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Entitlement and superiority in typical siblings of troubled kids
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 644971" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thanks, guys! It is very possible we overreacted. Ache's situation is stressing us out badly (he seems to be doing fine currently, but...) and this simply was really out of line for our standards from Joy. Maybe because Ache has never seemed to be jealous or comparing who got what when it comes to Joy, not at least after very young and getting over the fact, that we actually brought "that thing" to live with us and it wasn't possible to take him back to hospital. We simply have not used to idea that Joy could come up with something displeasing that we haven't already been through with Ache <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> In fact we have not been used to idea that Joy could do or say much about anything to really upset us. And I think that neither is he.</p><p></p><p>Joy seems to be really taken aback by husband's reaction. Joy has always been easy going and smart kid. We have had very little reason to be angry with him. When he has done something wrong, he has usually noticed it already before we have even known about it. And because we learnt to resort heavily on positive reinforcement in child raring with Ache, we of course did so also with Joy. And when he actually did something wrong, best way to deal with it, was to talk it out with him. Being angry, yelling at him, scolding him or punishing him simply were not something that would had been needed or happen often with Joy. And especially husband has always been very close and affectionate with Joy, I doubt he has actually raised his voice to Joy more than handful of times in last decade. So husband reacting so strongly to this was big to Joy and he has been acting bit lost these few days (not that he has been home much, stayed with girlfriend and friends mostly, but when home, he seems to try to avoid me and husband.)</p><p></p><p>Usually we would make it easy for Joy to solve this situation, but husband is angry enough with Joy this time, that he wants to let Joy figure it out himself and I really don't want to intervene because this was mostly between them.</p><p></p><p>Sig: Unfortunately it at times feels, that problem is not that he is looking reassurance that he is loved as much as Ache but rather that he can't understand that Ache is actually loved as much as he is. On this board I of course write rather Ache-centric, because he is a reason I'm here. And my thoughts in all those long early morning hours I can't sleep may be Ache-centric, but from Joy's point of view Ache is in rather fringe of our family unit nowadays. Last four years he has been out of home. Been back for couple months every summer but often much on the go also then. He has all the time been hours away, even a year abroad. We talk with him on phone once or twice a week and we have visited him or he has come home for a weekend maybe every two months. We may catch his game from telly when available, but often not. I and husband discuss Ache's issues, when we even do that, mostly when Joy is not present. Ache is of course mentioned every now and then in passing and Joy and Ache do keep in touch themselves, but I'm sure days go by, that Ache doesn't even come to Joy mind at all (if he doesn't need someone to solve his math problems or write his poetry analyses for him.)</p><p></p><p>For Joy, we are always here. Talk with him daily, make sure he has his favourite snacks in the fridge, cook his favourite dishes, make packed food for the go if he needs to, give him allowance, give him rides and either I or husband or often both attend to almost all of his home games. We know his friends and show interest to his school work. We talk a lot around our dinner and breakfast tables both about daily things but also current events and news topics. Joy certainly is not lacking attention, instead probably thinks at times, that little less parental attention would be a very nice thing, if anything <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh GM, he does know that very well already. Ache has never had a car of his own but has always driven cars provided by all kinds of leasing contracts by the teams he has been playing for, or with borrowed cars (he too has been using mother in law's car in the past.) mother in law actually has two cars but doesn't drive at winter, so she has not minded borrowing them to her grandkids now and when, but I do understand Joy wanting his own car. And he doesn't have chance to work on top of school and his sport so coming by money for it on his own is not possible for him (especially because cars around here tend to cost something totally else than in US. Car taxes are sky high and we are remote market, so you can double the price of any car, new or used, in your market to get close to what we have to pay.) When the spring comes and mother in law will again start to drive her cars, we may indeed buy Joy a car or either of us will buy a new car for ourselves and let Joy drive the old one. And to be honest we would not have much against Joy asking us to get him a car, but trying to make it so, that we somehow owe him money for car, because