easy child's wedding plans

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Jun 20, 2011.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    OMG...this is STRESSFUL. I do not feel involved or informed. I understand the Bride and her mother do most of this. I ask my son questions and he tells me what he knows, but he doesn't know a lot of the details. He is on the road for work most of the time.

    I am involved in the wedding shower. I should not be. Matron of honor, brides mother and myself.

    Brides mother has many relatives in this area. I believe she invited about 40 to the shower.
    I have no relatives near me. I haven't seen most of my family since my mothers funeral 3 years ago. And prior to that many years.

    We met twice for shower details. OMG...I have been with very little money most of my life and I live within my means. I was VERY INSULTED by the Brides mother over and over.

    She wants to spend all this money on the shower (which I am responsible for 1/3) Had to RENT a building for $150, which I was not aware of. I thought it was free (my son's apartment complex club house)
    Since they got engaged in Vegas, they want the shower to be Vegas themed. OMG...she wants buckets with a bottle of champagne on EACH table. She wanted and "engraved" gift for each. (this was shot down by Matron of honor and me) But if it would just be me I would be ignored. Every suggestion I made was blown off. I told them to keep the expenses down, I would rather give it to the kids to pay for the wedding....she laughs.
    My son and future wife are paying for the wedding. I helped them some. He said they want to keep it small.
    Ok...My guest list was my brothers and sisters, their kids(his cousins). They decided on NO KIDS. Meaning his cousins cannot bring their kids. All of his cousins live through out the country. He hasn't seen them in many many years. In addition to my brothers and sisters I invited three friends. Mother of the bride laughed and told me to invite who ever I wanted. Son says keep it small.
    ALL of my brothers and sisters said they are coming. Even the one from California. He is closest in age to me, a year older. The rest are much older 12 - 16 years older. My brother in California has a 6 year old son. But that 6 year old is my son's cousin. So having a "kid" there is raising questions. My neices and nephews have kids older and are not invited. But this IS his cousin. I was so happy that ALL of my brothers and sisters will come.

    Mother of bride tells me about how to dress. I was insulted by her comments. I am aware of the ettiquite, she picks her dress first. But even my son came over and told me how formal I must be. I WAS planning on looking nice, formal. But I am NOT spending $400+ for a dress as Mother of the Bride is.
    I am 6ft tall and it is VERY, difficult to find a long dress long enough.!!! Even at bridal stores.

    To top off all of the rude and insulting comments from the mother of the bride...my son says not to take her comments serious, she doesn't mean it...Bride never answers her phone. I leave her messages and she doesn't call me back. I email her and text her and no return call. My son is in another state working and I asked him to tell her to call me.

    He writes me an email that just made me cry. He says NO KIDS...then named each of my neices and nephews who have children, said he will turn them away at the door if they bring their kids. He then said "This isn't a family reunion this is my wedding". I cried. Yes..this IS his wedding. And ALL of my brothers and sisters are coming to see MY SON get married. They are coming for him. If they wanted to see me, maybe sometime in my LIFE they would of contacted me, or invited me somewhere. He then went on and on about other things relating to his wedding. I was floored. I just sat and cried. I told husband and difficult child what he said and how bad I felt.
    I don't even know what the dresses look like. Just found out what color they are. Bride never talks to me.
    Whenever my son is in town they spend all their time at her mothers and family. I saw them both about a month ago maybe. But they are always with her family. (who lives less than a mile from us) I am so hurt.
    And so worried about the wedding. I try to help them. I gave them money to pay for the Hall. My son said her parents haven't given them anything even though they have MUCH more money than us. And I saw the guest list. Mother of the bride has invited everyone!!! And I am only allowed 3 friends ?????

    The shower is this coming Sunday. I work Saturday night from 6:30 pm until 7am. I commute 1.5 hours on a good day. I have to sleep. Mother of the bride wants me there to decorate early. I told them I cannot come early. I will send my husband over with the food I will supply. They said no. I have a sister driving 2.5 hours, another driving 1.5 hours and a friend driving 2 hours and another 1 hour. I have nobody from town.

    My sisters have been to my house once in 16 years. Long ago. Now how do I tell the mother of the bride I will come back later to clean up, but I plan on asking my sisters to come over to my house.

