easy child's wedding....feeling left out

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Apr 16, 2011.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I love my boys, but always feared when they got married or had kids that I would not see them often. Experience with my own family....my sisters came home to our house (our parents) and the boys went to their wife's parents. (they all lived out of town)

    Well I KNOW it is natural for mother/ daughter to be close and plan that exciting day. But I thought I would be more involved.

    I also know everyone else works week days and off on weekends. And also everyone works days and sleeps at night. unfortunately I work nights and sleep days, and I work every weekend. So I am not available on weekends.

    met with my son's future mother in law. Wow....she kept asking "do you know this...do you know this...do you know this..." Ofcourse my answer was no to all.

    Well, turns out she talks to my son regularly. Later that day I get a call (son out of town for work) and he is very, very upset asking "what don't I tell you"

    I really feel left out. But after talking to other mothers of grooms...seems like they have little to do with the wedding also.

    Does anyone else have this experience? Am I just being too sensitive and overreacting?

    I don't want to overstep my bounds, so I don't "pop" in on them. easy child works out of town, drives semi and isn't home that often. When he is I want to respect his time with his future wife. And I know they are busy with wedding plans. Seems as if his future in-laws pop in on a regular basis. We've never even been invited over.

    Is it me being to sensitive?
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't think you are being over sensitive, but you're not alone, either. In fact, your boat is quite crowded.

    My easy child 1 and his girlfriend are planning their wedding, and while I don't have the work obstacles you do, I'm much the same as far as being involved. I'm not. And I know it's not intentional.

    I'm close to them, but we don't necessarily talk every day. Occasionally, I make a point to go visit his girlfriend and ask her whats the latest on the wedding. She's always excited to share.

    I also know she has a very controlling mom and my sons extended family has their own ideas about how everything should be done, so I don't want to add to her burden of pleasing people by saying something, otherwise I might.

    If you can tell your son how you feel, i would. Maybe there is an easy fix. For my situation, I don't say anything be because i am sort of their sounding board and know how much they are trying to do what they want but keep all these other people happy. I've taken the notion I won't say anything cause imdont want to add to that. But if that's not a problem for your kids, just ask. Just keep itmlight Maybe you can do dinner and catch up. Or ask to see things they've selected.

    Good luck. Andhugs.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ps I also watch their Facebook. They often put things on there about plans or colors or ideas.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    What your describing is summed up in a saying "a son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life".. gosh I may have that wrong but you get the gist. It's normal I think for the parents of the groom to feel this. If you can get along with his wife it will make all the difference. Hang in there and congratulations to your son.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It's an uncomfortable position to be in...I know from exprience. None of our girls married young men with close family. When my easy child son got married we gave the rehearsal dinner, attended the wedding and church reception and felt very much like guests. Lordy, was I glad when it was over. We did issue a verbal invitation to everyone at the end of the reception that everyone who didn't have to go out of town was welcome at our home. At that time we had a large place and were may ten bocks from the church. It worked out ok and many people we didn't know showed up.

    Do you have any special talent that you could volunteer to use in the wedding prep? by the way, I don't, lol. I have known future mother in law's who have offered to write place cards because they had beautiful handwriting, others who have offered to sew or help with one aspect of the decorations, and others who did "pick ups" prior to the wedding when the couple was busy. Make phone calls?

    I understand your feelings. I'm sure that they don't have any idea how you feel. Losing a easy child son is often painful. Believe me my son and I were tight as ticks. When we are together we quickly reestabish the bond but in truth we don't see each other more than once or twice a year. It's hard. I am sending caring supportive thoughts your way. DDD
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ah the joys of parenting a son and then they go and grow up and get married! How dare he! LOL.

    Jamie and I used to be so close but now...eh. He married his current wife without even telling us until after it was over! That saying ML put up is really true. Even now that Billie's mom and grandmother have both died and her bio father who didnt raise her lives 4 hours away, they still dont spend much time with us unless we go up there. Of course, Jamie does call his dad quite a bit because they have more in common but sometimes it does sting a bit.

