Empathy. Can it be taught to somebody that doesn't already have it?

[DammitJanet]

I have probably whined and complained on here about Tony enough lately that people who havent been here long probably think he is awful. He isnt. Trust me on this one, if he acted like what yours is acting, he would be gone. Of course, we have been together 30 years now and issues come up from time to time that need to be worked through and right now we are in one of those periods.

No one should have to live with someone who is a leach who wont even pretend to try to be nice. He wont go get the groceries....I would go inside and grab him by the ear and drag him to the car to make him get them. My rule here is if I buy them someone else has to bring them in. If I get home and there isnt anyone home, I bring in the stuff that has to go in the freezer/fridge and leave the rest. Someone else will get the rest. I am not capable of doing it all.

You work hard, you are also a single parent. That is two full time jobs. He is lazy. I dont know what his job is but if he makes that low a wage it cant be much. I cant imagine why he can only pay that amount of money in rent unless he is on disability. If he is, tell him to go get public housing. If he is able to work, then stop being lazy and work. Of course that isnt your problem. He isnt going to change. He is too old to change. No one changes at 50. It doesnt matter what his parents did or didnt do for him. Tony's parents gave him almost nothing for xmas...oranges, a 2 liter drink and the boys all shared some sort of ball. Believe me my boys didnt suffer the same fate and we were poor.

I am very disabled and Tony brings we my dinner plate almost every nite even after I have made the meal because he knows cooking has taken everything out of me. I have to go sit down. Tony and I do have our arguments over how much he thinks I can do but in the end we are still here. We dont do a whole lot of gifts to each other but believe you me, there is absolutely no doubt the love. Ask people here who have met us.

 

[SuZir]

It's time to cut your losses CB now that they are still relatively small. This is not a guy who would give you what you want from boyfriend/husband and you will not meet anyone else, if you are with him. And to be frank, right now you are not getting anything from him. Little money, but not enough to cover the inconvenience and not even sex. You have no use for this loser (and that is, what he is.)

I know you wouldn't like to be a single, but it is better than being tied to a guy who is not giving you anything you want from boyfriend. When he cut him loose, you can open your eyes to other possibilities. It is summer and people are outside and on the move so easier to meet new people. And you have time after your summer vacation starts.

 

[susiestar]

I don't think you really love him. You love the IDEA of having a person who loves you. You don't really know what that is like from what I can tell. This guy sure isn't in love with you, or loving toward you. He was loving when you were skinny and his idea of 'hot'. Not enough for it to last, but he treated you well because he KNEW you could get another guy by snapping your fingers. You settled for him because he treated you well. then you gained some weight and he saw you didn't have great self esteem so he didn't have to work so hard to keep you. You had a mom, so-called friends, an ex and kids all telling you how ugly you were and what a loser you were and he knew you would put up with anything because you put up with all of thsoe people. So he stopped treating you well, then started the mooching, and finally played on your sympathy to get into your home and now? He is not willing to do ANYTHING to treat you well, not even so much as to pick up after himself. Why should he? You clearly don't think you deserve more or you would have kicked him to the curb.

Give him a get out date and get yourself involved with something that interests you. Take a class in quilting, crocheting, knitting, sewing, cooking, horseback riding, or whatever else interests you. Or join an organization that helps people or advocates for something. Figure out what you are interested in and as you do that thing, you will meet someone with like interests. Then you can build a relationship where you treat each other well.

You cannot go back and do this with the guy currently living on your couch. Your home is too small for you and your chidl to have your own rooms, and with this guy on the couch the setup is not good or healthy. In fact, some courts would take your daughter away because you have a man living in the home and there are not enough separate bedroom for you and for your daughter to each have one and for this guy to have one. It is a basic rule in MOST communities that you need a bedroom for the couple and for the child, or if the couple sleeps apart then the adults and the child all need their own bedrooms. I have had friends in many different towns who ended up gaining what they wanted in custody because their spouse did't have a bedroom for the girls and one for the boys (if they had both) and one for the adult. In most apartment complexes this is written itno the lease and you can be tossed out for having another person there with-o enough bedrooms and with-o adding them to the lease (which makes the rent higher of course).

get this guy OUT before you either end up in custody trouble or else with the apt mgr saying you have violated your lease. this guy is NOT a prince and does NOT deserve you. Not only can he not learn empathy, it is n't worth the effort to even attempt to figure out how to teach it to him.

You deserve so very much more. Go and find it!