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Substance Abuse
Emergency custody order, didn't go as planned.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 631200" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>So Sad, I'm sorry about your father. How horrible for all of you, including your difficult child, especially if they were close.There are often reasons our drug using adult childern can look back on and say, "I started because..." and some are really horrific situations, such as yours. Let me share, since you did, that my daughter also started weed at twelve. I didn't even know, at the time, that kids used weed at twelve. Color me naive as a blushing bride!</p><p></p><p>My daughter had gone through a lot. At eight years old she was brutally sexually assaulted by a grown man she didn't know at a friend's house. He was drunk. For some reason, that still puzzles me and makes me feel guilty, she didn't tell us it happened until she was fourteen, after the drugs started. When asked why she didn't tell, she said, "I was ashamed. He said it was my fault and that he'd kill me and my family if I told." Typical crazy pervert's words to a little girl. Makes me ill every time I think of it. On top of that, my husband and I divorced and we moved her out of state and she was very shy. Nobody spoke to her for weeks, until the "bad" kids, for lack of a better word, saw her and decided to befriend her. One thing about the drug users and troubled crowd...they are friendlier and more accepting than other kids, who are busy doing their teen thing. My daughter desperately wanted friends so she joined them. Showing how sad society is, she became one of the most popular kids at school and other kids envied her because boys loved her. She was adopted from Korea (another challenge) and looked exactly like your stereotypical little China doll that boys seem to love Once she started u sing speed, she became skinny and boys loved her even more.</p><p></p><p>Now that she is clean, she tells me her very main reason for the drugs was just to make friends as nobody would speak to the new kid on the block. She was not trying to rebel or leave society or screw us (her parents)...it was all about just getting some peer attention. She denies the rape as the reason, as the lifestyle put her at more risk for more rapes, she says. But she did not cooperate with counseling and a stint in a psychiatric hospital after pulling a knife on herself was a joke. Because she tested negative for drugs they told us she didn't have a drug problem even though she told them she did. It's insane.</p><p></p><p>So now what? Horrible things happened that preceded the drug use. Would they have used drugs without the event(s)? We will never know because they happened. And for our grown children to have a decent life, no matter why they first started using drugs and no matter what horrible things they will need to work out after the drugs are gone, they still need to first stop t he drug use. I feel for what happened to your son and my daughter. They are real and hurt. But our children chose very self-destructive ways of dealing with these events, even though both of us were very willing to help them in any way they wanted. And they knew it.</p><p></p><p>I personally feel you have the right instincts and are on the right path. Sometimes doing nothing for somebody helps more than trying to fix another person, which can't be done. I sort of felt that if my daughter was comfortable and warm and fuzzy while using heavy drugs, stealing, lying, sneaking out at night, getting friendly with the police, being on parole twice...well, I felt that making her life comfy cozy was the worst thing I could do to help her. Not to mention, I have a soft heart and would sometimes give in to her demands if she was living with me. So we asked her to leave and that's when she changed. She did have a place to stay and she got to leave the state (I feel this was a huge plus) but she was hardly coddled and loved on. She had to work without having a car, pay rent, help clean the house, cook dinner, and not even light up one cigarette because the brother she was staying with HATED drugs and was hardcore about anything to do with drugs and would have thrown her out on her tail if she had broken any rule he'd set down...even one time. And unlike us, he had no pity and the fact that she had no car in a rather big neighborhood was no excuse to him for her not to work. So she walked to and from work and she listened to him because she knew he meant everything he said. He wasn't very nice to her when she was there and she was limited to the basement except for meals and chores. She had time to think about her life and decided to turn it around. She is doing very well ten years after.