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Family of Origin
Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 644745" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You know how I feel...lol.</p><p></p><p>Grandpa needs to be in a home, both for his own safety and for the health, mentally and physically, of you and your kids. This behavior is not typical of older people. Besides, your family says he has always been that way. He's just kind of...well, ok, a jerk. Nobody is making you take care of your entire family plus two difficult child kids and in my opinion you shouldn't do it. It will destroy your health and happiness and affect your kids.</p><p></p><p>But it's your life. If you feel you are somehow responsible for your grandpa, dad, disturbed sister, and other adults in your DNA collection, without them even treating you well, then you do what you have to do. Grandpa's voluntary monetary gifts were nice, but right now he is calling in the chips. "I gave you money so you owe me your health and happiness by making sure I don't go into a home even though I'm very sick and can't see and refuse to wear any sort of Life Alert." This is unreasonable. He is deliberately making your job harder by refusing to wear life alert. Makes no sense other than he is stubborn and you are going to put up with whatever he wants whether you like it or not (my guess about his thinking).</p><p></p><p>Confused, it's up to you. You can always change your mind and say "no." If you need to work, you need to work.</p><p></p><p>in my humble opinion Your kids should not have to put up with the kind of nonsense Grandpa just did by kicking you and son out of his home. That's my opinion...nobody has a right to abuse you, even if they did you some favors (probably to ensure you'd feel indebted to them later on). My Dad gave me money here and there and was shocked when I finally told him to keep his money and his inheritance, but I refuse to talk to him if he is abusive, yelling, and demeaning me. I never expected to hear from him again or get any money from him and I didn't care anymore. When I told him this, it was after he had cursed me out and I said it in a very calm, low, but firm voice. "Dad, I'm sorry. I am done listening to anybody yelling or abusing me. I'd love to talk to you anytime you want a mutually respectful discussion, but I will not listen to abuse." Then I hung up.</p><p></p><p>You're not "allowed" to hang up on my father, although he is allowed to hang up on YOU and call you every rotten name in the book, so I figured he'd never call me again and and I accepted it. I was shaking from that phone call and many, many others through the years and decided I was done allowing him to put me into that state.</p><p></p><p>He is 90.</p><p></p><p>He called again and has treated me with more respect than ever before because he knows I have strong limits these days. He also knows his money will not influence what I let him get away with. I feel silly that I waited for so long to stop our abusive relationship.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes to get a better life for ourselves and our children we need to take risks and try new things. I feel bad that you put so much on your plate and feel obligated about it. Really, an assisted living home could take better care of Grandpa than you can and you could visit, even visit every day, and it would not be so stressful. Dad and Sis can't be helping your peace of mind either.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow...I hope you choose yourself one day and I am sorry you are struggling now. Wishing you peace and serenity.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 644745, member: 1550"] You know how I feel...lol. Grandpa needs to be in a home, both for his own safety and for the health, mentally and physically, of you and your kids. This behavior is not typical of older people. Besides, your family says he has always been that way. He's just kind of...well, ok, a jerk. Nobody is making you take care of your entire family plus two difficult child kids and in my opinion you shouldn't do it. It will destroy your health and happiness and affect your kids. But it's your life. If you feel you are somehow responsible for your grandpa, dad, disturbed sister, and other adults in your DNA collection, without them even treating you well, then you do what you have to do. Grandpa's voluntary monetary gifts were nice, but right now he is calling in the chips. "I gave you money so you owe me your health and happiness by making sure I don't go into a home even though I'm very sick and can't see and refuse to wear any sort of Life Alert." This is unreasonable. He is deliberately making your job harder by refusing to wear life alert. Makes no sense other than he is stubborn and you are going to put up with whatever he wants whether you like it or not (my guess about his thinking). Confused, it's up to you. You can always change your mind and say "no." If you need to work, you need to work. in my humble opinion Your kids should not have to put up with the kind of nonsense Grandpa just did by kicking you and son out of his home. That's my opinion...nobody has a right to abuse you, even if they did you some favors (probably to ensure you'd feel indebted to them later on). My Dad gave me money here and there and was shocked when I finally told him to keep his money and his inheritance, but I refuse to talk to him if he is abusive, yelling, and demeaning me. I never expected to hear from him again or get any money from him and I didn't care anymore. When I told him this, it was after he had cursed me out and I said it in a very calm, low, but firm voice. "Dad, I'm sorry. I am done listening to anybody yelling or abusing me. I'd love to talk to you anytime you want a mutually respectful discussion, but I will not listen to abuse." Then I hung up. You're not "allowed" to hang up on my father, although he is allowed to hang up on YOU and call you every rotten name in the book, so I figured he'd never call me again and and I accepted it. I was shaking from that phone call and many, many others through the years and decided I was done allowing him to put me into that state. He is 90. He called again and has treated me with more respect than ever before because he knows I have strong limits these days. He also knows his money will not influence what I let him get away with. I feel silly that I waited for so long to stop our abusive relationship. Sometimes to get a better life for ourselves and our children we need to take risks and try new things. I feel bad that you put so much on your plate and feel obligated about it. Really, an assisted living home could take better care of Grandpa than you can and you could visit, even visit every day, and it would not be so stressful. Dad and Sis can't be helping your peace of mind either. Anyhow...I hope you choose yourself one day and I am sorry you are struggling now. Wishing you peace and serenity. [/QUOTE]
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