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Enabling Gone to Far
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 664822" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Wendy and Welcome.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry. My son was on drugs too, and completely out of control. I tried to let him live here, and did a lot of talking, begging, crying, making agreements, writing contracts. On and on. None of it changed a thing. His behavior ramped up and up and he would not go by any "house rules" so I told him he had to leave.</p><p></p><p>Now, fast forward, roughly five years later, he is doing so much better. There is been a lot of pain, despair, sadness, grief, fear in between. He has been in jail multiple times and homeless multiple times. I had to "let" that happen, in the end; at first I intervened a lot by hiring lawyers, paying for bail, arranging for him to stay in other places. </p><p></p><p>Finally, I had to stop doing that too. This journey is a step by step process, and it is very hard for mothers and sons. I believe that is the hardest relationship when there is addiction---the mother and the son. I don't know why but I believe it's true.</p><p></p><p>I think you are getting some good thinking here already. When your son is threatening you in your own home, that can't continue. That is a deal breaker. There is a lot of gray area in a lot of the path of stopping enabling, but that isn't. Your safety and your having a sanctuary---your own home--where you can rest and have peace, quiet, contentment, serenity---that has to be #1. </p><p></p><p>I know how very hard it is to tell your own son to leave, but at times, it is a necessary step.</p><p></p><p>Your son will continue doing what he does...until he gets sick and tired of it...so sick and tired that he is motivated...within himself...to stop.</p><p></p><p>I have called the police multiple times on my son. One Thanksgiving he broke into our garage, my parents were here from out of town, and when I found out he was here, asleep out there, I went to the garage, and tears streaming down my face, I told him he had to leave. He was exhausted and high and out of it, but I said you can't stay here. </p><p></p><p>Then I called the police and asked them if they could help me. They came, and they spent a lot of time talking to him. They even offered to videotape him and show the tape back to him so he could see what they saw in his appearance and his demeanor. Of course he would have none of that. </p><p></p><p>I love my son very much and today we have a great relationship, but I had to get very clear and very strong about what I was going to do and not do. It is so hard, Wendy. Believe me, I know that.</p><p></p><p>But I believe this will all of my heart: If we can get out of the way...then they have a chance to change.</p><p>As long as we continue to catch them when they fall...over and over and over...the message is they don't have to live life on life's terms...themselves.</p><p></p><p>How do you do this? It's one thing to think it...and believe it...and it's another thing to do it. You have to work on yourself, get a lot of good support and take better care of yourself (rest, exercise, healthy distractions, etc.) because this is a hard road. We have to make decisions and do things that most parents never would dream of considering doing.</p><p></p><p>We don't want to, either, but nothing else we have ever tried has worked, and it is killing us...and them.</p><p></p><p>We can help you here. We can offer up a lot of support, kindness and specific ideas and steps you can take. Books you can read. Places you can go, like Al-Anon, to help you reinforce your new ways of thinking, and get support from people who have been right where you are, right now. This site is a wealth of recovery information. </p><p></p><p>We have to recover from enabling, just like they have to recover from addiction. It's the same path, that we both have to take, and it's hard and filled with relapse.</p><p></p><p>You didn't cause this, Wendy, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Those are the Three Cs of Al-Anon, and they are the truth.</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here, and we are here for you. Warm hugs today. Let us know what you need and how we can help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 664822, member: 17542"] Hi Wendy and Welcome. I'm so sorry. My son was on drugs too, and completely out of control. I tried to let him live here, and did a lot of talking, begging, crying, making agreements, writing contracts. On and on. None of it changed a thing. His behavior ramped up and up and he would not go by any "house rules" so I told him he had to leave. Now, fast forward, roughly five years later, he is doing so much better. There is been a lot of pain, despair, sadness, grief, fear in between. He has been in jail multiple times and homeless multiple times. I had to "let" that happen, in the end; at first I intervened a lot by hiring lawyers, paying for bail, arranging for him to stay in other places. Finally, I had to stop doing that too. This journey is a step by step process, and it is very hard for mothers and sons. I believe that is the hardest relationship when there is addiction---the mother and the son. I don't know why but I believe it's true. I think you are getting some good thinking here already. When your son is threatening you in your own home, that can't continue. That is a deal breaker. There is a lot of gray area in a lot of the path of stopping enabling, but that isn't. Your safety and your having a sanctuary---your own home--where you can rest and have peace, quiet, contentment, serenity---that has to be #1. I know how very hard it is to tell your own son to leave, but at times, it is a necessary step. Your son will continue doing what he does...until he gets sick and tired of it...so sick and tired that he is motivated...within himself...to stop. I have called the police multiple times on my son. One Thanksgiving he broke into our garage, my parents were here from out of town, and when I found out he was here, asleep out there, I went to the garage, and tears streaming down my face, I told him he had to leave. He was exhausted and high and out of it, but I said you can't stay here. Then I called the police and asked them if they could help me. They came, and they spent a lot of time talking to him. They even offered to videotape him and show the tape back to him so he could see what they saw in his appearance and his demeanor. Of course he would have none of that. I love my son very much and today we have a great relationship, but I had to get very clear and very strong about what I was going to do and not do. It is so hard, Wendy. Believe me, I know that. But I believe this will all of my heart: If we can get out of the way...then they have a chance to change. As long as we continue to catch them when they fall...over and over and over...the message is they don't have to live life on life's terms...themselves. How do you do this? It's one thing to think it...and believe it...and it's another thing to do it. You have to work on yourself, get a lot of good support and take better care of yourself (rest, exercise, healthy distractions, etc.) because this is a hard road. We have to make decisions and do things that most parents never would dream of considering doing. We don't want to, either, but nothing else we have ever tried has worked, and it is killing us...and them. We can help you here. We can offer up a lot of support, kindness and specific ideas and steps you can take. Books you can read. Places you can go, like Al-Anon, to help you reinforce your new ways of thinking, and get support from people who have been right where you are, right now. This site is a wealth of recovery information. We have to recover from enabling, just like they have to recover from addiction. It's the same path, that we both have to take, and it's hard and filled with relapse. You didn't cause this, Wendy, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Those are the Three Cs of Al-Anon, and they are the truth. We are glad you are here, and we are here for you. Warm hugs today. Let us know what you need and how we can help. [/QUOTE]
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