Enquiring minds would like to know :O)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    difficult child (and the rescuing male) were planning to meet us at the storage unit on Friday to collect difficult child's things. Everything else will go to Goodwill. Then, to spend the weekend with us.

    Yesterday, difficult child had a moment. She was talking about getting her kids back. Talking about how nasty the ex-husband was, in telling difficult child's sons what he had, about their mother. I told difficult child she needed to be grateful to ex-husband. That now, or any time soon, is too soon for her to have her children back. That what the kids need now is stability, is going to the same school for a whole year, is living with family who love them so they can recover from the chaos of the past months.

    Initially, difficult child was angry, then claimed what she felt was sadness.

    Said things like the only reason she was "doing this" was to get her kids back.

    Does anyone else see where this is going?

    difficult child calls again, later that afternoon. I would say she had been drinking. She was definitely slurring her speech. This was a crisis call. She needed to hitchhike the couple of hundred miles back to the city she had just been rescued from. Said she would make it out to our house, if she could. (We are an hour from the city.) Said she was in danger, That the "rescuer" had turned on her. Did not want the police. Would not tell us where, exactly, she was so we could go pick her up. Said she did not have time to wait. Hung up unexpectedly, after telling me repeatedly that she loved me. (I feel difficult child was playing me so blatantly by this time that even I could see it.)

    difficult child did not make it home, of course. If she made it anywhere, it was back to the people she has been living with for the past months. I heard, via Facebook, from the rescuer this morning. I believe he may still have her. Which would explain the strange phone cal from difficult child. She had ducked into a bar somewhere, and the rescuing male came looking for, and found her.

    And dragged her back up North.

    When I thought about it...this is what happens, when people are trying to steer a better path.

    I am grateful to the rescuing male.

    So, while it doesn't sound like it at first glance...things are good.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Scent....your daughter doesnt really want this help on the surface. Maybe somewhere deep inside there is a seed of hope but right now she is probably going through withdrawals. Not only from substances but from chaos. It seems certain people have to live in a state of chaos in order to feel normal. Think about it, life was filled with some sort of excitement daily even if its not the type of excitement we would think is fun. She probably misses having every moment filled with drama. She has no clue how to live without it now.

    Of course she wants to blame this man for keeping her away. What he is doing to help save her from herself, is keeping her from that all wanted drama and she doesnt want him to pull her away.

    Makes sense to me.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    That is so true, Skotti! I can remember that being part of the problem when difficult child would come home when she was younger and had been running with that violent crowd. Addiction to that adrenaline rush, right? I hadn't even thought about that, Skotti. difficult child DID say they weren't doing much, and that there was no one around and nothing much to do, where they are, now.

    I have heard from difficult child this morning. She is still with the rescuer. Happily or not, she is the best place she could be, I think. Given that she left treatment AMA. At that time? She took a cab back to the city where the bad people are. $150 plus tip cabfare. She had her tax money, then.

    I don't know how the rescuer is putting up with it ~ but I do know husband and I would not have been able to stop her.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I get it. I have two who want the excitement and arent happy unless something is going on. I will be darned if I can figure out how someone wanders around at night but then wants to sleep all day. Ticks me off. I want to be the one laying around in bed but I cant because I have one of his kids to worry about!
  5. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I hope at a minimum she stays there till she has leveled out and is ready to get help.

    No matter how bad it hurt her to hear it she doesn't need the kids right now, she just proved that by trying to run away again.

    Being a parent isn't a magic wand you are still the person you are when you aren't parenting. For many of us, we up the responsibility level and try to keep life on an even surface- read boring- level. But if you have a head for chaos you will just take the kids through that chaos with you. Sometimes even when you like the peace you can't have it. I'm trying myself to figure out how much the mental health issues combine with who you actually are and then factoring medication into the whole mix. I wish it was an easy answer like 2+2=4, treatment plus medication equals stable adult that can help parent but the mental illness is still there waiting to spring up and drag everyone down.

    I don't mean to be depressing just some thoughts I've been having.

    -hugs- glad she is safe.
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Skotti? I would be upset too, if I were mothering someone's child and the parent took advantage of my kindness to fool around. A day or two is one thing, but not as a matter of course. We are the GRANDMOTHERS. This is our time to be special, and to do special things for our grandchildren, so they will remember, and know they are extraordinary people. We are there to help them be stronger, to help them be healthier for having had someone love them so much and take such joy and such pride in them.

    I have six grandchildren. Two girls, four boys. Off and on, we have raised one or both girls. One time? I tried to register one granddaughter in school? And because I did not have custody, they would not take her. So I had to do emergency home schooling! We did okay, though. Two times, I had to do that, I think. The second time wasn't as scary.

    Now, where was I?

    How are you going to handle the situation?


    Dixie's_fire...a head for chaos. That feels right. I have heard my daughter say things like she wished she could just rest, or that she wished she were "normal." But you are right. Even her normal was never normal. She would mix things up ~ breakfast for dinner, dinner for breakfast. It was never enough just to cook ~ difficult child became a gourmet cook, flaming things and soaking and marinading and buying all kinds of special tools. (She did not learn that from me ~ happily enough, I've never flamed or soaked a thing in my life.)


    The more I am remembering, the more I see that concept "a head for chaos."

    difficult child does love flying by the seat of her pants. She can pull off the most amazing things, too.