    I am so nervous. We painted two rooms. Painted our kitchen cupboards. (can't afford to replace them. They were painted this ugly blue for 16 years) Finally we are done with the kitchen. I work out of town so I am not home three days a week. I stay at my sisters.

    My stomach started hurting, chest pain, can't breathe for several weeks. Finally went to the doctor. They did ct-scan and scope. Ulcers !!! And Acid reflux do to Ulcers.

    I want so much to help my son and future wife with the wedding. But everything I suggest is blown off. She doesn't talk to me. Her mother insults me. I never see them. I know my son is stressed because he is responsible to help, and he should...but he is out of town for 3 - 4 or more weeks at a time. And on top of that she is now pregnant. But he was out of line on what he said to me. I never mentioned kids coming. I respected their decision since day one. I am afraid to talk to him. This was over email and he made me cry. I want to see them. I want to help. But I am afraid.

    Sorry this is so long
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    What on earth is it with weddings that can make some uglies arise? :( So sorry this is all turning into stress instead of just joy.

    I'm not sure how to advise one to handle this type of thing. I can say that I concur fully that those involved with planning should absolutely be concious of those who are financially involved and ensure that it isn't overboard and within budget. As for not even hearing about the dress you are going to be wearing? I find that so bizarre! (((hugs)))

    I wouldn't worry at this point about your sons soon to be mother in law. She sounds as if no matter what goes on, you're on the recieving end of her ways. So regarding your sisters coming to your house to visit afterward, I would simply tell this woman that its long overdue to have them over and it's set up, but if the cleaning remains you can be available at (insert time). If she takes offense, so be it. Sounds like even when you try so hard she gets her back up anyhow so I wouldn't let it stress you. Your son and future daughter in law should be more focused on their special moment to get knickers in a twist about mom of the groom having company and not being available right that second to clean post reception. If they do, they are focusing on the wrong things and it isn't something I'd let worry you.

    It's a shame the details for the shower you are contributing a third of the cost for aren't still unsettled. You could have simply provided your available contribution and said that's what you can do, ask them to match you and if they CHOSE to contribute beyond that amount in order to get what THEY want for decorations and champagne, let them ;). A little late now I imagine, but the shower hasn't happened right? You could always say here's my 1/3, and upon thinking mroe on the champagne, you again want to say you don't feel it is at all necessary and don't feel you can contribute mroe to cover something not expected at showers anyhow. What ever happened to punch?

    Hang in there. What a awkward dilemma!
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wish I had some good advice for you.

    Just a hug.
  4. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    UGH- this is why husband and I got married in front of a judge one Friday morning and told everyone in the family we were married about a week later - LOL. My mother in law did insist on throwing a large party for us - but she did that on her own.

    However, I know that option is not for everyone and I'm sorry you are kept out of the loop on all things. Once you are past the wedding hopefully you won't have to deal with Mother of the Bride for a LONG time.

    No advice, just a (hug).
  5. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I do know how weddings can take on a life of their own. ( My son just got married last October.) However, nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them.

    Agree to pay for what you can afford. Beyond that, if the mother of the bride isn't satisfied, she can pay for it herself.

    If she doesn't like what you want to wear, tough. I'm sure you will look nice and, truly, all eyes will be on the bride anyway. She is the mother of the bride; not the dictator of the planet. Some people are better ignored.

    No children at the wedding? Lots of people do that so...arrange for a babysitter. Provide some fun food and make it a party of their own for them.

    It sounds like your son needs to grow a pair but perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed also.

    Bottom line: do what you can do but do not get pushed into a bunch of stuff you can't handle. This is supposed to be a fun day. It does not have to be like the royal wedding we just watched on TV: they had hundreds of servants and helpers to help with that. Sit back and let them go crazy. Take a deep breath and enjoy your son and his new wife. Blow off the rest of it.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that this is such a stressor and you can't enjoy the experience. Sadly, that often happens. Honestly I can't think of any polite way you can change "the plan" that future mother in law and future daughter in law have put in place but here are some thoughts I have for your consideration or just forget, lol.

