easy child's teacher made very inappropriate comments

[KFld]

easy child is so upset about how this was handled. She didn't want any huge attention drawn to herself and all she wanted was for the resource teacher to go to the principal and say a student said Mr. so and so made inappropriate comments to a student who wants to remain anonymous and he needs to be spoken to, or something like that, but instead she convinced her to go the principal who made her write a statement, and then proceeded to call other students down and ask them if he ever made inappropriate comments to them. These are students in her class who heard him say these things to her, so now they are asking her in the hallways if she's trying to get Mr. so and so fired?? She is beside herself and now wishing nothing was said.

I will call the principal first thing this morning. First I will look up the sexual harassment policy where I work and the rights of the person making the claim. I believe there is no way anyone was to be made aware in anyway of who this claim was made by, but I have to refresh myself before calling her and make sure I know what I'm talking about.

Geez, no wonder why people don't want to come forward with these accusations. Now she feels like she did something wrong and she's afraid the teacher is going to get in trouble. She said she didn't want that to happen, she just didn't want him to talk to her like that anymore.

What a thing for a 17 year old to have to deal with during her Senior year!!

 

[SRL]

I'm sorry that your daughter is going through this.

I suspect that the teacher didn't have any choice but to let the principal handle it. Many districts have established written procedures as to how such incidents are to be handled and can be reprimanded (or worse) if those guidelines aren't followed.

I'd also keep her out of the man's class. She's embarrassed enough already.

 

[SRL]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: mom_to_3</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My middle easy child works for a well known grocery store in our state. She too was sexually harassed. This was an elderly man also married. His "trick" was to corner my daughter and "accidently" touch her or put her in compromising positions. </div></div>

When I was in my mid-20's there was an older man who was a greeter at church who was making me uncomfortable when he would greet me at the door. It was subtle and I doubt noticable to others but when he would hug you some way he'd manage to pat the hip or press against the chest vicinity with a wrist. I made a comment to my husband and steered clear of the man thinking it was just me. Later it turned out another woman brought it to the attention of church leadership (as I realized later I should have done) and it turned out others started speaking up as well. He was removed from the position immediately

 

[Sheila]

Oh, dear.... :frown:

 

[KFld]

This is exactly the kind of reason that people are so uncomfortable reporting these things.
easy child told me this morning not to call the principal, because it will only make the situation worse and draw more attention because she's an idiot. I told her I'm not comfortable with that but I will do what she asks because I don't want to make the situation worse for her. I asked her if she was comfortable going to class and she said she's fine, it's over and nothing else is going to be said. This was after she saw her resource teacher this morning, so she must have filled her in on something else I don't know about for her to know it's over and nothing else is going to be said??

I will make it very clear to her tonight that if the teacher receives any consequences for these comments that it is not her fault and that I hope the way this was handled does not scare her away from ever speaking up about something like this in the future.

I know if I were her and this is how it was handled, I would probably be afraid to ever open my mouth again. I understand policies and procedures as I work in H.R., but this was not handled right in my opinion by the principal.

 

[susiestar]

Unfortunately, School Districts tend to make the VICTIM stand out, and many schools have policies similar that to yours. Teh child ends up being put in a very bad position.

So sorry.

I would probably be ahving a sit down with the resource teacher to see what is going on.

If nothing is happening, can you switch schools? Can you live with the end result of allowing her to handle this and be put in even greater danger?

Not sure she is, but be prepared for a hostile school atmosphere.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[SRL]

Given the seriousness which some employers take sexual harrassment, I think it was critical that the principal interviewed your daughter, but that definitely should have been done in the presence of a parent or at least a supportive teacher. What does sound inappropriate here is that it sounds like your daughter may have been identified to the other students as having made the report in which case her privacy was seriously violated.

Poor thing. :frown:

 

[ScentofCedar]

Well, I don't know whether you saw the Oprah thing where the girls in Oprah's school were being sexually abused by the headmistress? Oprah fired the headmistress and defended the courage of the girls who had made the report. She acknowledged the isolation the "whistle blower" feels unless the incident is handled appropriately ~ and again, praised the girls for the courage it took to come forth.

The thing is, when these kinds of things happen to any of us, it changes the essential who we think we are.

That is why a teacher, or anyone who works with children, should never cross that line.

For the sake of the child's self-concept.

So, it was very important that your daughter trusted you enough to tell you this was happening to her.

She does not deserve this kind of "how you fill your jeans is more important than who you are" treatment ~ and certainly not at the hands of a teacher.

And how embarrassing to have such a big thing made of it, making that sordid, I-must-have-done-something-to-deserve-this feeling an even more palpable thing.

Perhaps finding information relative to that news story would help your daughter feel stronger?

Barbara

 

[KFld]

I have no problem with the principal having her write out a statement and asking her questions. what I do have the problem with is her calling other students down from the same class she is in, who heard him say these things to her, being questioned as to if they ever heard him say anything inappropriate to them or anyone else. Of course these students new exactly where this was coming from as soon as they were asked this question.

She should have been able to take care of this on easy child's complaint alone. Brought it to the teachers attention and nobody should have been made aware in anyway who made the complaint.

