Effort to speak positively and keep soft music on

[Carolyn9595]

Okay so my newest theory is that if I praise even the smallest thing and speak positively when trying to get cooperation, maybe that will help. Instead of saying I told you to do that! Why don't you ever listen?? I am going to try to say I know you are fully capable of following directions so we don't stress out. Thank you for your cooperation. Do it now. If he puts the juice back in the fridge or picks up the wet towel, I will say wow great job! Today when he came in at 5:15 (15 mins early) we clapped and cheered! He tried not to break his face but a big smile came across his face! Maybe we should go a little overboard and dramatic and catch him off guard. Maybe we are too negative and predictable. We should shift our game so he's not in control of our strings as much. I tried this but in the end, I always wind up being exasperated over "turn off the computer" followed by "why are you outside? it's 9:30pm!" My friend has this great story where she started out telling her son, "you have the power of God inside you! Claim your power and do right!" By the end of the night she said "For God's sake, just shut up then!" These kids would make the POPE CUSS!! Please let me know if you have tried the positive speech and quiet music idea and how long you were good at it before you lost your patience.

 

[Marguerite]

Yes, we do this. At first you feel you're bending over backwards and only getting abuse in return, but it does pay off. Over time you can begin to move back a little more to the parental control, but never fully back. You already know it doesn't work. You also have to move back under your own control, and not reactively in exasperation. Never forget - as exasperated as you feel, it is not a patch on how frustrated your child has felt for years, for not being able to understand how to do it right. And telling them over and over does not help them understand. It might help other kids, but not these kids.

Keep your focus on natural consequences. Also try to treat him as if he is your old uncle come to stay for a few months. He's gone outside after dark? Unless it's a security or safety issue, focus on natural consequences - it's cold outside at that time. What can be so important that you would brave the cold?
Chances are, it's nothing to worry about. Grab the star chart and binoculars (and a spare parka) and go join him. Star-gaze together.

That't another tip - join him where he is, unconditionally and with acceptance. Just BE with him. In silence perhaps. Relax. Make your own purpose out of it perhaps. If he isn't interested in star-gazing, that's OK. You can still do it yourself. Maybe fumble - "I can't work out where the Big Dipper is" and let him show you.

Using these moments and following your instincts can open up surprising opportunities. The aim is to connect to your child as their facilitator and not their disciplinarian. Walking on eggshells is not good long-term, but if it's what you have to do, to break your own discipline habit, so be it. But the aim is to become his helper. Not his slave, not his jailer, not his keeper, but his helper. First you get into this pattern of behaviour and keep it up quietly, calmly, patiently. Then wait until he sees this and recognises it for what it is. That takes a little longer. But once he begins to meet you halfway, the job becomes a lot easier. For us, this process began within a week or two of my making the change. This time will vary for too many reasons.

But don't be a doormat. Not long-term. Stay positive (and mean it!). Catch him in the act of doing a good thing.

Keep in touch here as you go, and find ways to ease your own stress constantly. Avoid the "kettle boiling over" effect you can get, if yo don't constantly reduce your stress build-up in little ways. A hint - humour is a great way to ease your stress and also to stay feeling sufficiently positive. it also helps you avoid the doormat trap.

Marg

 

[Andy]

These are two very good things. You can also try to take it one step further and work on some preventative things. Look at how you approach him with the instructions to begin with. Both my kids were so sensitive about me making a simple comment like, "The bus is coming, get your coat on". They felt like they were being yelled at. They couldn't take a simple observation/suggestion. I had to change my approach. I tried to think about them as guests in the house. You wouldn't tell your guests to get on their coat so I had to do things like, "I see the bus is coming. Were you able to find your coat?" Approaching EVERYTHING in a overly positive attitude will help.

Marg is correct that at first it does seem like you are a servant bending over and being abused. As mom's, everthing is so personal to us so it is hard to keep emotions in tap when our plans are not running smoothly and timely but practice does make things easier. Just keep your eye on the goal and stay calm.

My difficult child was 11 when we started having issues big time with his anxiety. I did work with him alot on what type of person he wanted to be. Sort of like what your friend was doing - "You CAN do this. You CAN make the decision and follow through." difficult child has a very strong faith and he did turn to Jesus to help him through things - WWJD (What would Jesus Do?). Instead of telling him to do the right thing, I was more apt to ask him what he thought the right thing would be and tell him that he had the strength to do it if he really wanted to. Sometimes I think we should have shorter days - maybe making it through them would be easier? Maybe EVERYONE would be able to go to sleep before the length of the day and the battle for cooperation and quietness overcame us?

 

[aeroeng]

My difficult child does not like a lot of talking. He would take over positive statements as being sarcastic and get all worked up over it. Instead we would try using attention as the reward. Sometimes it is as simple as a smile and a nod, or standing there and handing him what ever he needs. When he pushed the buttons and negative feed back was required I worked hard to keep as much emotion out of the statement as possible. Using a monotone voice without inflection, and making sure the statement is as strait forward as possible. (Walking away and going outside when my emotions are about to blow). husband was better at it then I was, and would take over and let me escape.

 

[timer lady]

I spent many years with calm relaxing music playing in the background. I whispered or talked softly for many years so the twins had to slow down & lower their voices to hear me.

Today my home is fairly quiet & tranquil. I made a point to paint walls soothing colors & decorate my home with soft & soothing fabrics. I kept a pretty tight schedule so kt & wm knew what was expected & when. As they matured bit by bit surprises got thrown in ~ years later (going on 11 to be exact) kt is handling changes well.

Keep up the good work