we pay some medical expenses of Ache is simply outrageous to us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 644971, member: 14557"] Thanks, guys! It is very possible we overreacted. Ache's situation is stressing us out badly (he seems to be doing fine currently, but...) and this simply was really out of line for our standards from Joy. Maybe because Ache has never seemed to be jealous or comparing who got what when it comes to Joy, not at least after very young and getting over the fact, that we actually brought "that thing" to live with us and it wasn't possible to take him back to hospital. We simply have not used to idea that Joy could come up with something displeasing that we haven't already been through with Ache ;) In fact we have not been used to idea that Joy could do or say much about anything to really upset us. And I think that neither is he. Joy seems to be really taken aback by husband's reaction. Joy has always been easy going and smart kid. We have had very little reason to be angry with him. When he has done something wrong, he has usually noticed it already before we have even known about it. And because we learnt to resort heavily on positive reinforcement in child raring with Ache, we of course did so also with Joy. And when he actually did something wrong, best way to deal with it, was to talk it out with him. Being angry, yelling at him, scolding him or punishing him simply were not something that would had been needed or happen often with Joy. And especially husband has always been very close and affectionate with Joy, I doubt he has actually raised his voice to Joy more than handful of times in last decade. So husband reacting so strongly to this was big to Joy and he has been acting bit lost these few days (not that he has been home much, stayed with girlfriend and friends mostly, but when home, he seems to try to avoid me and husband.) Usually we would make it easy for Joy to solve this situation, but husband is angry enough with Joy this time, that he wants to let Joy figure it out himself and I really don't want to intervene because this was mostly between them. Sig: Unfortunately it at times feels, that problem is not that he is looking reassurance that he is loved as much as Ache but rather that he can't understand that Ache is actually loved as much as he is. On this board I of course write rather Ache-centric, because he is a reason I'm here. And my thoughts in all those long early morning hours I can't sleep may be Ache-centric, but from Joy's point of view Ache is in rather fringe of our family unit nowadays. Last four years he has been out of home. Been back for couple months every summer but often much on the go also then. He has all the time been hours away, even a year abroad. We talk with him on phone once or twice a week and we have visited him or he has come home for a weekend maybe every two months. We may catch his game from telly when available, but often not. I and husband discuss Ache's issues, when we even do that, mostly when Joy is not present. Ache is of course mentioned every now and then in passing and Joy and Ache do keep in touch themselves, but I'm sure days go by, that Ache doesn't even come to Joy mind at all (if he doesn't need someone to solve his math problems or write his poetry analyses for him.) For Joy, we are always here. Talk with him daily, make sure he has his favourite snacks in the fridge, cook his favourite dishes, make packed food for the go if he needs to, give him allowance, give him rides and either I or husband or often both attend to almost all of his home games. We know his friends and show interest to his school work. We talk a lot around our dinner and breakfast tables both about daily things but also current events and news topics. Joy certainly is not lacking attention, instead probably thinks at times, that little less parental attention would be a very nice thing, if anything ;) Oh GM, he does know that very well already. Ache has never had a car of his own but has always driven cars provided by all kinds of leasing contracts by the teams he has been playing for, or with borrowed cars (he too has been using mother in law's car in the past.) mother in law actually has two cars but doesn't drive at winter, so she has not minded borrowing them to her grandkids now and when, but I do understand Joy wanting his own car. And he doesn't have chance to work on top of school and his sport so coming by money for it on his own is not possible for him (especially because cars around here tend to cost something totally else than in US. Car taxes are sky high and we are remote market, so you can double the price of any car, new or used, in your market to get close to what we have to pay.) When the spring comes and mother in law will again start to drive her cars, we may indeed buy Joy a car or either of us will buy a new car for ourselves and let Joy drive the old one. And to be honest we would not have much against Joy asking us to get him a car, but trying to make it so, that we somehow owe him money for car, because we pay some medical expenses of Ache is simply outrageous to us. [/QUOTE]
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Entitlement and superiority in typical siblings of troubled kids
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