    I know he loves me even if we arent as close anymore. It just happens. They grow up.

    One thing I would do is ask him if you could pick the mother son song for the wedding. He should allow you to do that. It would give you some small input.
  7. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Janet, I think the Mother/Son song idea is great !

    I tried to include my mother in law in our wedding. She went to the reception hall, dress fittings, etc.. she didn't much care if she was there or not but I invited her and my father in law to everything.

    She has cancer and is currently doing chemo treatments and is not doing very well.

    I am glad now that I did include her and try to make her feel apart of our day. Even though at the time we were always at odds.

    We have a good relationship now and I am so grateful for that. I will do anything I can to help her fight this battle.

    Life is short.

    The family dynamic can be so strange.

    I hope you are included more in planning.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Janet, your idea may be doable! Another good thought from the family. My relationshp with my son was alot like yours with Jamie. We just flat out enjoyed each other's company. I don't want to be married to him...I just miss the connection that we had. We both enjoyed each other's company, laughter, shared memories and current "take" on what was going on in life. It is a great loss. DDD
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yep. The son's family stands back and lets the bride and her mother do everything. Son's family plans the rehearsal dinner and pays for it.
    If you've got 6 sons, that's 6 weddings you will not be involved in.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We met with difficult child 1's bride's family to discuss costs, who would do what, etc. daughter in law's mother is VERY controlling, in fact insisted on being MC (which was a disaster). However, we were involved because we sat down and discussed it. It helped that the wedding was held at our church, catering by our church, so I had to liaise with the church there.

    Otherwise - if everything is under control, there probably isn't a lot for you to do. Traditionally the groom's family pays for the drinks and the flowers. That gives you a toe in the door - contact the kids and say, "I feel I should be doing more for you guys. I know the groom's family are supposed to be covering the drinks and the flowers - can we talk about this? I want to talk with you about your plans and see if there's anything I can do to help."

    Invite them to dinner. Maybe invite the bride's parents too. Relax, Have fun. Listen to the plans. Enjoy them as much as you can but realise - it's generally the bride's day, and after her comes the groom, and mother of the bride, roughly equal. Mother of the groom comes lower down the rung.

    When easy child married, she and SIL1 organised the whole thing themselves. There was very little for us to do, even less for the groom's mother. A good thing - she is a lovely person but physically incapable of doing more than turning up for a couple of hours. While she was there, they made a fuss of her because they knew she was not well enough to stay the whole course. But a lot of what went on - we were not involved. My best friend was MC (did a brilliant job so easy child 2/difficult child 2 asked her to MC at her wedding too).

    With easy child 2/difficult child 2's wedding, we did our best to involve the groom's family but had to work hard at it. We had a food tasting meal, they needed a minimum of 8 people so we invited the groom's parents to it. That way they felt involved in the food choices. They could not afford to pay their part of the reception, husband & I covered the bulk of it to save the arguments. We chose to back away from forcing the issue - after initially wanting a dry wedding the kids and bridal party wanted alcohol and the groom's parents did not, so they refused to pay for the drinks at all. We had organised the drinks to keep the brakes on but the bridal party were exempt and one groomsman in particular got a bit too drunk.

    I get on OK with all my "outlaws" but sometimes i feel it can be hard work. However, for the sake of my kids, I will do it.

    Why not call the bride's mother and ask to meet with her? You don't want to change anything, just be kept in the loop in case there is something you could do to make things a bit easier. besides, it is fun to be as much part of it as is acceptable. it is an exciting time, and you want to share the excitement.

  11. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I love my daughter in law to death.
    I was SO glad I did NOT have to do any part of planning the wedding. We're talking 7 bridesmaids, 2 junior bridesmaids, huge sit down dinner, etc. I told M. she would have to STOP inviting people to be in the wedding party, NF didn't have any more friends and we'd be inviting homeless people to be on his side.
    We did play music before the wedding, so were included that way. And I know that was my daughter in law's way of including us.