    I think that I might just tell mother in law "My contributions to the shower can only include X$'s and X amount of time (before and/or after)". I think I would arrange a children's party for the time of the wedding and make sure I found the best people available to be in charge. I think I might just say to mother in law to be "I know you are going to look absolutely lovely at the wedding in a floor length gown but chances are that my gown will not be the same length. I will complement your choice to the best of my ability." I might also add with a smile "Of course I don't know what the attendants are wearing but I'm sure you and daughter in law have made excellent choices. I understand the bridesmaids are wearing pink and, of course, I will avoid that color."

    Draw your lines (only as needed), smile and focus on the happy anticipation of having your family visiting. Like the Serenity Prayer says "accept the things you can not change, have the courage to change what you can" I'm sure you'll find the wisdom to know the difference and that will ease your stress. DDD
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    If you've all agreed to split the costs then you state what you've allotted towards the shower and wedding and that's it.

    No, you cannot help set up, but you may be able to help clean up - at your convenience!

    What color is mother of the bride's dress? Okay, once you know, you pick a lighter or darker shade and be done with it.

    Champagne at a shower? Maybe if it is a brunch and the champagne is mixed in a mimosa, yeesh.

    Your son is being pushed around, treating you like a third hand cousin and that's not nice. And your soon to be daughter in law is rude, just like her mother. On the other hand, it could be that they are both being bulldozed by the mother, in which case, they both need to behave like that adults they are pretending to be and man up.

    An option for those traveling the long distance with their children is to set up some kind of babysitting for the duration of the wedding. A lot of people do that nowadays.

    Listen, kjs, you need to care for your health and prioritize what you can and can't do. The wedding WILL happen and it will be a nice affair regardless of all this BS. Let the BS go and just go about your plans. What a freakin nuisance! I hope you and your son are able to reconcile your hurt feelings at some point.

    I hope my daughters elope, or, better yet, never marry. Life is so much simpler that way.

    Maybe you should send them a book on wedding etiquette anonymously! I'm so sorry you feel so badly, you shouldn't. Big hugs.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It sounds like they are planning a very, very FORMAL wedding....thus the extra-fancy dress and the ban on children.

    My mother wanted this for MY wedding. She was paying so she wanted to call the shots - very formal historical location, NO children, formal menu with shrimp skewers and tenderloin salad...

    Meanwhile, husband's family wanted a BIG fun wedding with LOTS of kids and LOTS of people and a casual buffet...


    The families have not gotten along since...

    My advice would be to try and enjoy yourself for the sake of your son and try not to let it bother you. The wedding is one day...but your family has (hopefully) many, many happy years together afterward...
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I worried so badly about Jamie's mother in law when he was first introducing me to Billie's mom and her step-father. It was at their baby shower and I didnt know a soul except him and Billie and it was this big affair and I couldnt afford to do much either. It shocked me that they didnt even ask me. I couldnt have been more pleased when I met her though. She was so much nicer than her daughter...lmao. I miss her now that she has died. Sniff. Sniff.

    In your situation I would do as some of the others have said. I certainly wouldnt stress out as much and try to give more financially than I could afford. Really, the parents of the groom are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner historically. Brides and their moms do seem to be the more gung ho parties in weddings...just watch a few episodes of Bridezilla. I cant imagine being told what to wear. There would be a good chance that I would have to wear what I could find in my size because it is very difficult to find something appropriate for me. I cant just say, oh I want lavender in mid calf length. It all depends on what is available at Lane Bryant...lol.

    I like the idea of the setting up something for babysitting the kids but I think that would also mean young children, not teens. Most teens of say 14 and up are old enough to attend a wedding I would think. But maybe not...

    I do realize that you are going to have hurt feelings over this and it will be something you are going to have to take time to get over. I do. I realize since you said there is a baby coming that you are now worrying about what your roll is going to be there also. That is going to be tough too. If your son cant step up and help bring you into the fold, its going to be a difficult situation. I hope that this blows over and eventually your family's merge happily.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No advice, K...we had similar issues with Son #2's wedding, and being totally out of the loop. I know it hurt Hubby horribly.

    Sending many gentle hugs.
  11. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    As the mother of the groom http://ourmarriage.com/html/mother_of_the_groom.html

    Basically you host the rehersal dinner (and 1/3rd of the shower if you agreed to that) If they want a "No Children Invited" that should be on their invitations, and that is their perogative and really nothing to cry over. They may not find the evening enjoyable and stress free with a bunch of kids running around and screaming - its not an unknown thing for the soon to be married couple to do.

