Enforcing Boundaries through the Fits

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Jan 9, 2009.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    Thanks all for the support. Tonight was rough.She just had a 3 hour fit about going to the using friends or going to a party place. I maintained though did waver several times. She did share she saw her 20 year old boyfriend at the college today. A few days ago I told her freinds only for now. She really escalated tonight. She hasn't eaten today or exercised. She was crying and making all kinds of threats and she threw stuff at me. She is still here though:) and she has volleyballl and Humane Society tomorrow. She has been very difant and noncompliant and angry. The crying that is actaully progress. For me, it is huge progress not giving in!!!! The girl she wants to spend the night with is the girl she was drivng with when she has her first accident in July and they all took off and she got charged with leaving the scene and some other stuff. She is on probation (suspended sentence) until March. I cannot let her take any risks that will jepordize that. Half the time she seems about ages 2-5, sometmes goes up till age 9. Pretty scary stuff and needs so much supervison and guidance.
    She has gained 15 pounds:Abilify plus Depovera. However, she teends to eat tons of unk food. i do not have it around here but that is what she will eat. I am avoiding power stuggles. I maintained my calm pretty well tongiht. husband got reactive at times and my son a few tiems but I maintained the calm, told her I loved her but she could not go party of spend night at C's.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hang in the Compassion. Hopefully one day the light bulb will click and she will want what is good for her. I hope that your diligence pays off.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Good for you! You did GREAT! It is so hard to hold the calm in an endless tantrum.

    Find that one statment you want to make and that is the ONLY thing you reply during the entire tantrum. An example is when my non-easy child diva was trying everything under the sun to get something back from me. No matter what her tactic (and in true tantrum style, she went through lots including trying to get her dad on her side) whenever I felt the need to say anything, I would only say, "It will be returned when the dishes are done."

    Your daughter will try every tactic you can think of and then a whole lot more that only desperate kids can make sense of.

    You are doing such a good job. I know it is extremely difficult - 54 days of putting that wall between her and her dangers. But then look at it as 54 successful days. Wow! Keep that number growing!
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Compassion!
    Isn't it amazing how she can last so long, raging and having a fit, with no food?

    You made the absolute right decision. And don't forget, if your teenage kids don't tell you they hate you at least once during their teen yrs, you aren't doing your job!
    (I tell myself that quite often.)

    I am sorry about the older boyfriend. Sigh.

    Good luck tonight and tomorrow. I'm pulling for you.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sorry to hear it's been a rough night- as far as eating- many (if not all) mood stabilizers cause compulsion for eating- I'd let that go at this point in time. I realize that she might be too old for TEC techniques in the simplified form, but still, maybe choosing your battles would help ease your stress.

    As far as enforcing boundaries through times like this- I struggle with that a lot and it takes reminders and help from others on the board many times. Still, I have no set plan that always works. I try to remember though, that if it's severe raging or mania, forget any behavioral plan- either it is let go at that moment or outside enforcements are called. By "let go", I just mean for that moment because we will not be able to settle things rationally and any reminder of consequences is just going to fuel things more.

    But, I go to extremes to try to not give in and break one of of house rules or comply with a "demand" that I would not otherwise give. I will tell difficult child that when/if he can "chill out" and sit and talk about it calmly, I am happy to discuss what is bothering him and what he wants, but he does not get what he wants this way. Yes, this spurs raging and sometimes even aggression. I can only hope that somehow, my handling it calmly but firmly, trying very hard to not do anything to escalate the situation but not "giving in" somehow helps him progress.

    So, if you're able to hold your own through this without letting your emotions take over or giving in, I think you've done all you can. I know it puts a LOT of pressure on us as parents to try to deal with legal issues (that we are held at least somewhat responsible for) on top of mental health issues on top of typical parental caring and typical teen stuff. I wish I could say I had a magic answer. Many times, I just post and ask for the reminders that help me get through those nights.

    I'm sorry it's been a long one for you.....
  6. cadydid

    cadydid New Member

    I'm sorry you had a bad night.. but glad that you were able to stand your ground. I think that may be hard under the best of circumstances.. I know it is for me. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
  7. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    YAY for you for keeping calm!!! I think that's one of the toughest things to do when they rage. You're doing great!
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How is she today?