 

[mom_to_3]

Well Karen, this is exactly the way it was handled with my easy child that worked at the grocery store. Actually, I am in agreement with how the principal handled it in you daughters situation. Just think, is it fair for anyone to be reprimanded or fired on just one persons word? This accusation will go into this teachers file permanently. I can only say that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want more proof than just one other person.

I hear you that your daughter is upset and didn't want such a big deal made of this situation. This IS a situation that she is going to have to "buck up" and just know she did the correct thing in reporting this.

You might help her to feel better and tell her like I did my daughters, and they too were very uncomfortable and wished they would have never said anything to me or their superiors. Not only was their disclosure helping them to not be sexually harassed, a right all people deserve, but by making their outcry now, they could save perhaps a younger even more vulnerable kid/ teen from the same or worse. I feel and explained to them, look back at how this has all played out. Once a person (pervert) crosses one line and is allowed, they will continue to step over that line, until something really bad happens.

By speaking out, your daughter is empowering herself and hopefully putting a stop to further harassment to other kids.I'm sorry and wish this life lesson could be easier for her.

 

[DDD]

I really hate it when the need is there to contact the schools about any teachers behavior..sexual poor choices just make it worse. Two days ago I had to call the school and difficult child is going to
be upset with me and I imagine the teacher will retaliate in some
way that I probably will never learn about. Parenting is too darn hard!

I hope it all dies down soon. DDD

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with mom to 3. I'm sorry that your daughter has to go through this but the principal cannot take action on the word of one student. While I'm sure this is not the case here, some students are vindictive and start false rumors about teachers.

I had an EBD girl in one of my classes that was spreading a rumor that an assistant principal was making untoward advances toward her. I knew this child very well and knew that she made up all sorts of attention seeking stories. I went immediately to a guidance counselor, though, and told them what she said. The counselor called the girl into her office immediately and the girl admitted that she had made the whole thing up. Firing or reprimanding the assistant principal based on what she initially said would have been a grave misjustice.

So I think that that your daughter's principal had to investigate further and will need all of the facts before the principal can take action.

In this case, it will probably be a written reprimand unless the principal can't find any witnesses. In that case, it unfortunately becomes a he said/she said situation.

I'm so sorry that your easy child had this happen to her.

~Kathy

 

[Marguerite]

Karen, please reassure easy child that the rule is (should be) if SHE feels uncomfortable, then she should act.

A clinic doctor I saw once for routine Pap smear etc was inappropriate and I was too young and naive to know how, when or what to do. I had to attend that clinic every six months and would after that time insist on a female doctor. About a year later the female doctor I got, turned out to be the head of the practice (and later, national spokesperson for women's health). She asked me pointedly why I asked for a woman doctor and I said that I had felt uncomfortable during a previous examination, but didn't want to complain because it might just have been me, misunderstanding.
She told me then something which I've never forgotten, and which I've told my daughters - "He was seeing you in a professional capacity, and it was HIS job to ensure you felt comfortable and safe at all times. IF EVER you feel uncomfortable, the doctor is not doing his job properly."

And that goes for other professionals too, when in a position to use their power to control someone else.

I talked about my maths teacher and how by today's standards he could be accused of being inappropriate. Even by standards back then, we could have complained - but there was something in his relationship with us that for us made his behaviour OK.

I don't think we would have taken it from any other teacher, but we never felt uncomfortable or 'put upon'. He was still doing his job and any remarks were inoffensive, in our eyes. WE FELT SAFE.

The rule is, HOW YOU FEEL.

So Karen, if easy child felt unsafe and uncomfortable then by definition, that teacher was doing the wrong thing.

Now, it is possible he may not have realised he was making her uncomfortable, but he is the adult in the situation, it is his responsibility to be careful, it is NOT her responsibility to tone down her sensitivity.

If he genuinely didn't realise or understand, and can successfully argue this, then he will get a rap over the knuckles only. If, as a result of easy child making this complaint, ANYONE victimises her, she can take legal action against the school (or could, in Australia). It is the school's responsibility to keep her safe.
If this teacher, on investigation, is shown to have a real problem which he doesn't seem interested in dealing with, then he should be shown the door. This is why other students also need to be questioned. Even if there were no witnesses to his comment to easy child, it's likely that he's done this before - he IS 60, he's not suddenly decided to put the hard word on his students. This is probably how he is, how he has been for years. So the chances of other students, on questioning, having their own story they were too scared to tell, is worth the effort involved.

If other students come forward and say, "He makes comments like that all the time, we ignore them or joke back" (like my old teacher) then he STILL needs to have it brought to his attention that not everybody will accept his behaviour, and he should tone it down. Behave or leave. And definitely apologise.

From what you describe, Karen, it sounds like he passed this remark to easy child while they were alone (or mostly alone). And if he WAS only making a light comment, he should have noticed it made her uncomfortable and apologised immediately. If he did make the remark in private, and did not see that she was upset, then he is behaving inappropriately.

Whichever way you look at it, she did the right thing in telling you and you did the right thing in taking action.

She should not have to change schools. Why should SHE be disadvantaged because someone else did the wrong thing? And especially not in her final year, it would be plain wrong.

Give her a hug from me, congratulate her on her honesty and courage. This may seem awful, but this is only the first in a lifetime of hassles like this (sorry). For each battle successfully fought, she will feel more strength.

Marg