    But boy, when she falls....

    Dixies_fire, I have been so into how awful everything has been that I haven't thought of all those crazy, wonderful, strong things that are true about difficult child too, for a long time. We cannot let her have the kids back yet, of course ~ but I have been so worried about difficult child, or so whacked out over the things she's done and the people she's done those things with that I'd forgotten how much I enjoy her.

    It's like I have been able to add another facet of who difficult child is to what I know about who difficult child is.

    A "head for chaos".

    I wonder whether it is a head for chaos as much as it is that predictable things can be scary, sometimes? Better to shake it up, better to rebel, than to be stagnant.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I dont mind the one but the younger is a bit harder for me. Right now we are just working on things.

    Now about the head for chaos. I had never actually considered calling it that but you know my diagnosis's and I do have issues with my mind racing. I would probably be much more active but my diagnosis's sort of cancel each other out. I once told a doctor that having mixed states (which is what I normally have...or very rapid cycling) in my body is like a person who is confined to a bed but wants to desperately climb the walls. I simply dont have the ability to go go go like I did when I was younger. I want to but I cant. Very frustrating! I have to watch myself because I tend to go Ebay instead when I get like that!
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Skotti, that DOES sound alot like what difficult child described feeling last Fall. Except she would hear scary things, too. Things that weren't there.

    So, this is the update on difficult child.

    She called four days ago. They were doing fine. She was happy to have been rescued. Reported plans for finding work and putting her life back together. The plan was to get a car, and to go and get her kids. I told her that would be the wrong thing to do. That the kids are adjusting well, and that she should try to see their safety and stability as blessings. difficult child's response was that the only reason she was "doing this" was to get her kids back. (Trying to get better is what she meant, I think ~ although, as you know, difficult child did not voluntarily leave with the rescuer ~ he dragged her out.) That night, we received another call from difficult child. She had been drinking. The rescuer was a fearsome person, and she had made her escape. Frantic, panicked words. Fear in them. The next morning, it appeared that the rescuer had been able to drag difficult child back to the safe place in the North.

    Yesterday, difficult child called from a casino in the city where the bad man lives, and where she has spent the winter homeless.

    She has escaped the rescuer, is happily back with the baddies.

    But here is the good news.

    husband and I had a momentary lapse. We had believed we might be seeing difficult child this past weekend. What has happened is disappointing, but it is not a devastation. I feel badly for difficult child that this is so. Emotionally, she is slipping away from us. Her daughters are sometimes curious about difficult child. Mostly, they have gone on. Her sons, who are smaller and are with their father, have just gone on. Though it was hard to come back to this area, though any visit to the city where difficult child has been homeless has been a terrible experience for me...the last time we were there wasn't as harrowing as the first few times were. Even husband and I are going on, are accepting what is, in the most amazing way.

    What will there be for difficult child to come back to? Hearts don't really harden. But they do fill with other, fresher, happier things....

    Is that a piece of the reason mothers continue carrying that torch for their difficult child kids long past the time it makes any difference to anyone but the mother?

    Here is an interesting thing: You all know I am making a conscious effort to choose a more positive mindset. You know I have been working with the Joel Osteen and the Brene Brown materials. Even right now, I can feel the difference in the words I am choosing to interpret these last few experiences with difficult child to myself. I feel more welcoming to difficult child. I am able to remember so many positives. But I am not (and therefore, husband is less) devastated by her choice to go right back to that self-destructive lifestyle. Either we have done our grieving as we have had to accept what the ultimate outcome here might be...or we are actually able to make a difference for ourselves in consciously choosing a healthier emotional reaction to what our difficult child is doing.

    So, it seems that there is a way for parents to choose healthier emotional states for themselves. This would be possible for husband and I only because we aren't really dealing with anything physical. difficult child never comes home. We have not seen her in person since last October. We still have our grandchildren in our lives, etc.

    We DID go and empty that storage unit. (husband will be collecting the rest, today.) Both husband and I enjoyed it. While there were sad moments, it was fun to see difficult child's things, fun to smell the way her house used to smell. (Sort of a cinnamon/patchouli/taco seasoning smell. Much of what we recovered had been ours in the first place. Everything was clean, and had been carefully packed.

  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara, what a peaceful and calm post. And, in the midst of more difficult child 'stuff' too. Great job! All of your hard work of detaching and accepting has paid off, you are on the road out of devastation and on the road to recovery and health. I applaud you. I know what you've been through. I know how difficult it is. You found your own support systems, your own way, the people and books which would make this easier for you to comprehend and move on from.

    I sense a completion in your post, the recognition of just what we are not capable of doing, even with our mother's love...........it is certainly melancholy..........it is sad...........and yet one can emerge from this darkness and have a full life. I was glad to read your post about you and husband singing outside on a warm summer evening...........this is life..............emptying out the storage unit feels like a physical manifestation of what you and husband have been through, clearing out the remnants of what was, finding a place for those things and closing the door to that life............and you know when we close those doors, new doors open up for us. That is what I am finding. Your volunteer work, your relationship with your husband, your high heels.............all indicative of new life, new beginnings..............God bless you Barbara for finding some serenity in the midst of the chaos of someone else's life...............I am sending you all kinds of caring wishes and big hugs for your peace and joy to now be what your life is about...........