    The brides mother is probably overstepping on how things are to be done - not unusual - I know my eldest's future mother in law had the same trait - and it set the tone for a relationship that went downhill from there. She wasn't going to pay for an "open bar" as she didn't drink - but her friends and relatives were absolute lushes - since the bar was her deal, and the kids didn't agree to a non bar senario, they paid for it themselves. I don't drink so I didn't much care either way.

    I figured I just would pay for what I needed to pay for, give my two cents worth when asked, and ignore the rest of the bs. The only thing I needed to know was if the mother of the brides dress was long or short, and the color. Honestly, I had more grief and arguments from MY mother about what I was going to wear - she actually bought me a dress akin to somthing my grandmother would wear LOL Told my eldest she was lucky I could not pull off wearing bright red spandex without looking like a stuffed Polish sasuage.

    So buy your dress in a complementary color and ignore the comments about how you are to dress. Tell her to let you know how much your share is for the shower, pay what you can and worry about paying the rest later. Don't let the wedding get you and your future daughter in law off on a bad note, especially since there is a baby comming

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will never understand all the bs about weddings. Mine was awesome. Very small ceremony, my mom finished the skirt and top I wore that morning (pink with tulips on it) and also the shorts for the reception that morning. We rented a huge awning, made sure the yard looked nice, wrote our names and the dates on a ton of white frisbees (they last longer and are so much more fun than engraved napkins and no way were we giving my pyro husband and his pyro friends books of matches iwth his name on them. Those would have been permission to play with them, lolo!)

    We blew up primary colored balloon, put big sheets of white butcher paper and markers on the table, set up a buffet for sandwiches, filled big new garbage cans with ice, pop and beer, and opened the door.

    WHen my bff, the maid of honor, asked what to wear I told her that a dress would be nice but she needed to be comfortable and ahve shorts for the reception. It was, after all, August in OK and an outdoor reception.

    I did draw the line at the best man's dog coming to the ceremony. But he did come to the reception and had an awesome time with my parent's dog.

    So all this stuff g oing on is just nonsense. Of course my inlaws were so thankful that husband was finallygetting married that they would have gone along with anything, lol. Plus father in law and stepmil were planning their own wedding, so it was easy for them to not get upset over mine. And mother in law watned nothing to do with husband or I cause she is crazy, so she was easy to handle.

    I would do as suggested and just make a point of enjoying yourself. I would think the 6 yo cousin would not have much fun as the only kid and would be mroe than happy to stay at a kids' event or with a group of kids at a babysitter. WHen my bff got married I had a 7month old. She volunteered her gma to watch my child at the wedding and the entire reception. I declined and left him iwth my aunt. Her gma would have done it but thanked me profusely for not making it necessary - she really wanted to be able to enjoy her granddau getting married.

    Bff did the whole dog and pony show, with almost more people in the wedding party than in the audience. she was also super tacky about any gift. IF she had to give one she made one as fast and cheap as she could - and it showed and she bragged that the wedding party gifts only cost her $20 for all 8 of the women's gifts and only took four hours to make all of them. But when it came Occupational Therapist (OT) her gifts she was very vocal about how this or that was cheap or not on her registry. I was the ONLY one she didn't pull that koi with because she knew me well enough to know I owuld have stood up and gone over and picked it up, announced that since it wasn't good enough I was leaving and she could have her tacky gift to me back, plus a bill for all the hundreds I spent flying in to town with Wiz, on the dress, the hotel the rental car the everything else. She kenw that I put up with a lot but not that kind of rudeness. (in some things she has always been a bit afraid of how I will speak my mind, lol).

    SO do what will be enjoyable for you. Your son probably won't even notice.

    Please put your health first. Ulcers are a terrible illness and I pray the antibiotics help a lot. Please remember that you totally can NOT drink any alcohol with them. Even mouthwash wtih alcohol has made peopel I know who are on those medications very sick. As for the GERD, follow directions for that long after the ulcer is gone as it can re-occur once it has started.

    I hope you feel better soon.