email him a picture of the car he's thinking about buying him. easy child checks his email all day until he gets it. It's a picture of the little dinky car that they (K, wife and bio daughter) drove while they were recently in Mexico for a week. It's not a car he's considering buying. He was 'joking'.

easy child's reaction? He can't afford to get me a car, but he can go to Mexico. easy child is 16 years old. His dad has taken him on vacation with them once.

Had he not gotten his step-sister (who easy child is close with, by the way) a car, easy child wouldn't think this way. We chatted online the last 2 weeks easy child was there this summer and easy child was just going on and on about the things they say to him, how they treat him, what they think of him and how he had nothing to do. His dad didn't even bother to take a day off while easy child was there.

easy child never talks about his dad in a bad way to his friends. But, he's been telling them recently all of this stuff. I think he's about done.

 

[witzend]

Sounds like an egomaniac. I hope that easy child will consider the source. Obviously, easy child is old enough to decide he doesn't want to go on visits any more if they just make him miserable.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

OH I am so going through this with my easy child. I feel the pain. It has come to the point easy child will say things and I will tell her she said it not me and to remember that.

I have no real advice but to say if easy child knows then it is only a matter of time. I asked my easy child why she still goes for the visits (after age 14 she could make her own decision ) and she goes to see her half brother. She wants to make sure she has a relationship with him. Not her father or step but her half brother. She also tries to guide him while she is there (which is usually 3 times a year).

I could go on but with this being your post I won't because the only purpose would be just to let you know you are definately not alone. Sadly neither is easy child. In a couple years when your easy child can make up his own mind about visits etc then his father will find out how he did. Unfortunately the way it sounds though he will blame you. You know it isn't and easy child knows it isn't so that is what is important.

Good luck with this.

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

easy child loves his dad and has held out hope that his dad will see him for who he really is. His dad has never been that way with anyone.

And, you're right that I'll be blamed, but his dad lost the ability to bother me in that way a long, long time ago. After all these years (13), I'm still blamed for moving easy child 600 miles away. The fact that K hadn't seen easy child for a year before I moved seems to escape him.

He is an ego-maniac. Huge.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Heather}} - what an AS$H@L$! I know how much it hurts to sit by and watch this scum of a man humiliate easy child and try to make him feel 'less than' because of his own issues. been there done that>

I have a feeling that this is the beginning of some major detaching from exh for your son. That is truly sad, but necessary. I hope that you're able to lend easy child the support he needs to do this and he does need to do this. As easy child becomes an adult, he will be able to make decisions regarding his relationship with his father and it's okay. Exh will not like it and will most definitely blame you. You and easy child know better. Stand strong.

When my difficult child recently spent a few weeks with her dad, she complained about ALL the things that had me running for the hills 15 years ago! My easy child has already decided that come Christmastime, she will be staying in a hotel while visiting dear old dad.

We want everything to be 'okay' and warm and fuzzy, but unfortunately, it isn't always that way. Hugs to easy child. This is going to be a very difficult time for him.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry that your ex is such a jerk to his son. It sounds like you have raised a son who is strong and has good values and sound judgement, esp for his age.

Maybe this is his way of reducing the toxic people in his life, by cutting ex off from visits. It certainly seems that he sees how toxic your ex is.

Men can be so stupid (NOT a word I use casually) about their children, and divorced men seem to be more so.

Hugs,

Susie

easy child. I know that not all men are stupid about their kids, but many jsut seem that way.

 

[skeeter]

been there done that - too.

The kids DO know, and realize it in their own way. Mine did.

What finally clinched it for me was when they BOTH asked me (separately) how I could have stayed married to their dad for so long. The older one can only tolerate his father for about an hour, and that's only with other people around. The younger one still spends one week there, one week here - but he really doesn't enjoy himself, he feels it's his "duty".

 

[Star*]

Wynter,

FYI - ALL of those IM's you and he sent are very easily pulled back up and read, and misinterpreted.

