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Parent Emeritus
Enough pain, lies and hurt - the boy needs to go.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 643381" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome MNLTD, glad you found us, but really so sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p>Which ever way you decide to go with your son, you might benefit from reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. If your son is bi-polar or has a conduct disorder, boundaries for you will need to be put in place. Abusing you is not healthy for you or for him. If your son does in fact have a disorder, you might contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have excellent courses for us parents and resources for us and for our kids. They are a very good source of information and help. </p><p></p><p>Getting support in some fashion for you is a good idea. This stuff is grueling, exhausting and depletes us of our life force. Private therapy is often the choice many of us make, so we can have a safe place to vent, get guidance and compassion, empathy, understanding and help in making a plan of action. You might try Al Anon, many parents find great solace in the 12 step programs. Once you get that in place, you will find that dealing with your son's issues will get a tad easier and you can make the appropriate choices for yourself and the rest of your family.</p><p></p><p>The bottom line is that your son may or may not change. We have no control over that. Once you've done all you can do for him, which you may have reached already, the realization dawns on us that there is nothing further we can do, that any real change has to come from your son, he has to want to change, there isn't anything you can do to make that happen. If he is bi-polar and agrees to go on medication, that would be great. Just know that not all people with bipolar agree to medication. If he doesn't then you will need to make choices to protect yourself. Boundaries around their negative behavior is the key. Learning how to do that become our job. One of those boundaries for many of us is to physically separate ourselves from our adult kids, we need to detach from their behavior, their choices, their lifestyle and their treatment of us.</p><p></p><p>When you do make any changes, he will likely respond in a negative way. If you have been taking care of him and you stop, on any level, the result is often a barrage of negativity, blame, guilt and manipulation coming our way. Be prepared for that if you change the way you've been dealing with him.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting it is helpful. Get support for yourself, that is key. With support you can make the changes necessary. It's a tough road, it goes against our own way of parenting and thinking, it takes time, it's a process.........I'm glad you're here.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 643381, member: 13542"] Welcome MNLTD, glad you found us, but really so sorry you had to. Which ever way you decide to go with your son, you might benefit from reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. If your son is bi-polar or has a conduct disorder, boundaries for you will need to be put in place. Abusing you is not healthy for you or for him. If your son does in fact have a disorder, you might contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have excellent courses for us parents and resources for us and for our kids. They are a very good source of information and help. Getting support in some fashion for you is a good idea. This stuff is grueling, exhausting and depletes us of our life force. Private therapy is often the choice many of us make, so we can have a safe place to vent, get guidance and compassion, empathy, understanding and help in making a plan of action. You might try Al Anon, many parents find great solace in the 12 step programs. Once you get that in place, you will find that dealing with your son's issues will get a tad easier and you can make the appropriate choices for yourself and the rest of your family. The bottom line is that your son may or may not change. We have no control over that. Once you've done all you can do for him, which you may have reached already, the realization dawns on us that there is nothing further we can do, that any real change has to come from your son, he has to want to change, there isn't anything you can do to make that happen. If he is bi-polar and agrees to go on medication, that would be great. Just know that not all people with bipolar agree to medication. If he doesn't then you will need to make choices to protect yourself. Boundaries around their negative behavior is the key. Learning how to do that become our job. One of those boundaries for many of us is to physically separate ourselves from our adult kids, we need to detach from their behavior, their choices, their lifestyle and their treatment of us. When you do make any changes, he will likely respond in a negative way. If you have been taking care of him and you stop, on any level, the result is often a barrage of negativity, blame, guilt and manipulation coming our way. Be prepared for that if you change the way you've been dealing with him. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting it is helpful. Get support for yourself, that is key. With support you can make the changes necessary. It's a tough road, it goes against our own way of parenting and thinking, it takes time, it's a process.........I'm glad you're here......... [/QUOTE]
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Enough pain, lies and hurt - the boy needs to go.
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