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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742793" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Oh, Jenna, I hear the pain behind this question. As others have already said, too often addiction and drugging behaviors are just a symptom of deeper problems rather than the primary problem. If those problems are not addressed, there will still be problematic behaviors even without the drugs. It may be that your daughter has a personality disorder, or is dealing with some deep depresssion or another brain chemical imbalance, or is unable to feel empathy. None of those things EXCUSE the way she is treating you or her own children. But they may explain it. </p><p></p><p>In the end, the diagnosis doesn’t matter. What matters is how she is behaving, and the fact that she is unwilling to go to therapy or otherwise get help for herself. It doesn’t sound like she believes there is anything wrong with her that needs fixing (which is itself a symptom of many mental illnesses). And as so many of us have learned through great pain, as parents we have no real power here to get unwilling adult children into treatment. You can’t change her. Perhaps one day she will have an epiphany that will lead her to change, but you can’t make that happen. </p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like she is indeed punishing you because you have found your voice and set some boundaries. She is used to getting what she wants from you, when she wants it, and now feels entitled. She thinks what is yours is rightfully hers and she has been wronged because you are holding back support she expected you to give. Your granddaughter is the hostage here. She knows how much it hurts you to withhold contact and wants you to give in to her demands. But you know if you give in the demands will only continue and escalate. She will still feel entitled, and you will have taught her that hostage taking works. </p><p></p><p>Early boundary setting is hell. It has taken me years to get to the point where my two accept my no without getting angry. Mostly, they kmow better than to ask on things they already know I’ll say no to. But I endured a lot of entitled tantrums for a while when I was learning to set my boundaries. It may be that your daughter will calm down eventually and accept your new boundaries. Or it may be that she never will, and the best thing for all involved will be if she loses custody of your granddaughter and the new baby to come. </p><p></p><p>In the meantime, give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and quiet! You deserve it. You have done everything you can for your daughter and are maintaining the connections you can with your grands. SWOT has given you great advice on taking care of you. Find your joy, and give yourself permission to feel it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742793, member: 23349"] Oh, Jenna, I hear the pain behind this question. As others have already said, too often addiction and drugging behaviors are just a symptom of deeper problems rather than the primary problem. If those problems are not addressed, there will still be problematic behaviors even without the drugs. It may be that your daughter has a personality disorder, or is dealing with some deep depresssion or another brain chemical imbalance, or is unable to feel empathy. None of those things EXCUSE the way she is treating you or her own children. But they may explain it. In the end, the diagnosis doesn’t matter. What matters is how she is behaving, and the fact that she is unwilling to go to therapy or otherwise get help for herself. It doesn’t sound like she believes there is anything wrong with her that needs fixing (which is itself a symptom of many mental illnesses). And as so many of us have learned through great pain, as parents we have no real power here to get unwilling adult children into treatment. You can’t change her. Perhaps one day she will have an epiphany that will lead her to change, but you can’t make that happen. It sounds to me like she is indeed punishing you because you have found your voice and set some boundaries. She is used to getting what she wants from you, when she wants it, and now feels entitled. She thinks what is yours is rightfully hers and she has been wronged because you are holding back support she expected you to give. Your granddaughter is the hostage here. She knows how much it hurts you to withhold contact and wants you to give in to her demands. But you know if you give in the demands will only continue and escalate. She will still feel entitled, and you will have taught her that hostage taking works. Early boundary setting is hell. It has taken me years to get to the point where my two accept my no without getting angry. Mostly, they kmow better than to ask on things they already know I’ll say no to. But I endured a lot of entitled tantrums for a while when I was learning to set my boundaries. It may be that your daughter will calm down eventually and accept your new boundaries. Or it may be that she never will, and the best thing for all involved will be if she loses custody of your granddaughter and the new baby to come. In the meantime, give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and quiet! You deserve it. You have done everything you can for your daughter and are maintaining the connections you can with your grands. SWOT has given you great advice on taking care of you. Find your joy, and give yourself permission to feel it. [/QUOTE]
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