My son is now 17. In 9 years of being out of harms way from violent x, my son has had one chance to talk to him and refused. Why? Kids figure things out on their own. OH, and I'm sure sending a brand new racing bicycle box with a used, worn out, crappy, rusted, bike in it was the last straw. DF saw it and told me before we gave difficult child the box we told him to appreciate WHATEVER he gets irregardless of what $$ is being spent elsewhere, but not even I was prepared for a bike in such horrid condition. difficult child took his rage out on it, beat it with a metal post and burned some of it and I said nothing.

So.....I understand about how your son feels. And; I too, digress - You have a smart young man, he'll figure it out, he'll be better for it and even though your Mom heart is breaking because you cant afford him the things you think all kids should have - he will survive. When he does get his own car? He'll take better care of it and in turn be a better driver and in turn worry you less.

It's all good depending on which side of the glass you look through.

(oh and FYI there's not a single part of me that will give any credence to my ex if he ever pulls a rabbit out of the hat or an automobile out of his...posterior.

Hugs
Star

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I will get kicked off the site if I try to sneak past the censors what I think of easy child's dad.

What a complete jerk. I am so sorry for easy child.

But he and you know better.

 

[everywoman]

I was your easy child. I watched my biodad raise other men's children. I watched him be their dad. Luckily, I had my grandfater. My pcson also experienced this kind of behaivor from his dad. Luckily, he had husband as a role model. Please make sure easy child has a good male role models in his life.

 

[donna723]

I'm another one who has been there done that. My son went through exactly the same thing. When he was a teenager, it broke my heart to see him go through alternately being hurt, disappointed, and angry at the way his father treated him, and it got even worse when we separated and then divorced. In our case, we also have a daughter who is five years older than our son. The ex was and STILL IS so partial to our daughter, I've actually run in to people who didn't even realize that we HAD a son in addition to the daughter he bragged about constantly! My son never discussed it much with me - and I tried. But I found out later that he did discuss it with a lot of his friends, and I was surprised at how open he was with others about his bad feelings about his dad.

Your son will probably do the same as mine did. He is 27 now and it took a long time and a lot of maturing and growing to the point where he could look at it from an adults point of view instead of like a hurt, angry kid. And he has finally reached a point where he knows that it wasn't HIS fault. He knows that his father has "issues" (to say the least!) and that it was not through any fault or shortcoming of his own. His father lives 800 miles away and he hasn't seen him in over three years. When he does, he is civil and respectful, but that's it! His father is simply not a part of his life. He is "indifferent" to his father now. "Hurt" or "angry" implies that you care, that it matters, and it doesn't anymore. "Indifference" is much worse. I doubt if he even thinks about his father very often. He could care less.

To say that it's his fathers' loss, is putting it mildly, and he doesn't even realize that he's lost his son! But that's what happens. And some day he will be old and needy and expect his son to be there for him, and he won't be. "We reap what we sow".

 

[flutterbee]

Yeah, my dad's a schmuck, too, so I know the drill. I knew his dad would dig his own grave. He doesn't need any help with that. And easy child (or any kid for that matter) doesn't need to hear one parent putting down the other parent. You don't put kids in that position.

This whole thing with the car actually started summer last year when his dad told easy child that if he moved down there, he would get a car for his birthday; that he wasn't going to help get a car if he stays here. You know...his HOME...where his school and all his friends are. K had always told me that he would help me buy a car for easy child when the time came. Guess that didn't fit into his master plan. :future:

He also wanted easy child to stay an extra week or two last summer, but easy child wouldn't do it. easy child told my mom (and then me a couple of months later) that the reason he didn't want to stay was because his dad has no respect for me and he was tired of being around it.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

That speaks louder than anything. You have raised quite the young man.

I think that dealing with a schmucky dad builds character. You have it, your son has it, my daughter (Copper) has it (her dad was no slouch when it came to schmucking around), my MOM has it...her father bought her a car (69 Mustang!) for her graduation, but decided not to give it to her because she would not come live with him after she finished school. So, he made my mom's brother (he was living with their dad) drive that very car to her graduation party, only to tell her that the car is HIS now.

I mean, why? Just why??