    But guess what? They just bought a house right around the corner from us (and her parents live across town). So guess who gets to see them all the time? Of course, it's to borrow tools, etc. but I'm ok with that.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What about you all having a standing dinner date? Perhaps once a month they come over to your house for dinner when your son is in town. Time is what builds bonds and you haven't really had time to bond with your future daughter in law. You are still in the majority regading the level of involvement in your son's wedding planning - traditionally it's a bride family thing...

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good idea, Sharon. :)
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Marg, I had forgotten about inviting her parents to our home for dinner. We did not know them well and the evening was pleasant enough. Funny thing happened...as we were sitting in the dining room eating the meal future father in law said "this is really nice as we don't eat together exceot once or twice a year and everybody just fixes what they want". That was significant to our son. He's been married over twenty years and his wife doesn't cook meals and prefers McD's.

    on the other hand, we did what we were suppose to do so no regrets about that. DDD
  15. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    ML..you have it right. I have said that to my boys forever, reminding them to ALWAYS be my son.

    I did have lunch with brides mother. Made me very sad. However I could of been over sensitive. It was the 3rd anniversary of my mothers death. I was feeling sad. She is inviting 30 people to the wedding shower. Her mother, her mother in law, aunts, cousins....etc. All of my aunts have passed away. My cousins I wouldn't know if they were standing next to me. And no parents or in-law's. Two sisters 75 and 165 miles away. Wedding is small and I was told I could only invite one or two friends after my family. My family is spread out and don't know if they would even come.

    Then I hear that brides parents "drop" in at easy child's often. I don't. Have never even been invited over. He drives semi cross country and isn't home often. I respect the time he has with his future wife, and don't want to impose. Bride has a sister same age as difficult child. And is a major difficult child. Found out everything I do, or say goes directly back to easy child. And difficult child was hanging out with difficult child sister,,,,everything they did went directly back to easy child.

    I went and paid for the hall (doesn't include meal). Don't know if brides family is paying for anything. They are much better off than we are. Don't think easy child would tell me if they were paying for anything.

    I was a single mom until easy child was 9. So he is very close and special to me since it was just the two of us for so long. Just feeling sad.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Don't feel guilty. Many, many, of us have had to begin a greiving process. It was very difficult for me to "separate" from my son. In the movies it is different. Sigh! There are some happy weddings but the Mothers of the Groom often are or have been single parents with a strong loving bond that makes it especially hard to disengage enough to survive the separation. I understand. DDD
  17. Diana

    Diana New Member

    I honestly do not understand the "rule" that a wedding is to be focused on the bride and her mother. It's the groom's wedding too and it's just as important to his parents as it is the bride's parents. If the groom's parents want to be involved and especially if they are financially providing for this wedding - then every effort should be made to include them just as much as the bride's parents are included.

    It's so unfair that at a time when two families are coming together - it's starts off automatically with a division as to which side is more important and while society paints the mother in law as the one who causes all the friction it's actually the bride and her family who start the ball rolling with the way they handle the engagement and wedding.

    My suggestion to future brides - if you love this man you are about to marry so much then show respect to the people that spent the first 18+ years of his life raising him to be the man that you love.. and include them in this special day to honor the role that they have played in this marriage taking place.

    It is hard being the mother of the groom and even more so when that young man is your only child and you've had a very good relationship with them their whole life. This day shouldn't feel like a "goodbye" but the more I research online the more I see that is exactly what it feels like for so many of these mom's. If I was the bride I would want the tears his mother is crying to be happy tears and not tears of sadness. I wouldn't want her to feel like I am taking her son away but rather that I am becoming the daughter she never had. Why in the world would any bride want to start her marriage off by excluding the woman who gave her husband life?

    I really dislike all the wedding "rules" that someone put in place. I hope my future daughter-in-law breaks all the rules and makes their wedding planning and day a beautiful love filled day with LOTS of happy tears.

    They are about to be engaged and even though my son has assured me that he won't allow his father and I to be excluded - I still feel sad that I'm losing my son and I hate that I feel this way.