</p><p></p><p>Well, that's my story. I wanted you to know that it's not a total 100% rule, but common for some event or several to perpetrate drug use. But it still has to be stopped, and the only one who can stop it is the user himself/herself. Hugs again for your hurting mommy heart. This is brutal, but we can get through it. We can't fix them, but we can fix us. And maybe, in doing so, that helps them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 631200, member: 1550"] So Sad, I'm sorry about your father. How horrible for all of you, including your difficult child, especially if they were close.There are often reasons our drug using adult childern can look back on and say, "I started because..." and some are really horrific situations, such as yours. Let me share, since you did, that my daughter also started weed at twelve. I didn't even know, at the time, that kids used weed at twelve. Color me naive as a blushing bride! My daughter had gone through a lot. At eight years old she was brutally sexually assaulted by a grown man she didn't know at a friend's house. He was drunk. For some reason, that still puzzles me and makes me feel guilty, she didn't tell us it happened until she was fourteen, after the drugs started. When asked why she didn't tell, she said, "I was ashamed. He said it was my fault and that he'd kill me and my family if I told." Typical crazy pervert's words to a little girl. Makes me ill every time I think of it. On top of that, my husband and I divorced and we moved her out of state and she was very shy. Nobody spoke to her for weeks, until the "bad" kids, for lack of a better word, saw her and decided to befriend her. One thing about the drug users and troubled crowd...they are friendlier and more accepting than other kids, who are busy doing their teen thing. My daughter desperately wanted friends so she joined them. Showing how sad society is, she became one of the most popular kids at school and other kids envied her because boys loved her. She was adopted from Korea (another challenge) and looked exactly like your stereotypical little China doll that boys seem to love Once she started u sing speed, she became skinny and boys loved her even more. Now that she is clean, she tells me her very main reason for the drugs was just to make friends as nobody would speak to the new kid on the block. She was not trying to rebel or leave society or screw us (her parents)...it was all about just getting some peer attention. She denies the rape as the reason, as the lifestyle put her at more risk for more rapes, she says. But she did not cooperate with counseling and a stint in a psychiatric hospital after pulling a knife on herself was a joke. Because she tested negative for drugs they told us she didn't have a drug problem even though she told them she did. It's insane. So now what? Horrible things happened that preceded the drug use. Would they have used drugs without the event(s)? We will never know because they happened. And for our grown children to have a decent life, no matter why they first started using drugs and no matter what horrible things they will need to work out after the drugs are gone, they still need to first stop t he drug use. I feel for what happened to your son and my daughter. They are real and hurt. But our children chose very self-destructive ways of dealing with these events, even though both of us were very willing to help them in any way they wanted. And they knew it. I personally feel you have the right instincts and are on the right path. Sometimes doing nothing for somebody helps more than trying to fix another person, which can't be done. I sort of felt that if my daughter was comfortable and warm and fuzzy while using heavy drugs, stealing, lying, sneaking out at night, getting friendly with the police, being on parole twice...well, I felt that making her life comfy cozy was the worst thing I could do to help her. Not to mention, I have a soft heart and would sometimes give in to her demands if she was living with me. So we asked her to leave and that's when she changed. She did have a place to stay and she got to leave the state (I feel this was a huge plus) but she was hardly coddled and loved on. She had to work without having a car, pay rent, help clean the house, cook dinner, and not even light up one cigarette because the brother she was staying with HATED drugs and was hardcore about anything to do with drugs and would have thrown her out on her tail if she had broken any rule he'd set down...even one time. And unlike us, he had no pity and the fact that she had no car in a rather big neighborhood was no excuse to him for her not to work. So she walked to and from work and she listened to him because she knew he meant everything he said. He wasn't very nice to her when she was there and she was limited to the basement except for meals and chores. She had time to think about her life and decided to turn it around. She is doing very well ten years after. Well, that's my story. I wanted you to know that it's not a total 100% rule, but common for some event or several to perpetrate drug use. But it still has to be stopped, and the only one who can stop it is the user himself/herself. Hugs again for your hurting mommy heart. This is brutal, but we can get through it. We can't fix them, but we can fix us. And maybe, in doing so, that helps them. [/QUOTE]
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